This Country S01E01 — Scarecrow

Every line from “Scarecrow” (484 quotes). Click one to open the meme editor on the exact frame, ready to caption and share.

This Country S01E01 meme — “which meant that she couldn't get her teeth done.”

00:02This programme contains strong language
00:15Over there, we saw Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen once,
00:18and once in the shop,
00:20and once up Burleigh Hill, riding his bike, didn't we?
00:22And in the Co-op. Yeah.
00:24Because I was walking in the Co-op and he was coming out and I said,
00:27"After you," and he said, "No, after you."
00:30He's so humble.
00:31So humble, and I asked him, I said to him,
00:33"When do we get to see you back on our screens,
00:35"because it's a crying shame I don't get to see you as often?"
00:39And he just shrugged.
00:40He just shrugged like that.
00:44Such a shame.
00:47So, this is my cousin, Kurtan.
00:49But not only is he my cousin,
00:51he's my best mate as well, because he's the only person I can share a
00:54box of Celebrations with.
00:56Tell them why.
00:58Because I love the Bounties, but I won't touch anything else.
01:01She cannot stand Bounties but she'll eat the rest of them.
01:04So, nothing goes to waste.
01:06So he'll literally just come round my house, won't you? Yeah.
01:08And just hoover up all the Bounties.
01:09That's what I do, yeah.
01:12I like the underdog.
01:15The thing is, I don't even like Bounties that much,
01:17I just feel sorry for them because they're always left.
01:19Yeah.
01:21Well, I've known Kerry and Kurtan, on and off, for 12 years now.
01:29I think they're great kids, really.
01:32Give it!
01:34Don't be a fucking dick.
01:36I do think they sometimes resort to
01:38a lot of effing and jeffing and
01:41that's something we've been working on, actively, a lot,
01:44especially over the last couple of years and I feel like
01:47they've made great strides forward.
01:50Last week,
01:51I don't think they used the F word once.
01:55We had the C word a couple of times but, I mean,
01:58that really is an improvement on what had gone before.
02:03Scarecrow Festival is the most important day of the year.
02:06That's the beautiful thing about living in the village.
02:09Everyone comes together on days like Scarecrow Festival and just forgets
02:12their utter hatred of each other.
02:16Everyone in the village makes their own scarecrow and they put them out
02:19anywhere around the village.
02:20Yeah, and basically, there's an independent adjudicator goes round
02:24and he judges them. No, does not. Yeah, he does.
02:26It's a public voting system now, cos they changed the rules.
02:28No, it's not. Yes, they did. They didn't.
02:30If you read the Gazette last week, you would know.
02:32I spoke to the vicar myself as well.
02:34Oh, I don't care, I find it sad.
02:38Oh, having a picture of your winning scarecrow on the front of
02:40the Gazette is sad, is it?
02:45Didn't think so.
02:47So anyway, it's a public voting system and you get
02:50designated pitches.
02:51So, my pitch is on the village green this year, which is one of the best
02:54pitches and then you have little forms, so you go around and then
02:59you can tick which one, which is your favourite and then you put it
03:02in the box at the end of the day and the winner gets a
03:05hot-air balloon ride for two.
03:07And I ain't taking you on it.
03:08I don't want to go on it, anyway.
03:10I'm taking my nan.
03:25He'll tell you that the Scarecrow Festival is all fun and games,
03:28but it ain't for me.
03:29For me, the Scarecrow Festival is just asking for trouble,
03:32cos everyone who's anyone's going to be there and there are people
03:35from my past that would love to see me slain.
03:37I've got enemies everywhere.
03:39I've got enemies in South Cerney, I've got enemies in North Cerney,
03:42I've got enemies in Cerney Wick.
03:43I've got enemies in Bourton-on-the-Water.
03:46There's a tea rooms there and under the counter
03:48they've got a panic button
03:49and if I take one step inside, they can press that.
03:52The police will be there in three minutes.
03:54Isn't that right?
03:57If I'm walking through the village,
03:59people in cars actually slam their foot down on the accelerator,
04:03because they want to get through the village as fast as they can
04:06without getting into a confrontation with me.
04:09Because if they stop off at traffic lights,
04:12I'll just knock on their window and I go, "What you looking at, mate?"
04:17What?
04:19What?
04:23What? Why?
04:27For what?
04:33I don't go to school any more.
04:35Where the hell is he getting these vouchers from?
04:37Cos they discontinued them, like, ten years ago.
04:43How is that my fault?
04:45I don't understand.
04:46I cannot win.
04:48This is just ridiculous.
04:50I don't live here, this is Kerry's house.
04:52I live with my nan, just round there.
04:54Oh, shit, it's Slugs, look.
04:56Oh, you're joking.
04:58Oh, he WhatsApped me the other day
04:59asking us to go laser quest with him and I...
05:01What did you say? Well, I clicked on it by accident, didn't I?
05:04So he knows I've seen it.
05:06Oh, sake!
05:07The thing is, he'll just trap you for ages, he'll never leave.
05:10I should feel sorry for him because he's got terminal cancer,
05:12but he's so utterly annoying.
05:14It's like, if you want to have a bucket list, that's fine,
05:17but don't just drag us into it. Do you know what I mean?
05:20It's all right, he's going the other way. He's going the other way.
05:23Thank Christ for that.
05:25So, it's about 15 quid a head.
05:27That includes two sessions of laser quest and a minibus there and back,
05:33but I am going to need the deposit now.
05:36Oh, I just...
05:39Hello?
05:40Oh, your mum's shouting.
05:42Just coming now.
05:43Yeah. But have a really...I hope you enjoy yourself. Cheers, mate.
05:46Cheers though, mate. Thanks for thinking of us.
05:48Yeah. See you later.
05:58So, today's the day of the Scarecrow Festival and I've got a bad feeling.
06:01Mark my words, something bad is going to happen to me today.
06:06Da!
06:08That's my dad, that is.
06:09Dad!
06:12You all right, Dad?
06:13All right?
06:14What have you been up to then?
06:15Just taking the kids out.
06:17Right.
06:18Is it all right if I come over yours later?
06:21Nah.
06:22I ain't seen you in ages, Dad.
06:24Yeah, yeah...but I've got to go, Kerr.
06:26All right. Come on, my kiddo. See you.
06:32That's my dad.
06:34That was my dad, that was.
06:36Did you see my dad, Kurtan? Yeah.
06:38He's going to the festival as well.
06:40What did he say?
06:41He said, erm,
06:43I can come over to his later, if I want.
06:45Did he?
06:47Yeah, but I think I might be busy tonight, so...
06:50I might not go.
06:55The Scarecrow Festival is just a bit of fun really.
06:58It's a tradition that's been going since I was a boy and it's great
07:01to see everyone in the village getting involved.
07:04Hey! This man is an absolute legend, ain't you, Vicar?
07:07And we're his favourite as well.
07:08Yeah, you absolutely love us, don't you Vicar?
07:10Yeah, he's smiling cos he knows it.
07:12This guy here taught me how to control my temper.
07:14Simmer down, you two.
07:15Oi, tell them about when we got para in the park and you had to
07:17come pick us up. Yeah, I had to get my stomach pumped as well, didn't I?
07:20That wasn't funny, that was very scary.
07:22He loves Midsomer Murders, don't you, Vicar?
07:25Yeah, he loves it. He gets so mad if he misses one.
07:28And if he doesn't record it on Sky planner, he goes mental, don't you?
07:34I love Midsomer Murders.
07:35He loves his golf as well.
07:36John Nettles is my favourite. Don't start him on golf.
07:39What a laugh.
07:40You're such a laugh.
07:48Your Majesty!
07:54That's where you get the scarecrow maps from.
07:57The plant stall, over there.
07:59Don't buy anything from there, cos they'll die in a week anyway.
08:02That is the sign of a very lazy scarecrow maker
08:05and I'll tell you why.
08:07Cos he can't be bothered to form the hands, that's a pet hate of mine.
08:10Technically, not a scarecrow, cos there's no hay on it.
08:13Not a drop of hay in sight.
08:15It's just a rag on a stick.
08:18I mean, I get it, but it's not making me feel nothing.
08:21Look at this.
08:23This is a monstrosity.
08:25I mean...I think...I know this is Len's as well.
08:29He's a good scarecrow maker, but he's embarrassed himself this year
08:32with that. I mean, I'm laughing, but for all the wrong reasons.
08:35All right, Len? All right?
08:37What do you reckon? Pretty good, yeah.
08:42Take that grin off your face.
08:44You're grinning. Don't grin.
08:45I'm not grinning, Len.
08:47I think it's great, mate, honestly.
08:49Good. I reckon I've got a chance this year.
08:51OK.
08:52You believe whatever you want to believe, that's fine.
08:55Well, I do believe, all right?
08:56Yeah. All right, whatever.
08:59Len, I'm not going to get into a fight with you today, all right?
09:01All right.
09:02I'll tell you why I'm going to win this year.
09:04Cos I've got the best scarecrow and I've got the best pitch in the
09:06village, because my pitch is in the centre of the festival.
09:09Nathan Daniels had that pitch last year and he won and, honestly,
09:13his scarecrow was the biggest pile of shit I've ever seen.
09:16It was meant to be Beetlejuice, yeah?
09:18But, fuck me, did it look like Kerry.
09:22Exterminate!
09:24Excuse me, sorry.
09:28What's going on?
09:29Excuse me, this is my pitch.
09:30Exterminate! Exterminate!
09:36Yeah, very funny.
09:37Don't make me move it myself please, mate. Exterminate!
09:39Mate,
09:41can you just be serious?
09:42This is my pitch, yeah.
09:43You don't understand, Vicar.
09:45He's on my pitch, yeah.
09:46The pitch I booked three months ago with Mrs Wicks.
09:49Well, there must be some kind of mix-up,
09:50because according to this sheet,
09:52your pitch is on Trowley Bottom Farm.
09:54That's bullshit! Less of the effing and jeffing, please.
09:56Sorry for swearing, but that is fucking bullshit.
09:58Why would I choose Trowley Bottom Farm when a) no punters could be
10:01bothered to walk all the way down there and b) it stinks of pig shit
10:05cos it's on a fucking pig farm.
10:06I'm sorry for swearing, but this is fucked up.
10:08Kurtan, this is your last warning on the swearing.
10:10I'm really sorry, but it's too late to change anything now.
10:13Your pitch is on Trowley Bottom Farm.
10:15No, absolutely not.
10:17No way. There's no chance I am going to Trowley Bottom Farm.
10:20That's the end of it. I ain't talking about it no more, Vicar.
10:28How am I going to get any votes being down here?
10:32It's baffling. I'm baffled by the entire situation, if I'm honest.
10:37Badly organised by the vicar.
10:41Major fuck-up.
10:43Kurtan can get very competitive.
10:46Like, we had to do this sponsored swim at school and he was just
10:49obsessed with raising the most money for it,
10:51so he actually stole our nan's bank card and withdrew 500 quid,
10:55which meant that she couldn't get her teeth done.
11:02Well?
11:03What? Did you tell people to come down?
11:06Yeah. Yeah?
11:08The thing is though, it's buzzing up there.
11:11It really is buzzing. All right, yeah.
11:12It's that Dalek though. Yeah. It is brilliant.
11:15It's just so... Yeah, he's brilliant.
11:17It's so funny, right. I had a picture taken with him. Yeah.
11:20If you take that and just scroll to the left. Great, yeah.
11:24Brilliant. Oh, that's a great one. Isn't it?
11:26That's another good one. I love it.
11:28I love them all. That one especially.
11:30Brilliant!
11:36What the actual fuck?
11:39What the actual fuck?
11:44You have fucking lost your head, mate.
11:47You have lost your fucking head.
11:49I swear to God, if my phone is smashed, you are paying for that.
11:54Dickhead!
11:56To be honest, when Kurtan gets like this he's a fucking psycho.
12:05Levi? Who's is that?
12:07June's. Where is she?
12:08Getting a cup of tea.
12:15It doesn't matter what anyone tells you,
12:17everyone's here for one reason and that's to win.
12:20Sometimes you just got to throw someone else under the bus to save
12:22yourself, especially if they're old and stupid, like June.
12:27Roll up! Right, come on.
12:29Guys, have you seen this?
12:31Have you got your voting slip there?
12:32A voting slip? Voting slip. You can get them from the stall for £1.
12:36Go back and get one from there and then come straight back here,
12:38I'll tell you what to do, yeah? Quick!
12:40Hello! Over here!
12:43Vote for me!
12:45Have you got your voting slips?
12:46Yes, right. OK, so what you want to do, put the cross as Kurtan,
12:51that's my one there. Yeah.
12:53Vote that one for the winner.
12:54Yeah, that's it, hide behind the little Dalek.
12:58You are a massive bell end.
13:00Ow, don't fucking... Yeah?
13:07When I get hold of you, I swear to God I will fucking deck you.
13:10SHE SIGHS
13:10Fuck's sake, Kurtan.
13:12Every year he's like this.
13:19Yes, I swore at David in the Dalek but listen,
13:22it was only cos I saw him stealing money out of a charity bucket
13:28that was going around. So I'm actually proud I swore at him.
13:33That's a very serious allegation you're making.
13:35Yeah, I know. If you're not telling the truth,
13:37you could be in serious trouble.
13:39Yeah. I know.
13:42But if you are telling me the truth,
13:44we need to go to the police station immediately.
13:45Do you understand?
13:47Yeah.
13:50Are you telling me the truth?
13:54No.
13:57Excuse me, Vicar.
13:58Everything OK, June? I went to get a cup of tea and I left my scarecrow
14:03and when I got back it just...
14:06I don't know where it's gone.
14:08Well, it can't have gone far, I'm sure.
14:10Shall we have a look for it? It was over there. It's just gone.
14:13Maybe it got moved, someone got confused about the pitch.
14:15Well, who would have moved it, Vicar? We'll have a look.
14:18June stitched me up right royally but that just spurs
14:21me on, mate, cos if they want to play dirty, that's fine by me.
14:26I've got a few tricks up my sleeve, I'm telling you now.
14:34PHONE RINGS
14:34Can you hear that?
14:40Ah!
14:42Hello? Mum!
14:45Why are you crying?
14:47They've done what?
14:50Sick bastard!
14:51It's all right, Mum, calm down, yeah?
14:53I'm on my way now, OK?
14:55All right. Bye.
14:59Someone's just been throwing plums at my house.
15:03I'm going to kill them.
15:10I can't believe it. I can't believe it.
15:14SHE GASPS
15:14All over this.
15:17Plumming on here, plumming on that.
15:20Plum on the sofa, look!
15:23There's nothing left that hasn't been plummed.
15:26Oh, my gosh.
15:28I knew this would happen.
15:30Can you see what it's like to be me now?
15:33I've had a target on my back since the day I was born.
15:37Right, that's your bag there
15:38and the field's just down there on the right, OK?
15:40Thank you very much. Thank you very much, enjoy your free potatoes.
15:44All right, Len? Is this right?
15:46Someone said something about free potatoes.
15:48Yeah, you got your voting slip there?
15:51What? Voting slip. Oh.
15:53Yes, yes, that one there.
15:55Right, that's my name there.
15:57All you've got to do, yeah, pop that in the box at the end of the day.
16:01Here's your bag and you can help yourself to as many free potatoes.
16:04Yeah. Just down there on the right, big field in front of you, right?
16:08All right.
16:09Cheers, Len. But don't forget to put the slip in the box, yeah?
16:12Yeah, yeah, yeah.
16:15I can trust you, Len, yeah?
16:16Yes.
16:18You all right, sir, happy?
16:20Yeah. Nice little jacket potatoes for tonight for the wife.
16:23Thank you very much, your vote is much appreciated.
16:28So, Mr Jenkins says you were giving away bags and bags of potatoes.
16:32No. That's a total exaggeration.
16:35It was like five potatoes, not even that.
16:38And he also said you sold one of his pigs for £200.
16:43No.
16:45Mr Phillips, right, gave me 200 quid for no reason.
16:47Right. Yeah? And the pig just followed him out the gate.
16:52And into his Land Rover? Yes.
17:02Plumming someone's house is one of the most disrespectful things
17:05you can do.
17:06I'm going to get the lads together and sort this out cos I've got my
17:09reputation to think about.
17:11I'm so livid. I'm honestly absolutely raging.
17:15I'm going to find out who done that and I'm going to kill them.
17:17End of. No-one messes with Kerry.
17:19You know what I'm like, Big Mac, don't you? Yeah.
17:21Kerry has a lot of mates that are in year seven and below because
17:28she likes to think that she can control them and that they do what
17:32she asks, which is a bit sad actually
17:36and a bit weird, I think.
17:38I think a lot of their parents are a bit worried about it.
17:40Tell them what you found out, Levi.
17:42I found out who... Yeah, basically Levi found out who plummed my house.
17:45Tell them who it was, Levi. It was...
17:47Yeah, it was some nasty thugs from Crillington who just moved into
17:50the area and they found out about my reputation
17:52and they want to challenge me.
17:54So I'm telling you now, Levi,
17:55tell them to meet me in the park at 3:00 and they can bring weapons if
17:59they want, if they're too scared to fight fist to fist.
18:02You lot know my repetition, don't you?
18:05ALL: Yeah.
18:06You're... These lot are scared of me, aren't you?
18:08Yeah.
18:18I want you to apologise to Mr Jenkins now.
18:23Sorry, Jenkins!
18:25You're this close to not being in the competition at all.
18:27Yeah, and you're this close to me dropping you right now, son.
18:30Right, that's it, you're disqualified. Him or me?
18:32Don't be smart with me, Kurtan. Just fuck off, Vicar.
18:34Right, you're disqualified, that's the end of it. Come on, George.
18:38Well done, Jenkins. Got what you wanted, did you?
18:46I'm fine. Why would I not be fine?
18:48It's just a dumb scarecrow festival.
18:50Who cares? I just thought I'd spend every day for three months crafting
18:54it. Even spent all my savings on getting orchard grass so I wouldn't
18:58get hay mites, not that anyone cares.
19:00I don't care.
19:02I never even stood a chance cos the whole village was just waiting
19:05to fuck me over.
19:07You know what? Let's see who makes front page of the Gazette now,
19:10shall we?
19:13Guys, simmer down.
19:15Simmer down. 'In this village,
19:17'people respect me because I'm as hard as fuck.'
19:19If five nasty thugs from Crillington want to rumble, I say bring it on.
19:23Frampton!
19:24Stop it now. Just cos your parents are divorcing,
19:26don't take it out on everyone else.
19:31Sorry, Vicar, is something the matter?
19:33Er...there's been a bit of an incident and I couldn't...
19:36Sorry, excuse me. June, have you seen Kurtan anywhere?
19:40Ooh, not since lunchtime.
19:41Is everything all right?
19:42It's just, I spoke to Mrs Wicks
19:44and he had booked that pitch that David had his Dalek on,
19:47she jotted it on the back of a list.
19:49Oh, dear.
19:50I might just go and check and see if he's down on the farm.
19:53If you see him, will you send him my way? Mmm.
19:59It's quarter past three now and they still ain't showed.
20:01That's telling, innit? They're obviously bricking it.
20:04I'm actually gutted for these kiddies cos they was expecting
20:07a scrap today, weren't you?
20:09That little kiddy over there, that little fella, you like a scrap,
20:13don't you, mate?
20:15And they're going to miss out on that cos someone's too scared
20:17to show up but what can I do?
20:21Kerry!
20:23Fuck's sake, Slugs, I said I'm not going laser quest with you.
20:26What you doing here?
20:27I know who plummed your house.
20:28Yeah, so do I, it was some nasty thugs from Crillington apparently.
20:32No, it was Levi.
20:36No, it wasn't.
20:37Yeah, it was. Lucas Tanner filmed it, put it on Facebook.
20:43Levi, why would you plum my house, you little maggot?
20:46That's bang out of order.
20:47Cos you said it'd make you look dangerous in front of the TV people.
20:56Do you know how small your brain is?
20:59That is the last time I ask you to do anything for me and that face
21:02paint of a tiger, everybody's saying been behind your back how stupid it
21:06looks as well.
21:07Everyone.
21:17Thanks, everyone, for a brilliant day.
21:20It's been a really strong year this year and we've managed to raise
21:26£342 for the William Weston Foundation, so really, well done.
21:34Now, before I announce the winners,
21:36I'd just like to say I've created another category this year for best
21:41effort. I know how hard this person has worked and it's been a really
21:46testing day for him but despite that,
21:49his scarecrow was really excellent.
21:52So I'd like to award Kurtan for best effort.
21:57Well done, Kurtan.
21:59Where is he? Has anyone seen Kurtan?
22:01Is he here?
22:05No sign of Kurtan?
22:11Water!
22:13Water!
22:15CROWD SQUEALS
22:20For goodness' sake, June, get some more water, now!
22:29Has anyone called the fire brigade?
22:31Good, thank you.
22:33Len, do something.
22:35Let someone else do it.
22:55They're still going with them plums, Kerr.
22:57Oh, they'll get bored in a minute. Look at this.
22:59Front-page, that's me.
23:02What did the police say?
23:03Basically got a caution and I've got to attend a fire-safety course at
23:07the community college next week.
23:09And I'm banned from making, handling and competing with any scarecrows.
23:13Oh, shit, you all right, mate?
23:15I don't give a fuck, Kerr.
23:16Cos there's a vegetable show at the village hall next week
23:18and I've got a runner bean that's the size of a scarf laid out
23:21on the floor. Yeah? And a lettuce that's literally
23:23going to fuck this competition up the ass, hard and dry.
23:25Pff!