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This Country S01E03 — Oven Space

Every line from “Oven Space” (390 quotes). Click one to open the meme editor on the exact frame, ready to caption and share.

• 00:02This programme contains strong language
• 00:11Bumworth! Bumworth!
• 00:14They're filming us, look. Oi!
• 00:16Yeah, we're on TV, look.
• 00:18BBC, yeah.
• 00:21He's a fucking twat, don't film him. He's a fucking bell end.
• 00:33BLOWING NOSE
• 00:36I'm so ill.
• 00:38I can't even smell. I forgot what it's like to smell.
• 00:41You just take these sort of things
• 00:41for granted, don't you?
• 00:41KNOCK ON DOOR
• 00:44What's the point in knocking if you're just going to walk in anyway?
• 00:48Fucking hell. Sorry, mate.
• 00:50I'm so ill.
• 00:51I'm so ill. You look like shit.
• 00:53Is Uncle Nugget here yet?
• 00:54No, he's not here.
• 00:56Are these lot filming him, are they? Yeah. Cos I got this.
• 00:59Yeah, let's see it then.
• 01:02Took me ages. I'll hold it. No, no...
• 01:03Hold it together. I'll hold it together, then.
• 01:06Justice. Justice.
• 01:10On March the 13th, 2009,
• 01:12our Uncle Nugget was wrongly incinerated for having a laugh.
• 01:15Incarcerated. And today he's being released and he's coming home so
• 01:20we're throwing a justice party for him.
• 01:23Well, the reason Uncle Nugget ended up in prison was because he was just
• 01:30having a laugh, right? He was at Swindon bus station and one of the
• 01:33bus drivers quickly got off the bus to go and get some change and Uncle
• 01:38Nugget seen this as an opportunity to have a laugh.
• 01:41So he quickly ran on the bus, there were still some passengers on it,
• 01:45turned on the ignition and just drove the bus off and went round
• 01:49and round the roundabout, for about four hours.
• 01:52It was a miscarriage of justice though, cos what people forget is
• 01:5612 out of them 20 hostages actually found it funny. Yeah.
• 01:59I'd never, honestly never seen that many people crying in court.
• 02:03Have you? Yeah. Tears of laughter, though. Yeah.
• 02:06Kerry does look up to her Uncle Steve as a role model.
• 02:12But...
• 02:13I don't think Steve always
• 02:16thinks very deeply about the example he might be setting her.
• 02:21So we started the "He Was Only Having A Laugh" campaign because
• 02:25we's the only one in the family that has sort of stuck by him,
• 02:28haven't we? Yeah.
• 02:29Cos our Auntie Pat HATES him.
• 02:31She says she can't touch him with a bargepole, didn't she? Yeah.
• 02:36No!
• 02:38I said no.
• 02:43I put it in the plant pot outside.
• 02:54Oh, we got rid of that ages ago.
• 02:59Oh, fuck knows where that is!
• 03:01Oh, she'll just have to use this, then, That'll do, won't it?
• 03:03That'll do.
• 03:05Mum, I can't...
• 03:07I don't know where the hammer is but I've found something else.
• 03:10I can't wait to take Nugget down the Keepers for his first pint of
• 03:13freedom. Last time me and him went down Keepers, yeah?
• 03:17We got so smashed,
• 03:19and when the pub closed he frogmarched me to the cashpoint,
• 03:22made me get 200 quid out.
• 03:25Which is a bit annoying but when Nugget wants something you can't
• 03:28really sort of...
• 03:31You've got to let him, cos he gets a bit cross.
• 03:33And...
• 03:34yeah, he spent it all on acid and knives, I think.
• 03:37And a roasting joint, which he ended up stabbing with the knives.
• 03:42But it was a laugh. I mean...
• 03:43Yeah, it's annoying, but...
• 03:45He's just got that charm, you know?
• 03:47You can't say no to him.
• 03:50God, we were... That was a mad night.
• 03:54Same again tonight, I think.
• 03:55I'll probably leave my bank card here though.
• 03:58So, me and Kurtan are both cousins, right? And...
• 04:02our Auntie Linda got married to Nugget
• 04:05so he's our uncle by marriage.
• 04:08And they had a really good marriage until one day they went to Ikea
• 04:12and he brought back some, like, flat-pack furniture
• 04:15and he was so mad cos he lost the instructions,
• 04:18and he blamed her for stealing them,
• 04:20cos he's very paranoid.
• 04:22And he kept thinking that she was making him have Alzheimer's cos
• 04:26she kept apparently moving his belongings, like his slippers.
• 04:31The thing is with Nugget, you can be having a laugh with him,
• 04:34and we'll be laughing, laughing, laughing,
• 04:36he'll be laughing, laughing, laughing
• 04:37and then suddenly he'll stop...
• 04:41..and be, like, "What are you laughing at?"
• 04:43Kerry, can you put the oven on, please?
• 04:45Sweet, I'm starving.
• 04:46You're not having any. What, why?
• 04:49Cos you're a skav - get your own food. I'm not a skav.
• 04:51I paid for this with my birthday money. I'm not a skav.
• 04:53Well, get a job and pay for your own, then.
• 04:55I have got a job - I babysit people's pets, thanks.
• 04:58Yeah, how's that going for you? Well, it's early days.
• 05:03You can have that if you want. Look, that.
• 05:07Fuck off, mate.
• 05:09There's nothing I hate more than when we go to the pub together and I
• 05:13buy a packet of crisps and she takes them,
• 05:15opens them up and puts them on the middle of the table to share.
• 05:18I do do that. That's not her place to do that.
• 05:21KERRY SIGHS
• 05:22Cos I bought them for me, not to share.
• 05:24Let it go. That's injustice.
• 05:26Let it go.
• 05:28But it was annoying. Also, when I put 50p in the it-box
• 05:32to play pub quiz, I don't want your clammy fingers reaching over jabbing
• 05:36the screen - "Mel C, Mel C" - when the question clearly states,
• 05:39"Which of the following is NOT a Spice Girl?"
• 05:43You know, we've got 15 seconds to answer the question,
• 05:45enough time to confer -
• 05:47you don't have to just jab, jab, jab.
• 05:50We can choose the right answer.
• 05:55Sorry. What the fuck? I don't know why I did that.
• 05:58What the fuck? Sorry.
• 06:00Mum, what have we got to eat?
• 06:03What have we got to eat?
• 06:06I am looking in the freezer.
• 06:13What?
• 06:15What?!
• 06:17WHAT?!
• 06:25(Shit...)
• 06:26I forgot.
• 06:32Oh, fuck's sake. Business going well then, Kerr?
• 06:34Please can I just have some of your pizza, Kurtan? No.
• 06:38So selfish today!
• 06:42Oh, yes - turkey dinosaurs.
• 06:45Yes... Is it all right if I have some, Kerr?
• 06:47Yeah, if you give me a bit of your pizza.
• 06:50That's...that's not a fair swap.
• 06:52Well, don't have any of my turkey dinosaurs, then.
• 06:54Yeah, but I'm the guest. Guest?
• 06:56You're here more than I am, mate, and it's my fucking oven.
• 07:03Whoa, whoa! What are you doing?
• 07:04You're letting the heat out, you lummock.
• 07:06No, I'm going to take your pizza and put it on the bottom shelf.
• 07:08What are you doing, you big oaf? Mine takes longer to cook, Kurtan.
• 07:11That is just the way of the law.
• 07:12Yeah, but my pizza, yeah, has to be top shelf
• 07:14otherwise it won't cook evenly. Well...
• 07:17OK, here we go, here's something for you.
• 07:19Why don't you give me some of your crusts?
• 07:22And then I'll let you have top shelf.
• 07:24No.
• 07:25Here we go. This is going to be my best offer. Right...
• 07:28Because both of us want top shelf,
• 07:31I suggest what we do is cut the pizza in half...
• 07:33We can't do that. No, sorry. Why?
• 07:35Because I eat my pizza from the inside out, right?
• 07:38If you cut it in half, yeah, there's no inside to eat out from.
• 07:42I don't use the basic slice system, Kerr,
• 07:43which is why I get so fussy at Pizza Hut.
• 07:48Why are you crying?
• 07:51I'm not crying, I'm just...
• 07:52so hungry.
• 07:55I'm really sorry, Kurtan, but at the end of the day it is my oven so I am
• 07:58going to have top shelf.
• 08:00Just...don't cut my pizza in half, please.
• 08:02I won't. Just chill out.
• 08:04It's just a pizza, Kurtan.
• 08:06Kurtan gets very emotional, but that's just what we're like in this family.
• 08:10One of my first memories of Nugget is...
• 08:12we all go round Nan's for Christmas Day and she was about to get the
• 08:16spread on and he was like, Uncle Nugget was like,
• 08:19"No, I want to watch Chicken Run because I've been waiting for this to come out for a year"
• 08:22cos he loves Aardman Animations, and she was like,
• 08:24"No, we're all going to sit round the table
• 08:27"and we're going to eat the Christmas lunch."
• 08:29So he absolutely kicked off.
• 08:30He said, "Well, why can't I just watch it sat on my lap?
• 08:33"And eat my food on my lap."
• 08:36And she was like, "No". She's having none of it.
• 08:37So he stormed in, he punched a hole in the turkey...
• 08:40I started sniggering at this point,
• 08:42so he just got...he literally got a ladle of bread sauce and, like, threw it across the...
• 08:47across at me. It became a bit of a joke in the family cos the next
• 08:51year we brought him Chicken Run on DVD,
• 08:54and we thought he was going to absolutely love it and laugh,
• 08:58but he really did not find it funny at all.
• 09:02Shall I tell them about why he's called Nugget?
• 09:05You can, but it's a bit boring.
• 09:07No. Right, Uncle Nugget, yeah?
• 09:09He's called Nugget because he went in this nightclub and the DJ
• 09:13wouldn't play this song he requested so he got a knife, yeah?
• 09:16Cut off half the DJ's scratching thumb,
• 09:18threw it on the floor and some bloke came along who's just fucked out of
• 09:22his brains, picked it up and ate it
• 09:23cos he thought it was a chicken nugget.
• 09:27He's called Nugget because his second name's Nuggins.
• 09:31Where the hell did that come from?
• 09:33Seriously? Yeah.
• 09:35I think that's still part of...
• 09:37Kurtan went through a very bad lying phase.
• 09:40Yeah, I did, yeah.
• 09:43That's the thing, I lied so much I still don't know what's real life
• 09:46and what's plain lies. Mmm-hmm.
• 09:47I'm so glad you're out of that lying phase.
• 10:04There's injustices in this world, so many.
• 10:06I experience it in my life every day.
• 10:09Like, people look down their nose on me, like...
• 10:12When I go into the village shop, Mrs Wicks just follows me around
• 10:15like a stale guff, thinking I'm going to nick something.
• 10:18Which just makes me so mad.
• 10:20Yeah. Cos you can't nick anything.
• 10:22Well, yeah, but she doesn't know that.
• 10:24For all she knows I could be going in there to buy something.
• 10:27But...you only go in there to nick stuff.
• 10:30Yeah.
• 10:31So your point is you want to go in the shop to nick stuff,
• 10:35without being followed around by Mrs Wicks?
• 10:37That would make my life easier, yes.
• 10:40What?
• 10:43What?
• 10:47SHE SIGHS
• 10:47She's doing this all...
• 10:49Yeah?
• 10:54Right, I'm just going to watch something. This is winding me up now.
• 11:00Yeah, I'll get some later.
• 11:03TELEVISION: '..across the whole of your plate that I actually really, really like.
• 11:07'The only thing I don't like the taste of is the celeriac puree
• 11:12'and the chocolate and tamarind sauce.
• 11:15'It's sweet, sweet earthiness and I can't get it to sit happily.'
• 11:21She's not happy. 'I thought the dish was cooked beautifully.
• 11:24'Your venison is wonderful and soft.
• 11:26'Your celeriac puree is wonderful and creamy.
• 11:28'Your beetroot - melt in your mouth.
• 11:29'The crispness of your little rissoles, which crumble on the
• 11:32'outside, they're really lovely and shredded on the inside.
• 11:35'But the thing for me is, it all needs a little bit more seasoning.'
• 11:38She's livid, look.
• 11:39'The venison needs a decent...'
• 11:41You know what? I actually can't watch this - sorry, Kerr.
• 11:43Oh, no, don't. That is utter torture.
• 11:52Can't take Gramps four hours to drive from Gloucester.
• 11:54That's only a half an hour drive.
• 11:56It does. It actually does cos he goes at 5mph
• 11:59and he likes to be the only person on the road,
• 12:01so whenever he sees a car coming the other way he just pulls over.
• 12:04Yeah.
• 12:11Don't do that.
• 12:18God, Kerr...I watched the most fucked up thing last night. What?
• 12:23It was this real-life documentary, yeah, about this Nasa experiment,
• 12:27yeah, where they sent this monkey into space in its own spacecraft.
• 12:30But when it hit a certain altitude
• 12:32the monkey's head just exploded like a grape.
• 12:34So they sent this other monkey into space...
• 12:36Yeah? ..in its own spacecraft.
• 12:38And they sorted the altitude problem out but,
• 12:40cos the scientists were so obsessed with doing that,
• 12:43they totally forgot to teach the monkey how to navigate its craft,
• 12:46so he just got lost in space for all time.
• 12:51Which I think is far worse, to be fair.
• 12:54What?
• 13:01Well, go to sleep then, Sue, rather than shouting down here
• 13:03the whole time, you stupid old bat.
• 13:10Oh, well done(!)
• 13:13Yeah?
• 13:15Me and Kerry's mum do not see eye to eye.
• 13:17We've had some proper stand-up blazing rows.
• 13:21Actually, just me stand-up - she's always in bed.
• 13:24Cos, see, I live with my nan and we like things in a certain way.
• 13:28We like to know where everything is.
• 13:31But Kerry and her mum,
• 13:32they're just like two pigs rolling around in their own muck.
• 13:38Mum says you've got to leave.
• 13:40What? Why? Cos you called her an old bat.
• 13:42She is an old bat.
• 13:49You've got to leave now, mate. Yeah...I heard her.
• 13:55Bye, Sue.
• 13:57DOOR SLAMS
• 14:10I'm still here!
• 14:13If you want to have a laugh but also be physically sick,
• 14:17just watch Kerry's mum put her sandals on.
• 14:19It's disgusting.
• 14:22They're like two...
• 14:23Her feet are like two blocks of spam, yeah?
• 14:26And watching her trying to squeeze them into her Birkenstocks is...
• 14:34Get your mum to say tomato.
• 14:36Oh, no, not now. Please.
• 14:38KERRY SIGHS
• 14:38Please.
• 14:41Mum!
• 14:44What's in a BLT?
• 14:47A BLT.
• 14:51Yeah.
• 14:54Yeah.
• 14:57Yeah, what else do you have?
• 15:03No, but what's the T stand for?
• 15:08Yeah.
• 15:13What?
• 15:17What?
• 15:24I can't stop thinking about that monkey. Yeah, same.
• 15:30That's the thing, though.
• 15:32They went through hundreds of them in the '60s.
• 15:37And now every time I see a really bright star in the sky I can't wish on it,
• 15:42cos in my head I'm thinking,
• 15:45"That's probably just a spacecraft with some monkey bones in it."
• 15:50Scientists, as well, taught this monkey once how to sign language
• 15:54and it took them six months,
• 15:57and after six months he finally figured out how to do it
• 16:01and all he could bang on about was how his kids had been left in the jungle.
• 16:17CAR DOOR CLOSES
• 16:17Is that Uncle Nugget now?
• 16:25No.
• 16:26Yeah, Nugget scares me sometimes.
• 16:28Actually, to be honest,
• 16:29don't tell Kerry this, but I don't really like him.
• 16:34He is...
• 16:36He terrifies me.
• 16:40And I don't really want him...
• 16:42coming out of prison, to be honest, cos he needs help.
• 16:45I don't think he's getting the right help he needs.
• 16:47And cos Kerry can't see it,
• 16:49whenever he's around we just end up at each other's throats.
• 16:53Is there anything in there?
• 16:55No.
• 17:00What did you just take out?
• 17:01Nothing.
• 17:02I seen you just take something out.
• 17:04No, I didn't. Show me your hand.
• 17:06The other one. Hmm? The other one.
• 17:08What hand? I just seen you take something out.
• 17:10I'm just going to the toilet... No. Why?
• 17:12Open your hand.
• 17:13Open it. There's nothing in there.
• 17:15Open it. What...?
• 17:16KERRY GASPS
• 17:18A knob of cheese!
• 17:20You absolute traitor. That's my cheese - it's my fucking house.
• 17:24I wanted to grate...
• 17:25Ow! Sorry.
• 17:28What the actual fuck?
• 17:29I'm hungry. You...
• 17:30Aargh...
• 17:32Ow! Right, say sorry now.
• 17:33Say sorry now.
• 17:35Say sorry now, and then I'll let go.
• 17:37No. Say sorry now and I'll let go.
• 17:38Kerry, I'll go fucking apeshit. Say sorry now.
• 17:40Say sorry now and then I'll let go.
• 17:43Ow... Say sorry. Say sorry. Say sorry.
• 17:46Say it.
• 17:47Sorry!
• 17:49(Absolute idiot.)
• 17:54You wouldn't dare. Yeah, I would. You would not dare.
• 17:56Of course I would. You eat that, right...
• 17:59You eat that... You wouldn't.
• 18:00You wouldn't throw that.
• 18:02I would. No, you wouldn't. I would.
• 18:03Don't you dare eat that cheese.
• 18:05You eat that and I will smash this.
• 18:08I promise you, I will smash you with this.
• 18:13SHE GASPS
• 18:19What the fuck?
• 18:20Truce.
• 18:23Truce, truce. You've lost your head. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
• 18:29Fuck! You switched them!
• 18:31Did I?
• 18:35Nothing!
• 18:37Perfect! What the...?
• 18:39No!
• 18:45How has that happened?
• 18:46Seriously!
• 18:48I put it on the top shelf so it would cook evenly!
• 18:50It did. It's just cooked evenly burnt.
• 18:52Yeah, I can see it's fucking burnt, Sherlock.
• 18:56I fucking don't believe that!
• 19:04Do you want a turkey dinosaur?
• 19:07Can I?
• 19:08No.
• 19:11MOBILE PHONE RINGS
• 19:15Hello?
• 19:17Yeah.
• 19:19All right.
• 19:21Yeah, see you in a bit.
• 19:23Is that Uncle Nugget?
• 19:25No, it's my nan.
• 19:26My tea's ready. Well, what about Uncle Nugget?
• 19:28Oh, I'll just see him later.
• 19:29And this. You've got to help me clear up all this.
• 19:32Fuck that.
• 19:33See you.
• 19:36Well, it's his loss cos he's just going to miss out on
• 19:38Uncle Nugget time.
• 19:42I can't wait to see Uncle Nugget.
• 19:44He is such a laugh.
• 19:48He is going to make such great TV, I tell you that now.
• 19:55Can't wait.