dumpgang · episodes

This Country S01E06 — GNVQ

Every line from “GNVQ” (466 quotes). Click one to open the meme editor on the exact frame, ready to caption and share.

• 00:02This programme contains strong language
• 00:13We did that.
• 00:14"Darren Lacey is granny-bashing scum."
• 00:18We should probably scrub that out. Yeah.
• 00:21Turned out his granny was actually bashing HIM in.
• 00:25With a fire poker, weren't it?
• 00:28Yeah, we should change that. Yeah.
• 00:31"Granny is Darren Lacey-bashing scum."
• 00:36Yeah. Yeah.
• 00:44Kerry phoned me the other day at three in the morning saying,
• 00:47"Come quick, there's a hedgehog in the garden
• 00:50"that looks exactly like Grandad."
• 00:51So I got up, I got dressed and I ran over to Kerry's as fast as I could
• 00:56and then I just stopped in the middle of the street
• 00:58at three in the morning and thought,
• 01:00"What the fuck am I doing with my life?"
• 01:04I just can't open it.
• 01:06I just... I cannot open it.
• 01:09Oh, my God. I cannot open it, Vicar.
• 01:11Do you want me to open it? No, I'll open it, snatchy!
• 01:15Actually, yeah, you open it.
• 01:18I'm trying to encourage them to look beyond the confines of the village
• 01:21and think about their futures
• 01:23and maybe look at the bigger picture
• 01:26and have bigger dreams for themselves.
• 01:31They said yes.
• 01:34You're joking me?
• 01:36You're joking me?
• 01:37Because if you are joking me, that is massively harsh.
• 01:40I'm not joking, Kurtan. You've got it.
• 01:42Seriously?
• 01:43No way!
• 01:44Oh, my God!
• 01:46Seriously? Yeah.
• 01:47Get in!
• 01:48Oh, let me get a song up on YouTube.
• 01:54You're going to absolutely love this, Vicar.
• 01:56Here we go...
• 01:58Listen to this. Oh, for fuck's sake, advert.
• 02:00This isn't it. This isn't it.
• 02:02Here we go, this is it.
• 02:07# Always spend my life alone
• 02:11# Been searching for the place called home
• 02:14# I know that I've been cold as ice...
• 02:16Can you feel the warmth, Vicar?
• 02:18# Ignored the dreams, too many lies
• 02:21# Somewhere deep inside
• 02:24# Somewhere deep inside me
• 02:27# I found the child I used to be
• 02:32# And I know that it's not too late
• 02:35# Never too late...
• 02:37Vicar, wait for this, Vicar. Honestly.
• 02:39# 3am !
• 02:41Wait for it. This is brilliant.
• 02:45# The painted cow
• 02:48Wait for it. This is it.
• 02:49Wait for the top.
• 02:52# Hiaaaaa! Yeah!
• 03:01# I am the junglist soldier... #
• 03:04Vicar!
• 03:10No, no. Kurtan, no, not the cross.
• 03:12Banging.
• 03:14Did you see that?
• 03:17That was insane, wasn't it?
• 03:19Let's go down the pub and get shitfaced.
• 03:21Come on.
• 03:24Have you ever done a pill, Vicar? No.
• 03:27Thanks to the Vicar helping me and that,
• 03:29I got a place doing a GNVQ in health and social care at Swindon College
• 03:33and I'm going to be moving there in halls and everything.
• 03:36So, yeah, I'm basically going to start doing something with my life.
• 03:39I think it's wonderful you want to help people, Kurtan.
• 03:41It's amazing I got in, isn't it, Vics?
• 03:43How many people do you reckon applied but didn't get in?
• 03:45I imagine there were a few. I reckon...loads.
• 03:48But I got in, didn't I?
• 03:50Yes, I think it's great.
• 03:51But let's finish filling out these forms, shall we?
• 03:54What do you reckon Kerry will say?
• 03:56I'm sure she'll be over the moon for you.
• 04:02Where do I see myself in five years?
• 04:05Well, me and Kurtan will have a flat in the middle of the village
• 04:10and all of our furniture will be inflatable
• 04:12and we'll have a Sky box
• 04:14and it will pay for itself,
• 04:16because we're going to use the spare room to breed quails,
• 04:18because their eggs are worth fucking shitloads.
• 04:21Ker.
• 04:23Oh, you're not going to believe this.
• 04:25Me and Levi have created this gang called the Dump Gang
• 04:28and we're going to build a den at the dump out of old car parts.
• 04:32And we've found this washing machine that we're going to use as a safe,
• 04:35so if you want anything putting in there, you've got to tell me now.
• 04:37Right. What were you talking to the vicar about?
• 04:41Nothing. Well, why wouldn't you let me in earlier?
• 04:43Because we were talking about man stuff. I can talk man stuff.
• 04:45Yeah, but not that sort of man stuff. You wouldn't understand.
• 04:48I think I would understand, thanks. What's the massive secret?
• 04:52The vicar's got a problem with his ball bag, all right,
• 04:55so stop going on about it, yeah?
• 04:57What sort of problem?
• 04:59One of them's turned hard, like a stone.
• 05:04Now, can you stop with the questions, please?
• 05:06Oh, hello, Kerry.
• 05:09Has he told you yet?
• 05:10Yeah.
• 05:11And what do you think?
• 05:16I don't really know what you want me to say, to be honest.
• 05:19Well, I'll give you two some more time to let it sink in, shall I?
• 05:27Why is he so proud about it?
• 05:29I don't know. Now, come on.
• 05:32I wouldn't be shouting that.
• 05:35Yeah, I am going to tell Kerry, and soon,
• 05:37because apparently word's getting around,
• 05:40but I've just got to try and find the right moment.
• 05:42You know, I want to do it in my own time.
• 05:44I think it will be tough for Kerry.
• 05:47A lot of her peers have moved on already, so...
• 05:50she's been hanging out with a lot of year sevens.
• 05:53But of course, when they get to year 11, they move on, too,
• 05:57so Kerry's just found another batch of year sevens to hang out with
• 06:02until they move on.
• 06:06That's the door. We did that.
• 06:08There's Pork Chop. He's on security.
• 06:10And Ball Of Laughs. Pick that up. Let me show you.
• 06:12Yeah, so we're going to have that on the door,
• 06:14so you use that as a door-knocker. I love that.
• 06:16And come through in here.
• 06:18Oooh...
• 06:19It's all right, Pork Chop, he's with me. Just... OK?
• 06:22And... Oh, close your eyes.
• 06:24Show him our best find, Levi.
• 06:28OK, one, two, three and open!
• 06:32What are you going to do with them?
• 06:34Smash them on the road, probably, I would have thought.
• 06:37And... Oh, because you're fastest in the gang, you get to wear this.
• 06:43No, not... Sit still. Just once.
• 06:45Not on my curtains now.
• 06:46All right? What are you doing here?
• 06:50Levi!
• 06:52No, we had a meeting about it.
• 06:53We're still considering his application, Levi.
• 06:56And you didn't use the door, which is really annoying.
• 06:58That counts against you, as well.
• 07:00The thing is about Slugs is,
• 07:02he'll turn up when you don't want him to
• 07:05and then you can barely understand a word he says, anyway.
• 07:09Oh... My phone keeps doing that in my pocket.
• 07:20To who?
• 07:21What?
• 07:22You can be a bit annoying sometimes.
• 07:24Oh...! I never slag you off.
• 07:30Is this about the Calippo, still?
• 07:32Because you offered to buy me that.
• 07:34Yeah, but I didn't think you'd actually let me pay for it.
• 07:36And...I offered you a Mini Milk, yeah, not a Calippo.
• 07:39You know I don't like Mini Milks.
• 07:41Yeah, but a Mini Milk is 50p
• 07:43and Calippo was £1.20, just so you know.
• 07:45You absolute arsehole.
• 07:47I just knew at the time that you were being funny about that.
• 07:56What?
• 08:00What's wrong with you? Are you actually?
• 08:02Yeah.
• 08:05Well...
• 08:07when are you going?
• 08:10Pretty soon. Why?
• 08:13Don't know, I just want to do something.
• 08:24Well, sadly, it is very difficult
• 08:27for young people to find work in the village.
• 08:29Erm...
• 08:30And I think that particularly in Kerry and Kurtan's case, er...
• 08:34they could have really benefited from the routine and structure
• 08:38that would have brought to their lives.
• 08:46If he wants to go, good luck to him, I say.
• 08:49I reckon he thinks that I can't live without him, which is a laugh,
• 08:52because he went a whole weekend away once to Brean Sands
• 08:57and I got on all right.
• 08:58I just ended up following this cat around the village.
• 09:01DRILL WHIRS
• 09:03Levi, that needs to go way higher, mate.
• 09:05Higher, higher...
• 09:07That's it.
• 09:11No, I'm happy for him.
• 09:12I'm not upset.
• 09:19Kerry seemed to take it pretty well, if I'm honest.
• 09:22Not what I was expecting after last time, though.
• 09:25I went away, yeah, for just one weekend to Brean Sands
• 09:28and she was ringing me the entire time, texting me, texting my nan,
• 09:33phoning the caravan park reception.
• 09:35Honestly, it was an utter nightmare.
• 09:38And I said to myself, "I can't go away again."
• 09:41I am excited, yeah.
• 09:43Meeting new people, getting out of this shithole.
• 09:45I've got to do what's right for me, at the end of the day,
• 09:47instead of worrying about other people.
• 09:53I want the smashed bathroom tiles cleaned up,
• 09:55because they are all over the road
• 09:57and the Portaloo's got to go back to the building site
• 09:59where you found it, please. And now. Because I mean now.
• 10:05You got anything to say to me first? HE SIGHS HEAVILY
• 10:07I don't know what you're talking about, Kerry.
• 10:10How about sorry? Sorry for what?
• 10:12Sorry for the massive knife
• 10:13that's hanging out the back of my back because of you.
• 10:16Well, what do you mean?
• 10:18Cos you stabbed me in the back.
• 10:20Backstabber.
• 10:21Oh, and while you're stabbing me in the back,
• 10:24feel free to bend down and kiss my arse.
• 10:26I don't understand.
• 10:27Why are you forcing Kurtan to move away when he doesn't want to?
• 10:34I didn't force him. He came to me and I helped him.
• 10:37You should be happy that he's happy, Kerry.
• 10:40I'm not happy that he's happy.
• 10:42I'm only happy when I'm happy.
• 10:44And right now, I'm not happy with the fact he's happy.
• 10:46Look, I think you just need to have a chat with him
• 10:48and understand where he's coming from. Where he's coming from?
• 10:51What, studying health and social care?
• 10:53I don't even understand what that means.
• 10:54He wants to help people, Kerry.
• 10:56He wants to feel worthwhile. Help who?
• 10:57Help who? Like old people.
• 10:59Old people are stupid old fucks who I hate.
• 11:02Do you know, if two old people go out for a meal,
• 11:05they'll leave just as much mess as a baby in a high chair.
• 11:09That's a very offensive thing to say, Kerry.
• 11:11Please leave and come back when you're being less vile.
• 11:14Me being vile? I'm not the one who was going on about
• 11:17my rock-hard ball bag, mate,
• 11:19so you might as well just spread it around for everyone.
• 11:21I've no idea what you're talking about.
• 11:23You never do, do you? Come and see me when you've calmed down.
• 11:27A wolf in shepherd's clothing.
• 11:35BIRDS TWITTER
• 11:39I had a call from the vicar this morning
• 11:42and apparently Kerry is not happy with me going away after all.
• 11:46Brean Sands all over again...
• 11:49I should have known it.
• 11:51All right?
• 11:58Look, I'm sorry I didn't tell you earlier
• 11:59about going away and that, it's just...
• 12:01Can I just ask you an honest question?
• 12:04Why would you want to leave the village
• 12:05when we've got a pub and a shop?
• 12:07If I'm honest, yeah, it's just...
• 12:10Like, I'm just bored living round here now, I think,
• 12:13and I do think I've just outgrown this village now.
• 12:16Oh, what, so you've outgrown the parish church, have you?
• 12:19Well, yeah. I have.
• 12:20Yeah, but what about the duck race, though?
• 12:23Well, I'll just come back for the duck race.
• 12:25You can't just come back for the duck race. Why?
• 12:28Because you can't just dip in and out.
• 12:30You either dip in or you dip out.
• 12:32You can't dip in and out.
• 12:33It doesn't work that way.
• 12:39Ker, aren't you just bored?
• 12:43No. I'm not, mate. I'm not bored.
• 12:47Like...
• 12:49..we spent all of last week, yeah, trying to get a pound coin
• 12:52out of a well with a magnet on a piece of string.
• 12:55So? That's all we did!
• 12:57Well, you know that's rubbish, because we did bury the dead carp,
• 13:00as well, so...
• 13:01Look, can I just talk to you, like, alone
• 13:04for, like, two minutes, please?
• 13:07Just so I can talk, like... I just want to...
• 13:10Yeah? Oh, fine, whatever.
• 13:12Please? Yeah.
• 13:13Two minutes, though.
• 13:16Everyone we grew up with, yeah, all our mates have moved on.
• 13:19Like Darren Lacey and Kirk, they share a flat in Stroud now.
• 13:26Do you remember that Christmas when they came back, yeah,
• 13:29and they drove us to McDonald's
• 13:31and we had to sit and watch them eat their McDonald's
• 13:33because we couldn't afford any?
• 13:35And all they could bang on about was how good it was working at Halfords.
• 13:38So?
• 13:40Like, I was embarrassed, mate.
• 13:44I honestly went home that night and just bawled my eyes out
• 13:47because I know that they've moved on and I haven't
• 13:50and I'm stuck in this life, going nowhere.
• 13:57Like, when I bump into people I know in the street, yeah,
• 14:00my heart sinks, because I know what they're going to ask me.
• 14:03"Oh, all right, Kurtan, what are you up to now?"
• 14:06Well, I haven't got nothing to say, because I ain't up to anything.
• 14:10And I ain't been up to anything since I left school.
• 14:12Do you know what I think?
• 14:14I think you don't know how lucky we have it
• 14:16to be doing nothing with our lives, like.
• 14:18We're all going to die, anyway, so what's the point in doing anything?
• 14:21No...
• 14:23That's... You don't get it, do you?
• 14:25No, what I don't get is you going behind my back,
• 14:27wanting to leave me here on my own. That's what I don't get.
• 14:32Why can't you just be happy for me?
• 14:34Do you know what you're like? You're selfish.
• 14:36Me selfish? So selfish.
• 14:38I'll tell you what you're like, then. Yeah, go on.
• 14:40Actually, no, I won't, because it'll upset you. No, go on.
• 14:42You started now, so you might as well.
• 14:46You're like Tony from Hollyoaks.
• 14:48Everyone else has moved on,
• 14:50but you're staying where you are, yeah, year in, year out,
• 14:52doing the same old shit, hanging on to the same old shitty memories.
• 15:00Do you know what?
• 15:01Good luck with it all, yeah?
• 15:21SHE SNIFFLES
• 15:30VICAR: Yes, they have had a bit of a falling out, which is unfortunate.
• 15:33But when you've been as close
• 15:35as Kerry and Kurtan have been for so long, that's understandable.
• 15:40And, erm, I think it's my job to...
• 15:43try and help them see each other's point of view.
• 15:45But ultimately, I'm confident they're mature enough
• 15:48to put this behind them.
• 15:51Can I play? No!
• 15:52Well, right, I'm going to tell the vicar, then,
• 15:55if you don't let me play! OK, bye!
• 15:57SHE SNIFFLES
• 16:02OK, right, you're both going to have your say, so let's begin.
• 16:08Kerry, would you like to speak first?
• 16:10What would you like to say?
• 16:11Firstly, Grand Theft Auto Five.
• 16:14We bought that together, so who's going to keep that, then?
• 16:17Well, she can have it during the week and I'll have it at weekends.
• 16:20Does that work for everyone? No, not for me.
• 16:23Because I'm not happy with my half of Grand Theft Auto
• 16:26being passed around some crappy halls like some pig on market day,
• 16:30getting scuffed or lost or stolen.
• 16:33I'm not happy with that. Just have it, then.
• 16:35No, I can't have it. Because it's not rightfully mine.
• 16:38I believe that maybe we'll have to do some sort of a changeover,
• 16:42through either you or a contact centre.
• 16:44Fuck, fine.
• 16:46OK, then. There's another thing, as well, I just want to say.
• 16:50I've got a Pog that I gave to him ages ago.
• 16:53I didn't actually give it, I lent it to him,
• 16:55that I actually need back now.
• 16:57What Pog? It's shiny.
• 16:59I lent it to you ages ago and I really want it returned.
• 17:02Oh, my God...!
• 17:04This is baffling.
• 17:05Are you not baffled by this? That was probably at school.
• 17:08I've moved house, yeah, three times since then.
• 17:10I want you two to be on good terms for when Kurtan leaves.
• 17:13Did you see that sort of behaviour that I'm having to put up with?
• 17:16I'm just asking for my Pog to be returned before he fucks off
• 17:20and leaves me all my own with a Grand Theft Auto to look after.
• 17:22I am being very calm. OK, Kerry.
• 17:25Kurtan, will you be able to look for Kerry's Pog?
• 17:28I can look, but I won't find it.
• 17:30That sort of attitude I've had to put up with for 20-odd years.
• 17:33I'm not surprised. Yeah, and I've had to put up with
• 17:36that nagging old bellshaft for 20-odd years.
• 17:38Come on, what did I just say? That's another thing.
• 17:40I want ownership of the words - bellshaft, wankcoin and arsepirate.
• 17:43Because I made them up.
• 17:44I don't want them being bandied around a college
• 17:47with him taking ownership of them, because that's not right.
• 17:49Fine, then. I want ownership of the words fucknut and dickmilk.
• 17:52OK, right, that's enough. Fine! Fine.
• 17:56I do want that in writing, though, by the way.
• 17:59I actually...cannot wait to leave this shithole.
• 18:03Yeah, and I actually cannot wait for you to leave this shithole.
• 18:23I had this come through the post.
• 18:25And I've got a few concerns about it.
• 18:28Firstly, this guy on the front looks really arrogant.
• 18:31Not the sort of guy I was expecting, if I'm honest.
• 18:35Well, the big day is approaching
• 18:37and I can tell Kurtan is a little anxious.
• 18:39This morning, we had a few effs and jeffs flying around,
• 18:42but that's totally understandable, as he's on edge.
• 18:44I ain't joking now, Vicar.
• 18:46This is starting to stress me out a little bit.
• 18:48Look, Kurtan, I'm sure the pattern on the carpets in the classrooms
• 18:51aren't going to be a problem. How many times do I have to tell you?
• 18:54Swirls on carpets freak me the fuck out.
• 18:56What if I have an epileptic fit?
• 18:57I'm feeling light-headed just thinking about it.
• 19:00Kurtan, I know you're feeling a bit anxious, it's a big step,
• 19:03but it's normal to feel this way.
• 19:05And another thing. I've been looking at the menu in the cafeteria, yeah,
• 19:08and I wonder if you could be so kind in telling me
• 19:10what the fuck is pesto?
• 19:14So, as I say, he's a bit on edge,
• 19:16but we've had a good chat
• 19:18and I think he's, erm...really looking forward to it again now.
• 19:23I don't want to be saying this again.
• 19:25If you want to get into Dump Gang headquarters, use the door.
• 19:29That's what it's for.
• 19:30'Yeah, I haven't seen Kurtan in a while.'
• 19:33But I'm doing all right.
• 19:34I've got the Dump Gang and we're tight as fuck.
• 19:37You know, it's so simple.
• 19:39All you have to do is go, "Knock-knock. Who's there? Slugs.
• 19:42"What's the password?
• 19:44"Dump Gang. Can I come in?
• 19:46"Yes, you can come in, because you did it correctly."
• 19:49You know?
• 19:52You all right, Kerry? No, I'm not all right!
• 19:54Just, people just need to start, you know,
• 19:56treating this place with some respect.
• 19:58Who gave Molehill the hoover bag hat? He's banned!
• 20:01He went to the toilet in the office.
• 20:05Just give me that, now.
• 20:07Everyone, Pork Chop, get everyone out, please.
• 20:11Use the door!
• 20:12Use the door!
• 20:15Just...
• 20:18Thank you, Pork Chop.
• 20:43So...the coach leaves in half an hour.
• 20:47Yes. I'm not dumb, Vicar.
• 20:50Why are you trying to stress me out?
• 20:51You know I'm already stressed out as it is.
• 20:54It's all right, Kurtan, come on. Everything is going to be fine.
• 20:57KURTAN SIGHS
• 21:07CAR STARTS
• 21:17It's a shame Kurtan's gone because, just this minute,
• 21:20I've come up with a business idea...
• 21:22..that he would have absolutely lapped up like a thirsty mule.
• 21:27It's basically this idea for a taxi company called Aardvark Taxis,
• 21:32because aardvark's got two As in it,
• 21:34so it's the first in the phonebook.
• 21:36So when you open up the phonebook, it's the first one you see.
• 21:41And on the open day, I'm going to dress up like an aardvark
• 21:44and hand out balloons with a taxi number to little kiddies.
• 21:49KNOCK ON DOOR
• 21:51What's the password?
• 21:54I found that Pog of yours.
• 21:59Do you still want it?
• 22:02Can you just post it through the letterbox, please?
• 22:15Is that position still going for fastest in the gang?
• 22:19No, Molehill's got it now by default.
• 22:23Well...
• 22:25I've decided to take a gap year out now, so...
• 22:28if you need someone to hold the title for a year, I could do it.
• 22:32What, so you ain't going now?
• 22:34Well, I'm still going, but I'm going to take a gap year out first,
• 22:38just to prepare for it and that.
• 22:41Can I come in?
• 22:44What's the password? What is the password?
• 22:46Dump Gang. Dump Gang. Come in.
• 23:02How's the vicar?
• 23:05Just disappointed.
• 23:08How's his ball bag?
• 23:10Oh, er...
• 23:13It just turned black and dropped off, I think.
• 23:18I really liked the way you used the door.
• 23:24I really like how...
• 23:27..you respect my curtains. Yeah, because they're fucking sweet.
• 23:35Urgh!
• 23:36Oh, careful!
• 23:38Sorry.
• 23:39Urgh! Ah...!
• 23:41Can you help me down?
• 23:43Here comes the fat king!
• 23:47Here is the king!
• 23:48The fat...
• 23:49Argh!
• 23:50Ow! Oh...!
• 23:52Look at that.
• 23:55We wouldn't want to be anywhere else.
• 23:58This is our country!
• 24:00This country is ours!