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This Country S01E02 — Mandy

Every line from “Mandy” (445 quotes). Click one to open the meme editor on the exact frame, ready to caption and share.

• 00:02This programme contains strong language.
• 00:20All right? You ain't going to believe this.
• 00:22What? Mr Perkins.
• 00:24What about him?
• 00:26He's dead.
• 00:27He's dead?
• 00:30Are you joking?
• 00:32No.
• 00:35Way!
• 00:37BOTH: Way!
• 00:39Way!
• 00:40# He's dead, he's dead, he's dead, he's dead!
• 00:44# He's dead! He is dead!
• 00:48# He's dead, he's dead, he's dead, he's dead!
• 00:51# He's dead! He is dead! #
• 00:59Basically, Mr Perkins was our old woodwork teacher
• 01:02and he was a massive prick.
• 01:04Yeah. He used to be just plain nasty, wasn't he, Kurts?
• 01:07Yeah. He always used to say, "Oh, Kerry and Kurtan,
• 01:09"you'll do..." "Nothing with your lives."
• 01:12Which is a bit rich, to be honest, coming from him, who's now dead.
• 01:15Yeah.
• 01:16# He's dead, he's dead, he's dead, he's dead! #
• 01:18I think it's disgusting, what yous is doing, celebrating a man's death.
• 01:22Shut up, Len, you're boring.
• 01:24Yeah, well, I think it's disgusting you not celebrating the man's death.
• 01:27Charming. Hogwarts is that way, Dumbledore.
• 01:31Idiot man.
• 01:33He used to call us...
• 01:36Ren and Stimpy, didn't he?
• 01:37Yeah. Tweedledum and Tweedledee.
• 01:39Pinky and Perky.
• 01:41Asterix and Obelix.
• 01:42Noel Edmonds and Mr Blobby.
• 01:44The Neville brothers.
• 01:45He used to say I looked like the puppet off the Dolmio advert.
• 01:50It's just, I...I knew this day would come, but I just,
• 01:53I actually can't believe it's here, do you know what I mean?
• 01:56All right, Mand? No, I'm not all right,
• 01:58some little old blind man with a guide dog walked into a bin
• 02:01outside my house.
• 02:02Shit, is he all right?
• 02:03He won't be when I've got my hands on him.
• 02:05Poor Tyson was so scared, he's run up a tree and ate a bird's nest.
• 02:08So I'm going to find him and break his legs for him.
• 02:11See how he likes it.
• 02:12You see him, you send him my way, yeah?
• 02:15All right, you fucking psychopath.
• 02:16Who's a psychopath?
• 02:19Er...
• 02:20The blind man.
• 02:24Yeah, I know. Poor little baby birds
• 02:26got their guts sucked out their arseholes cos of him.
• 02:28Evil bastard.
• 02:31Fucking weirdo.
• 02:32Who's a weirdo?
• 02:36Er...Kurtan.
• 02:42Yeah, I know.
• 02:44Come on, Tyson, you fucking prick.
• 02:47How the fuck did she hear all that?
• 02:48Erm...
• 02:51She's like a fucking bat.
• 02:53People are scared of Mandy, but I ain't.
• 02:56Because we're both on the same level of hardness.
• 02:58It's, like, Kane isn't scared of The Undertaker
• 03:01because they're both Brothers of Destruction.
• 03:04There's a kid crying over there.
• 03:06Do you want me to...? I can tell him to shut the fuck up if you want?
• 03:09She belongs in a nuthouse, mate.
• 03:10She is fucking nuts.
• 03:13A very bad egg.
• 03:16I like Kerry. Her mum's...
• 03:17Mum's a good fighter, her mum, down the pub and that.
• 03:21If you was in trouble, you can always rely on her mum.
• 03:23Kerry's all right. Kurtan's a...
• 03:25He's a fucking moron.
• 03:40SHE GASPS
• 03:41Our old prom photo, yeah?
• 03:44Ten minutes after that was taken,
• 03:45Kurtan vommed all the way down his ivory tie.
• 03:48Yeah, only cos I kept spiking my own drinks. Yeah.
• 03:51Oh, Kerr, our old detention cards from Mr Perkins.
• 03:55"Kerry and Kurtan, lunchtime detention
• 03:57"for making crass song in woodwork class."
• 04:00Wait...I'll get it.
• 04:00KEYBOARD PLAYS TUNE
• 04:05Five, six, seven.
• 04:08# Mr Perkins is a prick
• 04:11# Mr Perkins is a prick
• 04:13# Mr Perkins is a prick
• 04:15# Mr Perkins is a prick
• 04:17# Mr Perkins is a prick
• 04:19# Mr Perkins is a prick
• 04:21# Mr Perkins is a prick
• 04:23# All day long. #
• 04:26How is that crass? How is that crass?
• 04:29Disruption, yeah, defiance, yeah, abusive language, fucking yeah.
• 04:37Listen to this.
• 04:39"Kerry and Kurtan, lunchtime detention
• 04:41"for making Robert Robinson
• 04:42"ask the teacher what rimming is."
• 04:44Who's Rob Robinson?
• 04:46You don't remember Robert Robinson?
• 04:48No.
• 04:49He was in our class in Year 6
• 04:51for, like, two terms and he just vanished.
• 04:53No-one ever heard of him again.
• 04:57He had... Instead of a rucksack, yeah,
• 04:59he had a suitcase on wheels.
• 05:01And you started his nickname, which was Terminal Three.
• 05:04You started that. That was brilliant.
• 05:07You don't remember that?
• 05:08Robert Robinson.
• 05:10You don't remember?
• 05:18Year 6 camping trip, he brought in an old army camp bed
• 05:21and it had blood on it.
• 05:23No.
• 05:25We used to bog-wash him so much,
• 05:26the bleach in the toilet actually turned his hair white.
• 05:29No. Oh, my God!
• 05:31He had about three unruly deaf brothers, yeah?
• 05:34And he used to get picked up after school in a dirty old Land Rover
• 05:36full of flailing arms. No.
• 05:38You don't remember that?
• 05:39No. He used to write everything out in that calculator font
• 05:42cos he thought it was really cool.
• 05:45No. We made him eat a fucking bark sandwich, for fuck's sake.
• 05:49No. You don't remember that?
• 05:51No. Nothing? Nothing.
• 05:53Fuck.
• 05:57Right, I'm going to get Slugs over, he was in our class, he'll remember.
• 06:00Please don't get Slugs over. Yes, I am! He'll never leave.
• 06:03Me and Kurtan have known Slugs since school
• 06:05and I've never met anyone who outstays their welcome
• 06:07more than him.
• 06:08Like, you'll say, "Sorry, Slugs,
• 06:09"I can't stop and chat I've got to go and have my dinner."
• 06:12And he'll go, "What we having?"
• 06:14Robert Robinson, yeah?
• 06:15He had a fat woman's arse and tiny, short little legs like a troll.
• 06:18Yeah, you sure you're not talking about Slugs?
• 06:20Positive. He genuinely looked like a Moomin.
• 06:22Yeah, so does Slugs.
• 06:23I know, but it ain't Slugs.
• 06:25His school jumper, yeah,
• 06:26was the most faded out of everyone's.
• 06:28He used to chew his sleeves into threads.
• 06:31No. He brought in a bit of meteorite once, yeah, for show and tell,
• 06:35and Darren Lacy called him Apollo 13.
• 06:37No. Oh, my God.
• 06:39He was obsessed with salamanders, yeah?
• 06:42And we saw him at the school fete
• 06:43and he was carrying around a little bank bag full of coppers
• 06:46and his face was painted like a salamander
• 06:48and he was hissing at dogs.
• 06:52How do you not remember Robert fucking Robinson?
• 06:55Oh, my God, there's this website
• 06:56that allows you to watch a loaf of bread slowly going stale.
• 07:00Fucking hell, man!
• 07:03Stop it.
• 07:05What's it called? Loaf of bread cam.
• 07:09Seriously?
• 07:16He's not on Facebook.
• 07:18How can he not be on Facebook?
• 07:20Everyone's on Facebook.
• 07:21That doesn't make any sense.
• 07:23Maybe he changed his name cos he got married.
• 07:26What? Maybe he's not on Facebook because he doesn't exist.
• 07:30What about that tea towel?
• 07:35Where is it?
• 07:38HE GASPS
• 07:41This is it. Got it.
• 07:42I've got it. This is it.
• 07:45There.
• 07:47That's him. Let me see. He's here.
• 07:48Rob Robinson. I got it.
• 07:51You see? Right there.
• 07:53Rob Robinson.
• 07:55And that was him. And I was...
• 07:57I knew it, didn't I?
• 07:59And that looks like him, as well.
• 08:00That looks exactly like him.
• 08:09There's a massive pond in the back of there
• 08:11and two summers ago, it got really bad algae.
• 08:1432 grand's worth of Koi carp just dead in a day.
• 08:17And the algae was thick, like a pint of cheese.
• 08:21And down there is karate club.
• 08:23On my first day of karate club, karate master goes to me, "Kerry,
• 08:26"I don't know why you're here because I can't teach you anything."
• 08:28"If anything, you should be teaching me."
• 08:30And just gave me his black belt.
• 08:35All right, Mand?
• 08:36No, I'm not all right. You know that little old blind man?
• 08:39Yeah. Yeah, when I was punching him in his face,
• 08:41the lens from his glasses broke and cut my knuckle.
• 08:44Oh, right.
• 08:46Do you want a tattoo, by the way?
• 08:48Why's that? Oh, I'm a qualified tattoo artist now,
• 08:50I've got my certificate this morning.
• 08:52Nice one.
• 08:54Do you want one, then? Well, yeah, I've always wanted one
• 08:57but I've just got no money.
• 08:58I've been saving up. No, no, I'd do it for free.
• 09:01Are you serious?
• 09:02Yeah, helps me build up my portfolio and that. Oh!
• 09:04Why don't you come round tomorrow afternoon, then?
• 09:07That'd be amazing.
• 09:08All right. Aw, nice one, Mand, cheers.
• 09:10I'll see you later.
• 09:12Tyson, fuck off!
• 09:14So, there's a house over there
• 09:16that we used to cherry knock at all the time.
• 09:19But since Graham's wife died, we don't do it any more
• 09:21cos we don't take the piss.
• 09:27I'm going to do whatever it takes to find out what happened
• 09:30to Robert Robinson.
• 09:32My theory is...is that he died but they just kept it from us
• 09:36cos we was just little, innocent children.
• 09:39This is where Robert Robinson lived.
• 09:45I can see him, I can just see him now,
• 09:47just playing in the garden.
• 09:51Summer evening, having so much fun and laughter.
• 09:56Cos he loved life.
• 09:59And then his mum comes out, "Robert, dinner's ready."
• 10:02And he's like, "Mum, I don't want to eat,
• 10:05"I'm having too much fun playing."
• 10:07She goes, "You have to eat something, Robert."
• 10:09And he goes, "No, seriously, I'm fine."
• 10:11She goes, "Right, that's it."
• 10:14So she grabs him by the neck, like this, pulls him in,
• 10:18and he's crying,
• 10:20and he's putting his heels in but she's kicking him.
• 10:24Thumping him on the back.
• 10:26And so he gets sent up to his bedroom without any tea.
• 10:30Kurtan? Cos he did have abusive parents.
• 10:32What? There's a pair of old Spider-Man pants here
• 10:34with some skidders in them.
• 10:37Yeah. Those will be his.
• 10:42It's just like one day he was here, and then the next, he was gone.
• 10:48I can se... I can feel, I can feel, Kerr, I can feel him here.
• 10:52I'm getting this weird feeling, I swear to God.
• 11:02You all right, Kurts?
• 11:04Can you just give me a minute?
• 11:07He's loving this.
• 11:09He gets very much too obsessive with things -
• 11:12like, last week he was obsessed with finding out what happened
• 11:15to the cast of The Queen's Nose.
• 11:17It's, like, an old kids' programme that was on TV.
• 11:22And a lot of them are still acting, actually.
• 11:25And then he got obsessed with the...the Fuse bar.
• 11:29He had to write a letter to Cadbury's
• 11:31asking what happened to the Fuse bar.
• 11:33And they wrote back saying, "The sales weren't great
• 11:36"but thank you so much for taking the time to write in."
• 11:49Thanks again so much for this, Mand, honestly, I can't believe it.
• 11:53So, do you know what you want, then?
• 11:54SHE SIGHS I just can't decide at the moment.
• 11:57Why don't you have a look through one of these books, then?
• 12:00Choose something from there. Cheers, Mand.
• 12:05So, what's that one?
• 12:07That's a pig.
• 12:08All right.
• 12:10Sorry, who's that?
• 12:11That's Friends.
• 12:13And that one? Harry Styles.
• 12:15Tasmanian.
• 12:17That's Justin Bieber.
• 12:19Fred Flintstone. Spock.
• 12:21Stig of the Dump.
• 12:23All right. Who did these?
• 12:25Me. Oh, right.
• 12:29They're really good.
• 12:31I know.
• 12:35Who's that one?
• 12:37That's Grant from EastEnders
• 12:38but also it could be that bloke off MasterChef.
• 12:42Oh, right. If you put glasses on it.
• 12:46Do you know what? I think I'm going to have to just
• 12:50go home and just have a think about it.
• 12:52Why?
• 12:53Cos...well, they're just so good, I can't choose which one.
• 12:59So, you're wasting my time?
• 13:01Cos I've booked the whole afternoon off for this.
• 13:04And I'm giving you one for free.
• 13:06No, I... You're taking the piss, aren't you?
• 13:07I do really want one, it's just, I...
• 13:10I do, yeah, I do really want one, yeah. What?
• 13:12I just don't know which one to have yet, that's the only thing.
• 13:17Do you do, like, really small ones?
• 13:20Like I literally just want, like, a K.
• 13:22I don't do small ones, I only do massive ones.
• 13:25Right.
• 13:26You wanted one? Nah.
• 13:40Do you know what? I am going to go home and think about it, Mand.
• 13:44Mand...
• 13:45Mandy?
• 13:47Mandy?
• 13:50Brilliant, she's dead.
• 13:52MANDY SNORES
• 13:54No, she's sleeping.
• 13:56Oh, what the fuck... What, with her eyes open?
• 13:59Yeah, my nan does it, it's like a weird condition or something.
• 14:03Look, watch this. Mandy?
• 14:06Your tattoos are shit.
• 14:09Oi.
• 14:12That's the whole day away.
• 14:14She's sleep talking.
• 14:17Oh.
• 14:18(Fuck this, I'm getting out of here.)
• 14:27(Go, let's get out.)
• 14:41Oh, my God.
• 14:43She's going to be so livid that we just, like, legged it.
• 14:46Well, yeah, but... Oh...
• 14:48You'd rather get a punch in the face, yeah,
• 14:49than a giant tattoo for the rest of your life, so, just... Oh, my God.
• 14:54Oh, for fuck's sake.
• 14:54DISTANT SHOUTING
• 14:57Oh, well, don't stop, let's keep walking.
• 14:59All right. Pretend we haven't seen him.
• 15:02Kerr, wait!
• 15:04What is it?
• 15:07God!
• 15:09Look at him, he's waddling like he's shat himself.
• 15:11What is it, mate?
• 15:19Well, what is it?
• 15:23Kerr, come on, let's just go.
• 15:27What? What?
• 15:29Rob Robinson? Well, what about him?
• 15:32What? What is it?
• 15:35No, what about him? What is it? Rob Robinson?
• 15:38What is it?
• 15:40He's alive? How do you know?
• 15:45Yeah?
• 15:46Oh, yeah!
• 15:48Seriously?
• 15:50Seriously?
• 15:52Kerr, this is...this is... This is serious now.
• 15:55That is amazing.
• 15:57Thanks for that, mate.
• 15:59Thank the Lord for Slugs.
• 16:02That's brilliant, that.
• 16:04Come on. I can't believe it, that is...
• 16:07That's great news. The plot thickens, Kerr.
• 16:16Mum, what's for tea?
• 16:20What?
• 16:27Can I have a word, Kerr?
• 16:30(She's going to fucking kill us.)
• 16:31(Not me, I'm going home.)
• 16:33(You're coming in with me.)
• 16:36(She'll fucking....)
• 16:38(Don't you fucking dare.)
• 16:49All right, Mand?
• 16:51Look, I'm sorry about earlier.
• 16:53I don't want you to think I sleep on the job or nothing.
• 16:55I'm a professional. No, honestly, you're fine,
• 16:58I reckon what we should do
• 16:59is just forget about the whole thing, to be honest.
• 17:02No, I brought all my tattooing stuff round now.
• 17:08Yeah, but you're really tired, though, aren't you?
• 17:11No.
• 17:13Erm...
• 17:15But I don't really know...what I want to have done yet,
• 17:20that's the thing.
• 17:21That's all right, I'll make it up as I go along.
• 17:24Sit down.
• 17:26Yeah, I could have said "no" to Mandy, but...
• 17:29I want to support a local business, don't I?
• 17:31Because that's who I am.
• 17:35And when a tattoo removal company starts up round here,
• 17:38I'll be supporting that, as well.
• 17:41Take your top off. Yeah.
• 17:43TATTOO GUN BUZZES
• 17:51So, we're just outside the village.
• 17:53It's been years since I've come up here.
• 17:55Like, it's a long walk from my house,
• 17:57but I think it's all going to be worth it
• 17:59because I'm seeing Robert Robinson.
• 18:03Slugs found out that he works in this garage
• 18:05just outside the village.
• 18:06I don't know what's going to happen. Like, anything could happen.
• 18:09He might not want to see me.
• 18:10He might just punch me in the face, and if he does,
• 18:12I'm just going to stand there and take it
• 18:14cos that is the least he deserves.
• 18:17He might not even be the same lad I once knew, like...
• 18:21He might not even be into salamanders any more.
• 18:25But one thing I do know is that I lost him once
• 18:27and I ain't ever going to lose him again.
• 18:33I think that's him.
• 18:34I am pretty sure, yeah, that is Robert fucking Robinson.
• 18:40Right there.
• 18:58Robert? Yeah?
• 19:03You are...you are exactly how I remembered, it's so weird.
• 19:07All right.
• 19:08It's me, Kurtan.
• 19:10OK.
• 19:15Like, no-one else remembers who you were, right?
• 19:17But I never forgot who you were, Robert.
• 19:21Sorry...sorry, who are you?
• 19:23Kurtan.
• 19:25You were in my class, yeah, in Year 6 for, like, two terms,
• 19:27I bullied you relentlessly.
• 19:29Right. You don't remember...?
• 19:33What happened to you?
• 19:35Well, I moved schools.
• 19:37Right. And now I work here.
• 19:42Why aren't you on Facebook?
• 19:44I am on Facebook.
• 19:47I changed my name to Salamander.
• 19:51Of course.
• 19:53I should... That is so you, as well.
• 19:58What time do you finish here?
• 20:00Ten minutes. Why?
• 20:06I don't know.
• 20:12What sort of broom is that?
• 20:14I don't know.
• 20:27All right, well, look after yourself, yeah?
• 20:44Absolute waste of time.
• 20:47So fucking boring. Jesus.
• 20:49Nothing about him.
• 20:53How are we going to get home from here, as well?
• 20:57I've got to walk through this fucking shit.
• 21:00Some things are just best left in the past, where they belong.
• 21:03You've just got to live in the moment
• 21:05and appreciate what's around you.
• 21:06Because while you're pining for Noel Edmond's House Party,
• 21:09you're missing out on Alan Carr's Chatty Man.
• 21:11It's just shits and roundabouts.
• 21:27Let's see it, then.
• 21:28No. Come on, please.
• 21:30No, I ain't showing you. Please, Kerr, come on.
• 21:32Oh. Yeah, fine, but don't touch it.
• 21:34I won't touch it. Cos it's still really painful.
• 21:38SHE WINCES
• 21:42That looks like a dog sniffing a bumhole.
• 21:44Piss off! It's a wolf howling at a moon, thanks.
• 21:48Oh... Dick. ..this'll cheer you up, yeah?
• 21:50I spoke to Mr Perkins' grieving wife earlier...
• 21:53Oh, yeah. And he's definitely still dead.
• 21:55SHE GASPS
• 21:55I know.
• 21:58SHE BLOWS WHISTLE
• 22:01He's dead!
• 22:04He's dead!
• 22:06The bastard's dead.