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This Country S01E04 — King of the Nerds

Every line from “King of the Nerds” (433 quotes). Click one to open the meme editor on the exact frame, ready to caption and share.

• 00:02This programme contains some strong language
• 00:12'I tell you what, Kerry,
• 00:13'there are some days I wish you'd never been born, and... '
• 00:16Basically, Kerry's mum
• 00:18got a massive electricity bill
• 00:19and she reckons it's cos of Kerry's PlayStation.
• 00:22So she's threatening to give it away to the Ethiopians.
• 00:25Oh, fuck off!
• 00:26What are they going to do with a PlayStation? Eat it?!
• 00:42Yeah, well, why don't you get a job as a Meatloaf tribute act?
• 00:46Oh!
• 00:47That's who she looks like!
• 00:50Fuck.
• 00:53That's your PlayStation she just smashed.
• 00:58I saw that can of Tango you dumped on the corner...
• 01:01Oh, shut up. Shut up, then.
• 01:04Go home, mate. ..disgusting.
• 01:06'Yes, sadly, there aren't a lot of job opportunities
• 01:09'for young people in the village.'
• 01:11Kerry and Kurtan, neither of them have worked since leaving
• 01:14school, which means they've got a lot of time on their hands.
• 01:18Which is definitely not a good thing.
• 01:20Change your fucking trousers, mate. They stink.
• 01:23That's charming.
• 01:24THEY SNIGGER
• 01:38So, basically, there's a talk in the village hall today, with this
• 01:41really strong businesswoman called Shaz.
• 01:43And she's going to teach me how to make an absolute shitload.
• 01:47It was wanted by a poltergeist.
• 01:49I'm going to be just so rich.
• 01:50I'm going to build a helipad on top of my mum's house and land on it
• 01:54in a little copter.
• 01:55And then I'm going to say to my mum,
• 01:57"Oh, hi, Mum. How are you doing?"
• 01:59And she'll be like, "Oh, Kerry, I'm so sad.
• 02:02"I...I'm so sad what I did to you.
• 02:04"It was so disgusting and I'm such a vile pig."
• 02:06And I'll be like, "I'm so sorry, but I can't have this conversation,
• 02:09"cos I've got to go on Dragons' Den,
• 02:12"cos we're filming it in five minutes."
• 02:15Will I be there?
• 02:17Yeah.
• 02:18What we going to do on it?
• 02:20No, we're the, we're the judges.
• 02:21We'll be sat on a seat, like, with Deborah Meaden and that.
• 02:25My life did not get off to the best of starts.
• 02:27I was a single mother with no qualifications,
• 02:30no job and struggling to make ends meet.
• 02:33And then, one day, I caught myself looking at
• 02:35a reflection of myself and I said,
• 02:38"What is up with you, Shaz?
• 02:40"You used to be so bubbly..." Oh... Kerr? Yeah?
• 02:42She keeps guffing. Who?
• 02:43Her - farty pants.
• 02:45Shh! ..I had a sachet of that stuff and I never looked back.
• 02:48So I said, hang about, let me get this straight - if I become
• 02:51an Eternal Vitality sales rep, I can earn £15,000 a month?
• 02:55I can work from home, I can be my own boss... This is just quite boring isn't it, Kerry?
• 02:58..and the start-up pack's only £200... Kerr? What?
• 03:00Boring, isn't it? No, it's not.
• 03:03All of your dreams, guys, can come true.
• 03:07Just as long as you've got that £200 start-up fee, OK?
• 03:11Yes?
• 03:12What if you don't have the 200 quid, though, Miss?
• 03:14Miss!
• 03:15Yeah, that's a very, very good question.
• 03:17What's your name, darling?
• 03:18Kerry. Hi, Kerry.
• 03:20What if I was to say to you, darling,
• 03:23"You're dying, Kerry, and the tablets you need
• 03:25"to stop you from dying are going to cost you £200."
• 03:27What would you do then? Hmm?
• 03:29You'd beg. You'd steal. You'd borrow.
• 03:32You'd find that money. Next question, please. Yes?
• 03:35I did a similar thing selling Tupperware, and it turned out
• 03:38to be a pyramid scheme.
• 03:39OK, no, no, no, no, no. Bless you.
• 03:42This is not a pyramid scheme, OK?
• 03:44This is a multi-level management scheme -
• 03:46two very different things, as you can see here, in the slide.
• 03:51Multilevel management... You just got owned.
• 03:53..all coming together to form one legal scheme.
• 03:55Is that clearer for you?
• 03:57Er, so Kerry's just asking Shaz ways of how we can raise up
• 04:01the money for the start-up pack.
• 04:02Very rude man!
• 04:05Very rude!
• 04:09What?
• 04:10How was I being rude then?
• 04:13I wasn't being rude, was I? Right, come on.
• 04:15You would not believe what June just did to me then, what just happened.
• 04:18She just came up to me, jabbing her finger in my face, going,
• 04:21"Very rude man", like that.
• 04:23So, right, Shaz has given us loads of ideas of what we
• 04:26need to do, so we really need to start cracking on with it now. All I've ever been is nice to her!
• 04:30Daft cow.
• 04:34Shaz told me, to raise the start-up fee money, we should just
• 04:37flog all our old shit, which is exactly what we're doing.
• 04:41I reckon we'll make that 200 quid in about half hour.
• 04:59Oh, Warhammer.
• 05:02Go on, rummage through.
• 05:03I wondered...how much...?
• 05:05Standard-bearer. Er...
• 05:07Yeah?
• 05:09Don't know, really. I suppose the Snotlings will all come together.
• 05:12As you can probably tell, I went through a serious Snotling phase.
• 05:16And there's a few chaos bugs in there as well.
• 05:20So I've got my orcs here, yeah? Yeah.
• 05:22Wastelands are there. Yeah.
• 05:24And we're heading straight for them.
• 05:25No. See, you can't use orcs to seize the wastelands.
• 05:28It's practically suicide.
• 05:29Oh, my God, can you lot just shut up?
• 05:31Honestly, it's embarrassing.
• 05:34Kurtan is a fucking nerd.
• 05:36About three years ago, he started his own Emmerdale blog
• 05:39where he picks apart all the production gaffes.
• 05:41And he's got a chart on the wall,
• 05:43which he ticks off every time he sees a reflection of a boom.
• 05:48And I honestly am ashamed to know him, sometimes.
• 05:52Do you know what? It's been an absolute, utter pleasure meeting you two gents today.
• 06:03Well, because Deputy Dickhead over here didn't want to sell his Star Wars...
• 06:06Warhammer. ..the yard sale was an utter disaster.
• 06:09But Shaz said money trees don't grow on trees.
• 06:12You've got to buy the money tree.
• 06:13And if you can't afford to buy a money tree,
• 06:15you just borrow off someone else's money tree.
• 06:17So you've got a money tree loan out. Yeah.
• 06:19But I'm going to be making 15 grand a month, basic,
• 06:21so I'll be laughing.
• 06:23Yes, the interest rate on that loan is very high,
• 06:25but my overheads are low, see?
• 06:27Because I'm working out of my mum's shed,
• 06:30and I have zero staff costs, because I'm not going to be paying Kurtan.
• 06:33But don't tell him that.
• 06:37Oh...
• 06:38Can't wait to try this one, Kerr -
• 06:40apple and wheatgrass.
• 06:43Look at how good this looks, Kerr.
• 06:45This'll be so good for me, innit? Yeah. This sweet nectar.
• 06:53How is it?
• 06:53KURTAN GAGS
• 06:58You all right?
• 06:59Yeah.
• 07:00Just, I could really taste the grass.
• 07:05I feel better already. Do you? Really? Yeah, it's weird.
• 07:07Do you really? Yeah.
• 07:09In what way? Does my skin look any different?
• 07:12It's... Glowing? Yeah, it's glowing a bit more, yeah. Is it glowing?
• 07:17I... That's enough now.
• 07:19That's enough.
• 07:21Right, have you learned the script?
• 07:22What script?
• 07:24Are you joking? You are joking, right?
• 07:25Yeah. The script I gave you. Right, OK. Well, read it to me now.
• 07:29Hello.
• 07:30Hello what?
• 07:31Sir. You haven't learned it, have you?
• 07:33No.
• 07:33KERRY SIGHS
• 07:35My attitude towards business is sell, sell, sell.
• 07:38If you knock on someone's door, this is what Shaz told me,
• 07:40don't take no for an answer.
• 07:42Get into their house.
• 07:43If they say, "Leave my house", stay.
• 07:46And if they say, "I'm going to call the police",
• 07:47you walk upstairs and see if there's anybody else upstairs to sell to.
• 07:51What do I make of Kerry the businesswoman?
• 07:53Have you seen the state of her?
• 07:56What does she think she looks like in that suit, honestly?
• 07:59She looks like Uncle Fester.
• 08:01I take one look in the mirror in this suit
• 08:04and I feel proud.
• 08:06I used to just dressed in rags.
• 08:08Now I really feel like I've made it.
• 08:11Can't see her neck. Where's her neck gone?
• 08:18Hello, madam. Me and my colleague here, from Eternal Vitality...
• 08:25Right. I'm going to piss in their flowers, then. No, come on.
• 08:38What are you two after?
• 08:40Hello, sir.
• 08:41Me and my colleague here are from Eternal Vitality Juicing -
• 08:44a company that offers a wide range of health boosting juices -
• 08:47and just wondered if we could borrow a few minutes of your time.
• 08:51Year, I've got a few minutes.
• 08:53Eternal Vitality juices slowly release vitamins throughout
• 08:56your body all day, giving you extra energy...
• 09:00And then me wife died on the Thursday.
• 09:03(Oh, God.)
• 09:04And me brother died on the Saturday.
• 09:09And then, me stepson rang me up, and he said, "Dad,
• 09:12"I've found a lump."
• 09:14So that was him gone.
• 09:16Grandson dead, stepdaughter dead,
• 09:18and that bastard only got three years and a slap on the wrist.
• 09:21Oh, OK, well, thank you so much for your time,
• 09:23and we're really sorry that... And then they rung up from the hospital, and they said,
• 09:26"Could you get down here now,
• 09:29"cos they're draining the fluid out your sister's spine?"
• 09:33"Heart disease", he said.
• 09:35And I never smoked a single fag in me life.
• 09:38Kurtan...
• 09:39And the doctor, he just shrugged at me like this, look.
• 09:43Aye, like this.
• 09:44Yeah. He just shrugged.
• 09:46Sorry, are you going to actually buy something today?
• 09:49Eh? Are you going to buy something today?
• 09:53God, no.
• 09:54OK...
• 09:56Thank you very much for your time.
• 09:59That's all right.
• 10:01Enjoyed it.
• 10:03See you. Bye.
• 10:08So, I've let Kurtan take the lead on this one,
• 10:11because, basically, he's just not engaging enough.
• 10:13And he needs to build up his confidence, because, honestly,
• 10:17I'd be better off carrying around a sad sack of shite with me.
• 10:33How long do you reckon he's been in there for?
• 10:37Must be like 20 minutes.
• 10:39I reckon he's selling loads.
• 10:50Hello?
• 10:52Hello?
• 10:55Hello, Kurtan?
• 10:57Do you need any more stock?
• 10:59Kurtan? Four, five, six...
• 11:01Oh...
• 11:02Forgot you was outside.
• 11:03Utterly unprofessional!
• 11:05Seriously!
• 11:11It's your go, innit? Yeah, it's your go. Yeah.
• 11:13My guide to managing a team is pretty simple, really.
• 11:16Make the underlings...
• 11:18feel like shit, because
• 11:20you're the big boss.
• 11:21Take up the space.
• 11:23It's like a bull in a field.
• 11:25There can't be too many bulls,
• 11:26because they'll ruin it.
• 11:30Look, if you don't want to be involved in this business,
• 11:32then, seriously, just don't be involved.
• 11:35Is that all right?
• 11:36The fuck, Kurtan?!
• 11:38Seriously!
• 11:39I thought we were doing this together! It's just...
• 11:41Thing is, OK, it's just so much effort.
• 11:43Yeah, cos you're not pulling your weight, to be honest.
• 11:46That's why it's so much effort. PHONE RINGS
• 11:47It's actually more effort for me...
• 11:49And we're in a business meeting -
• 11:50why do you think it's OK to get your phone out? Who is that?
• 11:53No-one.
• 11:54What did they say that's so funny, then? You wouldn't get it.
• 11:56I would get it. You wouldn't. I would get it.
• 11:58All right, then. He said,
• 11:59"That awkward moment when an Orc lord asks you for a clack handle."
• 12:03You don't get it, do you?
• 12:05Right. I want these delivered...
• 12:08to every house in the village, tonight.
• 12:11I mean it.
• 12:13And stop with the attitude as well.
• 12:15Thing is, I don't know what you actually do.
• 12:22Business.
• 12:30I've really...
• 12:32..really had it today.
• 12:38And she was like,
• 12:39"Oh, you've got to hand out all these leaflets by tonight."
• 12:41And I was like, "Whatever, Orc-slammer.
• 12:43Kiss my arse. Oh, my God, you can't do that!
• 12:46Mental! Can do what I want.
• 12:47Watch this, then.
• 12:55BOY LAUGHS
• 12:56Parkour.
• 12:59I can't do that.
• 13:03Yeah, it's nice having new mates, to be honest.
• 13:06Not being bossed around by Baron Greenback.
• 13:09It's great, as well, cos they're proper lads.
• 13:11And, honestly, when we lot get together,
• 13:13we are proper mad bastards.
• 13:18Oh, my God! Did you see the look on the vicar's face then?
• 13:21He was livid, wasn't he? Yeah, he was livid.
• 13:24That was madness, man. That was...
• 13:26He was fuming!
• 13:28When I see them three together,
• 13:30I think...
• 13:32we could have another Columbine on our hands.
• 13:34And that's very scary.
• 13:36Look at the clouds - look how mad they are!
• 13:39They're crazy.
• 13:40Don't you just think sometimes - you look at the clouds and you just think...
• 13:43Sometimes you look at the sky and you think
• 13:45how insignificant that all is. Yeah.
• 13:49Yeah, do this.
• 13:50Put your hands like that.
• 13:52Yeah, open them up, look inside.
• 13:55That's what they actually look like. Ugh...
• 13:58Look at this stupid bloke here. Look at him.
• 14:02Look how stupid he is.
• 14:08Do you reckon he saw that?
• 14:10He's coming out!
• 14:13He's coming! He's coming!
• 14:18Yeah, he's not coming.
• 14:19He was going to, though.
• 14:21He was livid, wasn't he?
• 14:23Yeah, he was.
• 14:25KURTAN SIGHS
• 14:31Yeah, I was supposed to be delivering leaflets for Kerry,
• 14:34but fuck it.
• 14:35I ain't running round for her like a blue-arsed fly no more.
• 14:38And, anyway, she's promoted Levi above me now.
• 14:40And he's only ten.
• 14:42And he can't sleep without a night-light.
• 14:47So, how'd it go last night?
• 14:49Yeah, pretty good.
• 14:51Er, delivered all the leaflets round all the houses.
• 14:54Even went down Charlie Bottom Farm,
• 14:56which was quite a trek, but I don't mind.
• 14:58Erm...
• 14:59Yeah, it's actually quite surprising how many houses
• 15:02are in this village, as well.
• 15:04But, no - it was great, all in all.
• 15:06Levi, get them pictures up on your phone.
• 15:10500 leaflets,
• 15:12just dumped in the stream.
• 15:15Have you been here all night? Yeah.
• 15:17You really need to go home.
• 15:18Your mum's called the police and everything.
• 15:20Are you serious? Yeah.
• 15:22OK, go home now.
• 15:23But, if anyone asks, you fell asleep by accident, OK?
• 15:26Go home, now.
• 15:28KERRY SIGHS
• 15:30What was he doing here all night? Filing.
• 15:33Do you think I'm going to get in trouble?
• 15:35Are those debt letters? No.
• 15:37And you're fired, by the way.
• 15:39What? And you're also fired from being my best mate, by the way.
• 15:43Well, I have new mates anyway, by the way.
• 15:45Oh, what - the nerds?
• 15:46No. They're not nerds. They have names like human beings, actually.
• 15:49Oh, yeah? What are their names, then?
• 15:51HE MUMBLES: Count Fartula and Weak Nathan.
• 15:52Sorry, I couldn't quite hear that. Count Fartula and Weak Nathan.
• 15:55They're honestly not nerds, though.
• 15:57They're just my mates, they look up to me.
• 15:59What, so that makes you king of the nerds?
• 16:04Do you know what, yeah? You're just a bully.
• 16:07And you've been conned in some shitty little pyramid scheme.
• 16:10Well, it's a multilevel management scheme, so get it right.
• 16:13And the juice tastes like ass. No, it doesn't. Yes, it does.
• 16:16No, it doesn't. Drink some now, then.
• 16:17No, because I'm not thirsty, so what's the point?
• 16:19That's cos you know it tastes like ass. No.
• 16:21It is! Drink some now.
• 16:23If you believe in this business so much, yeah, you drink some.
• 16:25I don't mind drinking it. It doesn't bother me. Excellent.
• 16:28Now, have some now.
• 16:35Swallow.
• 16:38Tastes like ass, doesn't it?
• 16:48Bleurgh!
• 16:50That's all I wanted. I'll see you later.
• 16:53Embarrassment, you are.
• 16:55Bleurgh!
• 16:59Bleurgh!
• 17:02'In business, there will always be setbacks.'
• 17:07I don't drink my own juice,
• 17:09Fray Bentos doesn't eat his own pies.
• 17:13But that's business.
• 17:21Yes!
• 17:22'I'm not assed about being fired.
• 17:24'Gives me more time playing Warhammer.'
• 17:25Having said that, the lads are getting a bit annoying now.
• 17:29Since when have you had the Forbidden Forest?
• 17:32Since I bought it off the Troll King in the last round. Please keep up.
• 17:35Oh, my God...
• 17:37They just love playing by the rules.
• 17:39Sort of sucks the fun out of everything.
• 17:41Do you know what, I don't actually want to play this any more,
• 17:44because it is actually very, very boring.
• 17:48Erm, hello, Shaz.
• 17:50Erm, I've left you a few messages before.
• 17:53This is Kerry from the Cotswold area...
• 17:57'So Shaz's phone ain't working, which is a bit weird,'
• 18:01because all I wanted to do is ask her
• 18:03how she makes any money from these juices,
• 18:05because, at the moment, I'm losing money
• 18:08and I can't shift these juices to man nor beast.
• 18:19Kurtan, what shall we do now?
• 18:22I don't know. But which one of you is breathing so loudly?
• 18:24Because I can't hear myself think.
• 18:26Sorry, that would be me.
• 18:28What you saying sorry for?
• 18:30Why can't you stick up for yourself, both of you?
• 18:33BOTH: Sorry.
• 18:36Do you know what?
• 18:37I think I'm just going to go for a bit, and just chill out.
• 18:47On my own, yeah?
• 18:55Seriously, what you doing? Why you following me?
• 19:12Fuckin' hell, what was I thinking?
• 19:15They are massive, massive nerds.
• 19:18Staggering.
• 19:20I'm ashamed of myself, that's not usually me,
• 19:22so don't get the wrong impression.
• 19:24Normally, I'm beating those sort of kids up.
• 19:31KERRY SNIFFS
• 19:34All right? Yeah.
• 19:36PHONE VIBRATES
• 19:41SHE HANGS UP
• 19:45Who was that?
• 19:48No-one.
• 19:50Monetary loans?
• 19:54You been crying?
• 19:57Yeah.
• 20:02How was your mates?
• 20:04Not mates with them any more.
• 20:08Why not?
• 20:09Cos they're nerds.
• 20:11I did say. I know.
• 20:12I genuinely think one of them fancies me as well. Really? Yeah.
• 20:16Look, I think I know how we can pay your loan off. Yeah? Yeah.
• 20:22Cos that would be really great.
• 20:23Honestly, it'll be fine.
• 20:28A Snotling Pump Wagon,
• 20:3024 Lizardmen,
• 20:3232 Orc hammers
• 20:33and an entire Orc industrial army.
• 20:35'So, Kurtan very kindly offered
• 20:38'to sell his Warhammer.
• 20:40'Unfortunately it was worth fuck-all,'
• 20:42but it's fine, because I've got it all sorted out,
• 20:45cos I've got out a loan to repay the first loan
• 20:47and to also buy a PlayStation.
• 20:49And if I fall behind on the repayments of that,
• 20:52I just get out another loan, and so forth and so forth.
• 20:56It's working the system.