This Country S01E05 — Peeping Tom

Every line from “Peeping Tom” (476 quotes). Click one to open the meme editor on the exact frame, ready to caption and share.

This Country S01E05 meme — “PLAYS LONG, FLAT NOTE”

00:02This programme contains strong language
00:11FLAT FANFARE PLAYS
00:17Got that from Bitza.
00:19Shut up, please!
00:21Can you just stop stressing out?
00:23You've been stressed all morning.
00:25He's getting so stressed out cos this family's moved in
00:27across the way and he's just perving at the daughter all morning.
00:30I'm not perving! I'm not perving! You are. He is.
00:32I'm evaluating the situation, yeah,
00:34before I make my move, so shut up.
00:36There she is now.
00:38Oh, wow.
00:40Wowee, she's stunning, in't she?
00:42And it's fate her moving across the street.
00:44Oh, look, that's Slugs, look.
00:49God, he scrubs up well, don't he?
00:52What's he doing?
00:53Oh, he's snaking me, he's getting there before I am!
00:57Look, he's got his wallet on his chain out,
00:59and that's your thing as well.
01:00That's my... That's what I do, innit?
01:02He's pulling my pants down right now.
01:05I got to get down there. Right.
01:07Ker, got any Lynx? Yeah, in the bathroom.
01:09Bathroom.
01:11LONG, FLAT NOTE PLAYS
01:14Two quid, that was.
01:16And...she threw in that as well.
01:22Love that.
01:27'The problem with finding a girlfriend in the village is that
01:31'most of the girls you meet round here are old-age pensioners.'
01:35Hey.
01:36Hey. Kurtan.
01:40Kayleigh.
01:45So...do you have a boyfriend?
01:49Bloody hell, Slugs, slow down, mate.
01:51Let the girl move in first.
01:54Do you want to go out on a date?
01:56Again, Slugs, she doesn't want to go on a date cos she's just moved in
02:00and especially not with you.
02:02She might. Would you like to go out on a date?
02:06Yeah.
02:10What about me? Do you want to go on a date with me?
02:13Yeah? OK.
02:14OK? Great.
02:17Where would you like this? It's all right, I'll take it in for you.
02:20I picked it up first, so I'll take it in.
02:22All right, well, we'll just take it in together, then.
02:24'Yeah, I am looking for a relationship, but thing is'
02:28I've just got so many trust issues, yeah,
02:31with being fucked over massive in the past,
02:33so no matter how much I get close to someone now
02:35I'm thinking in the back of my head,
02:37"Shit, am I going to get fucked over?"
02:39Because I've been fucked over in the past massively.
02:43My last relationship proper fucked me up.
02:47I asked out Kirsty Taylor, right, on the way down the Hampton Court,
02:50only for my best mate Jack Russell to snake me.
02:52I thought I was your best mate?
02:54No, my best mate in woodwork class.
02:56So, I got car sick on the way back...
02:58Yeah, I was in your woodwork class.
03:01Yeah. Yeah.
03:04I got car sick on the way back so I had to sit at the front with
03:06Mr Perkins while Kirsty Taylor got with Jack Russell on the backseat.
03:09Yeah, even though he bought her a magnet from the gift shop.
03:12No, it wasn't a magnet. It was a magnet. No, it wasn't a magnet.
03:14It was. It wasn't a magnet.
03:16It was a bookmark with all the queens on it.
03:18PLAYS LONG, FLAT NOTE
03:26Thing is, that should be annoying me right now, but...
03:29look how much pleasure she's getting from that.
03:31I went through a really dark phase, didn't I, Ker?
03:34Listening to Papa Roach and just blowing everything up
03:36with them little French bangers. He did, yeah.
03:39What?
03:41What?
03:46Who?
03:50The vicar?
03:51The vicar?
03:52Kerry's dad?
03:58Shut up, you don't know what you're talking about!
04:10Do you know what? This is utter slander.
04:12Stop saying that about my dad!
04:15DOOR SLAMS
04:18The shit has hit the fan.
04:25He is a peeper, though, to be fair.
04:27Kurtan, I heard that!
04:30'I don't like the man. I know he's my uncle, but I don't like him.'
04:33And I don't like what he does to Ker.
04:35Like, he don't give a rat's arse about her because she's a girl.
04:38And all he's ever wanted is to bore a son
04:40so he can teach him how to concrete.
04:42And Kerry's like a dog.
04:44No matter how hard you kick her, yeah,
04:46she will still come back wagging.
04:47Harsh.
04:51Just saying.
04:53You're all right, though, ain't you?
04:55Yeah.
05:12So I've just been to my dad's, but he wasn't there
05:15because his girlfriend, Sandra, kicked him out.
05:18And he's living in a caravan at the moment.
05:20I'm just going to be there for him, no matter what.
05:22Just like he's been there for me.
05:24Even though that has been hard for him to be there for me, to be fair,
05:29because he has darts on a Wednesday and skittles on a Thursday.
05:33And the weekends are a write-off because he likes his me-time.
05:39I needed the toilet, right.
05:40I was desperate cos I'd had four points down the Keeper's. Yeah.
05:44So I went in the bushes by the ladies tennis club
05:46and some meddling old tart only goes and calls the police,
05:49and said I'm peeping on her.
05:50And I was aroused.
05:52I weren't aroused, just well-endowed.
05:55Yeah. You can't shoot a man for being well-endowed, Ker.
05:58No. Now they're pressing charges.
06:00Sandra's kicked me out.
06:03The darts team don't want to know.
06:05I went in the pub yesterday, all turned their back on me, even Alan.
06:09Even Alan? My life's in bloody tatters, Ker.
06:14Absolute tatters.
06:16I'm in this bloody caravan without a pot to piss in.
06:19It's just malicious lies, that's all it is.
06:22They're jealous of what God give me downstairs.
06:24Yeah. And now I've got nothing left.
06:26You've got me, Dad. Nothing left.
06:28I peeped once, in '78, and I didn't like it.
06:32I didn't like it one slice.
06:33No. And I vowed to myself to never peep again.
06:37Yeah.
06:39Tell a lie, I peeped just once more.
06:41Just to make sure I didn't like it.
06:43That was in '89. And I didn't like it that time, neither.
06:45No. I mean, I'm a milkman by trade, Ker.
06:48Don't you think I've got better things to do?
06:50It's all right, Dad, the truth has to out.
06:52No, it don't, Ker. The next thing you know
06:55you get a call from the police who say
06:58they've got CCTV footage that absolutely nails you
07:01and your DNA all over a tennis racket cover.
07:05I'm sorry, Ker, but it's an absolute stitch-up.
07:08It's all right, I'll look after you, Dad.
07:10THUD!
07:11SHOUTING OUTSIDE
07:11Oi!
07:13Ah, leave it, Ker.
07:15Leave it.
07:16It's only Alan.
07:18Bloody Alan. Fucking little snake.
07:27So, basically, Slugs is going to have his date with Kayleigh
07:31just before my date with her, which actually works in my favour,
07:34because he'll be setting the bar very, very low.
07:39And by the time I get there I'll be like a knight in shining armour
07:42and she'll be like the damsel in distress
07:43and she'll just come running into my arms.
07:47And if I have to, I will punch him,
07:49just to make sure Kayleigh knows she's safe...
07:52..but that will be easy cos it'll be like punching a turkey
07:55or any other flightless bird.
08:01That's sweet, innit?
08:04That reminds me of Kayleigh cos it looks so cute.
08:12Oh, here he comes, slithering in, snake in the grass.
08:17'Thing is with Kayleigh, yeah,
08:18'is that she's got to accept I'm damaged goods
08:20'and we will have to take it slow,
08:22'but time does heal even the most cruellest of hearts.'
08:26I'm not saying I've got a cruel heart,
08:28but if she ain't willing to take me as I am
08:30rather than the monster I've become, then she can literally just jog on
08:33back to sea with all the other fish cos I don't care.
08:35God, you still haven't made your mind up?
08:40Jeez. It's just a date, mate.
08:42That's all it is. You're not meeting the Queen.
08:45'Me and Kayleigh, we're like Beauty and the Beast, yeah?'
08:48And I'm like the Beast, cos the Beast has got massive trust issues
08:52with being fucked over massive in the past, yeah?
08:54And Slugs is like Gaston...
08:58'No, he's worse than Gaston,
08:59'he's like Gaston's fat, horrible little sidekick
09:02'that follows him around everywhere.
09:08'Like, what I love about Kayleigh is the fact
09:10'that she's so sweet and she's so bubbly.'
09:12Her going on a date with Slugs, I don't mind. Like, most blokes
09:15would go absolutely mad, and, like, fly off the handle about it.
09:18'But I don't mind, I'm chilled,
09:19'because at the end of the day I know she's only doing it'
09:22cos she's so kind that she doesn't want to hurt his feelings.
09:25Is that what you're getting?
09:28I didn't say anything.
09:29'What do you look for in a boyfriend?
09:31'Like, clean...'
09:33Got their own car.
09:36Cos I had a boyfriend once, but...
09:40..like, by the end, I was just giving him lifts everywhere.
09:44I mean, I love the way she looks, but I actually love her personality
09:47just as much because she'll light up a room.
09:50'If there was a group of people, you would just see her from a mile off
09:53'because she just stands out because she's got so much energy'
09:58and, yeah, that's why I love her, I think.
10:05Ladies and gentlemen, welcome aboard Flight 730
10:08departing Los Angeles International.
10:10This is your captain Martin Mucklowe speaking.
10:13Our flight time today will be 12 hours and we should be arriving
10:16at Frankfurt at approximately 1600 hours local time.
10:19I shall now pass you over to my co-pilot Kerry,
10:21who has some information on the weather.
10:23Hello, this is Kerry, your co-pilot, speaking.
10:25The weather on our route is good
10:27and the forecast is it'll be sunny in Frankfurt when we arrive.
10:30'Well, I think that Kerry would like a closer relationship with her dad,'
10:33but, to be fair to Martin...
10:38..he tries.
10:39I don't need to work, Ker.
10:41My bank is the fruity at the Keeper's.
10:43Right. When you get two nudges on the cherries, hit the cancel,
10:47take the Mega Trail.
10:50Won't pay out jackpot but it'll give you a tenner.
10:52Put the tenner back in, and on the next hold, hold them all.
10:56Jackpot.
10:58I cost the landlord 50 grand a year.
11:02And there's nothing he can do about it.
11:04'My dad's a legend in this village.'
11:07Once I was walking up Purley Crescent
11:08and these like smackheads from Swindon
11:11were about to start on me, to mug me.
11:12And I go, "Hang on a sec, do you know who my dad is?"
11:15And they go, "It's not Martin Mucklowe, is it?"
11:17And I go, "Yeah, it is." And they go, "Oh, sorry, mate."
11:20And they go, "Oh, your dad's a legend, by the way."
11:22And I go, "Yeah, I know."
11:24PLAYS LONG, FLAT NOTE
11:31What do you think of that?
11:33Use the diaphragm.
11:34I mean, my lungs are so strong I could blow up a hot water bottle.
11:38Cor!
11:40And watch again.
11:41PLAYS LONG, FLAT NOTE
11:57Something you won't know, Ker, is the last Thursday of every month
12:01I used to play pool with Fred West.
12:03What? I know he's done some iffy things,
12:06but as a builder he was top-notch,
12:09best in the West Country.
12:10Really? We'd say, "West, best in the West."
12:14And he'd laugh, he'd say, "Stop, Martin!"
12:17He could hold four bits of four-by-four, one-handed.
12:21And there's only one other bloke that can do that...
12:24and that's my old man.
12:32Good morning, ladies and gentlemen,
12:34we've started our descent into Frankfurt Airport
12:36and we should be arriving 15 minutes ahead of schedule.
12:40Now I'd like to pass you over to my co-pilot Kerry
12:43for an update on the weather.
12:44Hello, this is Kerry speaking.
12:46The weather in Frankfurt is 21 degrees Celsius.
12:49We wish you a pleasant stay in Frankfurt
12:51and we hope to see you all again soon
12:53and on behalf of all of our crew,
12:55thank you for choosing Martin Mucklowe Airlines
12:58as your airline today.
13:01Right, off to bed, you.
13:03We've got a return flight from Frankfurt to Los Angeles
13:06in approximately five hours and 42 minutes.
13:09Roger that. I love you, Dad.
13:13Yeah.
13:23'The key to dating, yeah, is the two Rs and the three Ts.
13:27'Respect, rapport, and talking, talking, talking.'
13:29Don't ever let that ball hit the ground.
13:32'Good relationships are built on great conversation.'
13:35Plastering... Right, time's up, fuck off.
14:06On a date, you've got to tell them all the interesting stuff about you,
14:10because that's what they'll be interested in.
14:13BIRDSONG
14:14KAYLEIGH SNIFFS
14:20I don't smoke, I vape.
14:27I said, I don't smoke, I vape.
14:36I went to this vaping exhibition, with my cousin, Kerry.
14:40At the NEC and there was about 10,000 of us just vaping.
14:55Yeah, I was on the bus the other day, yeah, and...
15:00..I was sitting at the back of the bus
15:02and the bus driver suddenly stopped the bus, yeah, and goes...
15:06and he walked all the way down, and goes to me,
15:09"You can't smoke on here."
15:11Guess what I was doing.
15:15Vaping. Vaping, yeah.
15:21Yeah, that's him.
15:21ENGINE STARTS
15:22That's good, good girl, yeah, that's him.
15:25All right, then.
15:28That's it, back her up, back her up, easy with her.
15:32That's it, she's biting.
15:36She's biting, go on. That's it, she's biting.
15:39Keep going, easy on the clutch, though.
15:43Easy on the clutch. Get that right, yeah, the timing, Ker.
15:52DOG BARKS
15:54What sort of dog do you reckon that is?
16:01He said to me, he goes, "You can't smoke on here."
16:03I said, "I'm not smoking, I'm vaping."
16:06The look on his face when I said that.
16:08I don't think he knew what vaping... what a vape is.
16:14I think it's a Labrador.
16:23That's better. That's it, that's good.
16:27Go on, my son, yeah, that's better.
16:30Yeah, well done.
16:34Well done, my son.
16:39Oh...
16:42..that's for you as well.
16:51Look how cute that is.
16:57Yeah, open it up.
17:00Read that.
17:06"You would make me the happiest mouse
17:09"if you say yes and become my spouse."
17:25'Yes, I've only known Kayleigh for one day,'
17:28but things move fast in the village. If you don't snap up your girl fast,
17:32some other fella might come sniffing round it.
17:36If I was a dog, I'd piss on her.
17:39Not in a harsh way, but just to mark my territory
17:43and warn off other fellas.
17:46Right, let me show you how to blind someone in a fight.
17:49Ker! Oi, I told you I don't want to see you,
17:52I'm spending time with my dad.
17:54Kayleigh, this is my cousin Kerry.
17:56And this is my uncle Martin.
17:58Much obliged.
18:02Is it all right if Kayleigh has a piss in your caravan?
18:04Yeah, but use the toilet, though.
18:07Go on, then.
18:16Oi, how's it going? I think I bloody love her, Ker.
18:19Really? She's so bubbly.
18:21Got her eating out of the palm of my hand as well.
18:23She loves the fact I vape.
18:25But you don't vape. I know, but she don't know that.
18:27That's it. Where's she off?
18:29Kayleigh?
18:31Kayleigh!
18:33What the fuck? Well, I didn't do nothing.
18:35Oh, my God.
18:38You peeped on her, didn't you?
18:39No, I never. Kurts... You're a dirty peeper.
18:42Oh, Kurts, no, he ain't.
18:43Don't say stuff like that. He's a dirty peeping bastard.
18:46Shut your mouth. That's what you are. Everyone knows it, even Alan.
18:49I was doing so well, Ker. Leave it, all right? Bye-bye, little boy.
18:51Now he's pissed on it, you peeper. Oh, please, Kurt.
18:54Wait till Alan finds out about this.
18:55Kayleigh! Kayleigh!
18:59You dirty peeping bastard!
19:03Kayleigh!
19:09So what did happen, then?
19:11I was over where you are making a squash.
19:14And before I know it she bolts out the door like a feral pig.
19:18So you did nothing at all, Dad?
19:20Nothing, Ker. You do believe me, don't you?
19:24Look, I wasn't going to tell you this
19:26but I'll bloody well have to now.
19:27I'm flying to Australia this weekend and I want you to come with me.
19:30What, as co-pilot?
19:32No, as captain, dipstick.
19:34You're joking!
19:36Right, let's get the map out and plan the route.
19:40Start here. Heathrow? Yeah, that's right.
19:43And then we'll stop over at Singapore.
19:45Right. Stretch our legs.
19:47And then we'll carry on to Brisbane if the weather holds.
19:49How does that sound?
19:51It sounds like the best day of my life, to be honest, Dad.
19:54PHONE RINGS
19:56Yep.
19:57Speaking.
19:59Right.
20:00OK. Yeah.
20:03Right, OK. Thanks very much.
20:06Bye now.
20:10They've only gone and bloody dropped the charges, Ker.
20:12You're joking me!
20:14Bloody Sandra'll be sorry for kicking me out.
20:17Turning her back on me. Oh, Sandra's an idiot, Dad.
20:19I never turn my back on you, do I? Just us two now, yeah, Dad?
20:22Hey, are you going to get the beers in, then, or what?
20:25Yeah, I was just saying, though, just us two now, yeah, Dad?
20:28Shop'll be shut in half hour.
20:30Yeah, sorry, Dad.
20:32COINS CLINK
20:32Yeah.
20:35Right, see you in a minute, then.
20:49'I am raging now.
20:51'I'm proper raging, mate.'
20:53Kayleigh!
20:54I've been looking everywhere for you.
20:57You all right? Yeah.
20:59Did he touch you? Who?
21:02Kerry's dad. No.
21:05He peeped on you, didn't he?
21:06No. If he exposed himself to you, yeah,
21:09I promise you I'll kill him with my own hands, yeah.
21:11He didn't. Well, he must have done something for you to run away,
21:15because that just doesn't happen.
21:18All right? Here's a tip, Kurtan,
21:20next time you take a chick out on a date, don't bore her to tears.
21:25As if.
21:26Kayleigh, did I bore you to tears?
21:32Oh, my God.
21:34You ran away cos I was boring you?
21:37Is this a joke?
21:40Look, let me take you out tomorrow, yeah, and we can just like...
21:43I can't. Why?
21:45I got a boyfriend.
21:48Who?
21:52Slugs?
21:58Seriously?
22:00Oh, my God.
22:01I told my nan about you and everything.
22:04She was so excited about meeting you.
22:08Fuck...
22:11Roses are red
22:12Violets are blue
22:13I've got five fingers
22:14The third one's for you.
22:16And you.
22:18Fucking hell.
22:21Did you see that there? I am glad I'm out of that now.
22:24Utter poison, the pair of them.
22:26Fucking hell.
22:33Dodged a bullet there, I think.
22:35Thing is now, though, I feel bad for calling Martin a dirty peeper.
22:40Do you know what? He might not even be a peeper after all.
22:43But if he is, he's probably just a part-time peeper.
22:50I just don't know why you'd say it.
22:51I know, I said I'm sorry, though, Ker.
22:53Yeah, but it's not me you need to apologise to, it's my dad.
22:56Yeah, I will. So why did she run away, anyway?
22:58Well...I didn't want to say, but apparently you gave her the creeps.
23:03What? Why? Your face creeped her out.
23:05So as much as I've got to apologise to you and your dad,
23:08you've actually got to apologise to me.
23:11All right, well, sorry, Kurts.
23:13Forgiven. Dad, Kurtan's got something to say to you.
23:17What are you doing?
23:19Just packing. What, for our flight to Australia?
23:23Yeah. It's a simulator, Dad, you don't need to pack a bag.
23:26Hang on. What's this?
23:29"Gone back to Sandra, cheers, all the best."
23:31You're going back Sandra's? Yeah.
23:33But aren't we going to do our flight to Australia?
23:36No. But I thought it was just me and you now, Dad.
23:39Ah, I got to go.
23:40You ain't going anywhere, mate. Get out of my way, pipe cleaner.
23:43You can't do this to Ker.
23:44You'd be letting her down again.
23:46Again. I don't need this.
23:48Fuck off. Don't fight. Don't touch me, mate.
23:50I'm going to lay you out. Come on, then! Come on. No, stop it.
23:53Right. I'll knock you out.
23:56Yeah, just try it, mate. Come on, then, Charlie large potatoes.
23:59I don't land the first punch, I play Gypsy rules.
24:01Yeah, well, so do I.
24:03You're going to fight, are you?
24:06Still kick you, though. Pathetic.
24:09Cock.
24:18Ladies and gentlemen, welcome aboard Flight 730
24:21departing London Heathrow.
24:23This is your captain Kerry Mucklowe speaking.
24:25Our flight time is 24 hours and should arrive in Brisbane
24:28at approximately 1100 hours local time.
24:34This is a solo flight.
24:40Don't let Sandra know,
24:42but on the last Thursday of every month I shag Alan's wife senseless.
24:47He says, "Martin, I can't get it up no more,
24:49"you're hung like an oxen..."
24:50Yeah. "..so give her a good stuffing to stop her nagging."
24:54And that's exactly what I does.
24:56I gives her the full works.
24:57Alan occasionally comes in to get a pair of socks but personally I think
25:02he just comes in to see how I does it.
25:04And afterwards we all go down the Keeper's and he buys me a pint.