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This Country S02E01 — Random Acts of Kindness

Every line from “Random Acts of Kindness” (473 quotes). Click one to open the meme editor on the exact frame, ready to caption and share.

• 00:02This programme contains strong language
• 00:14You see this house here?
• 00:16There.
• 00:18The bloke that used to live in there, right,
• 00:20kept hearing strange noises coming out of his attic at night.
• 00:23And he'd go to the fridge
• 00:24and find that food was missing from the fridge.
• 00:27So he thought, "I'm just going to go up to the attic and check this out."
• 00:30And he found an entire family of Peruvian panpipe buskers
• 00:32just living up there.
• 00:33And he thought, "I'm just going to leave them to it,
• 00:36"cos they're not really doing me any harm."
• 00:37And then, a few years later, he thought,
• 00:40"Well, I'll just go up to the attic to check on them.
• 00:42"See if they're all right."
• 00:44And it turned out they'd all died of asbestos poisoning.
• 00:51Yeah, he doesn't live there any more.
• 00:54He lives in Stroud, cos it's closer to his work.
• 01:02Loads has happened, hasn't it?
• 01:03Loads has happened since you've last been here. You missed so much. Er...
• 01:06You missed the duck race. The duck race.
• 01:08Vicar fucked that one up, didn't he? Absolutely fucked it. Fucking hell.
• 01:12Kurtan's got a new girlfriend, haven't you?
• 01:14Yeah, I have, actually.
• 01:15Called Sophie Elizabeth Huxley.
• 01:17But I call her Soph.
• 01:19Yeah, and she also lets me call her Soph, as well, doesn't she?
• 01:21Yeah, she does.
• 01:24Well, I was on Tinder for a bit.
• 01:28But I wasn't getting any matches, so... You didn't get one match.
• 01:31Yeah. Not one match.
• 01:32That's only cos no-one round here is on Tinder,
• 01:34so, you know, I had to keep setting my radius further and further
• 01:37and further, then the radius got to France.
• 01:40And it just got silly by the end. You know.
• 01:42I can't afford to be going back and forth on the tunnel
• 01:44every other weekend to take some French frog out bowling.
• 01:47No way. You know...
• 01:49So, then, one evening, I was on Facebook and it popped up,
• 01:53"People you might know."
• 01:54Yeah, so he messaged every girl on there, saying,
• 01:57"Hey, what is your spirit animal?"
• 02:00Icebreaker. Icebreaker.
• 02:02And then Soph was actually the first one to reply, saying,
• 02:05"Giraffe, what about you?"
• 02:07And I said, "Whatever animal has sex with a giraffe."
• 02:11And she found it a laugh. Yeah.
• 02:13A lot of girls don't find that a laugh, though.
• 02:16Especially if their spirit animal
• 02:18was a hamster or their dead nan. Yeah.
• 02:22I just decided to sack off college altogether, in the end.
• 02:25Especially now I got Soph.
• 02:27To be honest, didn't really want to go in the first place,
• 02:29but the vicar was just trying to push me into it.
• 02:32Basically, just trying to live his dream to me.
• 02:34Anyway, he's latched onto Kerry now.
• 02:36And he's leeching the life out of her.
• 02:38She can't see how toxic he is.
• 02:40So, the trick is to just get the trowel in like that.
• 02:42VOICEOVER: It's been an interesting few months, actually.
• 02:45I've been spending a lot more time with Kerry, which is great.
• 02:48She's come on leaps and bounds, with regard to her outlook on life.
• 02:52Oh, who's been nicking after them runners?
• 02:56They're absolutely fucked. Sorry for saying...
• 03:00Cos I've changed massively since you've been here last.
• 03:03Cos I've reformed myself.
• 03:05Cos I've been hanging out with the vicar and that,
• 03:07and he's sort of taught me the way of the world.
• 03:09Like, how to be kind to others
• 03:11and treat people the way I always want to be treated.
• 03:15This is marvellous. It's lovely, isn't it?
• 03:18Some people will always be scared of me,
• 03:19and I can't change that, no matter how nice I am.
• 03:23But there is a balance to be had between being nice and being feared.
• 03:26Like, Dr Barnardo, he was just too nice and not feared.
• 03:30So he just got overrun by orphans and everyone just took the piss.
• 03:35Yes! Yes, that's what I'm talking about!
• 03:39Just a bit less power, now. Well, exactly.
• 03:43If I meet it in the middle, then I'll get there.
• 03:45What's this? Oh, all right?
• 03:48We're just playing a bit of golf. Why?
• 03:51Cos it's fun.
• 03:52That was mental, though, wasn't it?
• 03:54That was very good, indeed.
• 03:56Kurtan, it's so good to see you!
• 04:00Vicar, Sophie, Sophie, vicar.
• 04:02Hi, Sophie, lovely to meet you at last.
• 04:05It's lovely to meet you, too, Vicar.
• 04:06So, how are you?
• 04:08Good. Yeah, pretty good.
• 04:10Probably the best I've been in a long time...
• 04:13Look at that! Look at that! That's brilliant.
• 04:15I'm so happy for you both.
• 04:16Kurtan's all was going on about you, Vicar. No, is he?
• 04:20That's not... You know, Kurtan, you can pop in any time
• 04:23to see me for a cup of tea and a catch-up.
• 04:25Don't really like tea. Well, just a catch up, then.
• 04:30Don't really like catching up. It's not my thing.
• 04:32Well, I'm running Secret Cinema Club on Thursday,
• 04:36if you two wanted to come.
• 04:38We're doing Grease. It should be fun. Oh, I love Grease. Oh, so do I.
• 04:41That's my favourite... Yeah, we'd love to.
• 04:43Oh, would you? That would be great. Well, you should definitely come.
• 04:46Yeah, we will. Yeah, fine. Whatever.
• 04:49Great! All right. Yeah. So nice to meet you.
• 04:51And you, Sophie. That's great.
• 04:52But if you want to pop in before then, Kurtan, you know where I am.
• 04:55Yeah.
• 04:57Sticking your nose in everyone's business. But he seems really nice!
• 05:00Yeah, cos he's a sociopath. That's what they all want you to think.
• 05:03It's all just an act.
• 05:10I just watched this video
• 05:12of this girl doing a random act of kindness on YouTube.
• 05:14She basically paid for this old man's shopping at the till.
• 05:17And this old man was, like, about 90 years old.
• 05:20And he's so fucking old, like, you could see through his skin.
• 05:23And he just starts bawling his eyes out.
• 05:27He's like, "You're fucking joking me, this ain't fucking real life."
• 05:31I just thought, I want to make someone feel like that.
• 05:34Cos that's...I really... That's what I want to do.
• 05:37What?
• 05:39What?
• 05:44As a random act of kindness.
• 05:47As a random act of kindness.
• 06:00I don't know what she's talking about.
• 06:01Cos I do wipe my arse properly.
• 06:04OK?
• 06:12No, listen.
• 06:13Right, if I turn my phone off, right, Soph,
• 06:16that means I don't want to talk to anyone. Not just you.
• 06:20Yeah, I just want a bit of Kurtan time.
• 06:22You know. What's wrong with that?
• 06:25Ugh! Yeah, OK, fine, then.
• 06:28Whatever.
• 06:29Yeah. Bye.
• 06:31Fucking hell.
• 06:34Can't believe that.
• 06:35So I turned my phone off, right, for literally, like, two days.
• 06:38She's going absolutely mental about it.
• 06:40Going, "Oh, I thought you were dead. I was going to call the police."
• 06:43I'm not dead. Just can't be arsed to text her sometimes.
• 06:47You know. Is that such a crime?
• 06:50Problem is, when we first started dating, I set the bar too high.
• 06:54Cos I was just texting her the whole time,
• 06:56but that was because I wanted to reel her in.
• 06:58But now the fish is in the net,
• 06:59I ain't going to keep throwing worms at it.
• 07:01Cos that's a waste of worms.
• 07:03You know, correct me if I'm wrong,
• 07:05but four texts a day is complete madness.
• 07:08No-one can keep up with that.
• 07:10Not even Giffgaff.
• 07:15So, Slugs updated his Facebook status this morning,
• 07:17saying how his PlayStation broke and how gutted he was, and that.
• 07:21So I thought I'd do my very own random act of kindness for him.
• 07:24Because perhaps I have been quite harsh to him in the past. You know.
• 07:29I mean, he's not that annoying, it's just,
• 07:31he just needs to learn not to breathe out of his mouth.
• 07:34Cos that just winds everyone up.
• 07:40SHE MOUTHS
• 07:43Hello!
• 07:45Oh. Erm...
• 07:46Sorry, is Slugs in?
• 07:49Michael.
• 07:52Me and Michael have been going out for nearly a year.
• 07:54It's going well.
• 07:56Really well.
• 08:01Hello. Hi.
• 08:03So, I heard your PlayStation broke.
• 08:05Yeah. It's really sad. Sucks, man.
• 08:07Really sucks. But I've got a little surprise for you.
• 08:12Because I know how harsh life has been to you.
• 08:14Cos it has been really harsh, you know,
• 08:16and you deserve happiness just as much as the next man, don't you?
• 08:19Yeah. Yeah.
• 08:21Which is why, as a random act of kindness, I am giving you
• 08:25my PlayStation.
• 08:29Thanks.
• 08:44Hello. You happy with that? Yeah?
• 08:46Yeah? Yeah. Yeah?
• 08:48Yeah, thanks. Yeah.
• 09:04Hello. Oh...
• 09:06Sorry, Slugs...
• 09:07Can I speak to Slugs, please?
• 09:10Michael?
• 09:28Is he coming?
• 09:29He is? Yeah. He is coming? Right.
• 09:32OK.
• 09:37Hello.
• 09:40Hello.
• 09:42All right, so...
• 09:44Is there a problem here? With what?
• 09:46Well, just - I've just given you a PlayStation
• 09:48and it just doesn't feel like you're that grateful for it.
• 09:51I am. You are? Yeah. Really? Because it doesn't really feel like that.
• 09:55That's the thing. At all. It's a PS3.
• 09:58Yeah. Because... I get...
• 10:00That's way I've given you my PS3, because it was broke,
• 10:03that's the whole point of this whole thing. No...
• 10:06My PS4 is broken.
• 10:08My PS3 is in the garage.
• 10:12Oh... I just... I'll just have it back.
• 10:15Sorry, Kayleigh, can you just pass me my PlayStation back?
• 10:18That would be absolutely great. Thank you very much.
• 10:20Can I keep the controllers? No, you can't keep the controllers,
• 10:23because, you know, it was a whole thing...
• 10:25That's the whole point in... Can I go now?
• 10:27I was going to give it to you... Yeah, whatever. Fine.
• 10:29Just eat your toast and breathe at the same time,
• 10:32like you usually do, because that is disgusting,
• 10:34and, you know, you have no manners.
• 10:36Fine.
• 10:40The fact is, you did something nice for someone.
• 10:43Am I doing something nice for someone?
• 10:44Because it doesn't really feel like it,
• 10:46because I'm not getting great feedback from it.
• 10:48But, but, Kerry, look, doing kind gestures for people
• 10:51is not about getting recognition,
• 10:53it's about doing kind things selflessly.
• 10:55I am doing kind things selfishly. No - selflessly.
• 11:00What does...selflessly mean?
• 11:03Well, it means you don't need people to be grateful
• 11:07for the kind things you do -
• 11:09you do it anyway, because it's the right thing to do.
• 11:15Right...
• 11:17So, like, when you're at Tesco's, using the self-service checkouts,
• 11:21and the machine gives you your change,
• 11:23and it says, "Please take your change,"
• 11:25and you say, "Thank you,"
• 11:26and you know it can't hear you say thank you, because it's a robot,
• 11:30but you say thank you anyway, because it's the nice thing to do...
• 11:35Um... Yes, well, sort of. Yeah. Yep.
• 11:38I get it. I get it, I get it, I get it, I get it.
• 11:41Cheers, thanks for that, Vics.
• 11:42No problem. Thank you. Thank you, Kerry, bye.
• 11:47DOOR SHUTS
• 11:59There will be £4, please.
• 12:01There we go.
• 12:02Talking to the vicar really helped,
• 12:04so, I decided, as a random act of kindness,
• 12:07I'm going to do security for him at his Grease cinema night.
• 12:13All right Kate, you're all good.
• 12:14If you'd like to go on through, just up and on the right, OK?
• 12:17Kerry, what are you doing? Checking for knives and shit.
• 12:19I really don't think that's necessary.
• 12:21It is, if my enemies know I'm here.
• 12:23I was at midnight Mass one year, right,
• 12:25someone got tipped off I was there, as I was coming out the church,
• 12:28somebody tried to shoot me with a crossbow.
• 12:31OK, Kerry. Right.
• 12:36Sorry. Just the one ticket...? Oh, another thing.
• 12:39Just to let you know,
• 12:40I changed all the light bulbs in the toilet to UV,
• 12:42so if we get any smackheads in tonight,
• 12:44they won't be able to see their veins when they're shooting up.
• 12:47Super. Right, um...
• 12:49Just... Sorry about that. Just the one ticket?
• 12:51All right?
• 12:53What are you wearing? What?
• 12:55Why are you not dressed up?
• 12:57I thought you were joking. No.
• 12:59That's the whole point of Grease cinema night -
• 13:01you dress up as, like, the people from the film.
• 13:03Well, I haven't seen the film, have I?
• 13:04That's why I came here - to watch the fucking film
• 13:06like a normal human being. All right! Just go inside, then.
• 13:14Oh, my God, is that Slugs?
• 13:17What is Kayleigh wearing?!
• 13:18She looks great.
• 13:20She can't walk in those shoes! Fucking 'ell.
• 13:23Bambi on ice. She looks good.
• 13:27Hey, guys. How you doing? Doing good.
• 13:30All right, Kurtan? Yeah.
• 13:33Good.
• 13:37'50s ROCK AND ROLL PLAYS
• 14:04All right? Am I glad to see you.
• 14:06Why?
• 14:07This - it's shit, innit?
• 14:08What? This, this whole... It's embarrassing.
• 14:12What, the party? Yeah.
• 14:14Don't know what party you're at, this one's bangin', mate.
• 14:17Look at everyone, look at them.
• 14:18You ain't dressed up. You ain't dressed up.
• 14:21Yeah, I am. I'm security.
• 14:23You look like Andy Fordham.
• 14:26Who's that?
• 14:27Fat darts player, basically.
• 14:29Well, I don't care, because I'm enjoying myself.
• 14:34I do miss spending time with Kurtan, actually.
• 14:37I suppose that's a bit selfish of me, really,
• 14:39because he's got his own life to live, but...
• 14:42You know, it's just so good to see him so happy with Sophie.
• 14:47SLOW DANCE NUMBER PLAYS
• 15:03I don't even know why you getting so upset.
• 15:05I di...
• 15:07I've made an effort by coming here tonight. I didn't want to come.
• 15:11Do you understand that? But I still did.
• 15:13You don't give a shit about me. Oh...
• 15:15I make such an effort, and now you don't give a shit.
• 15:18When I look at Slugs and Kayleigh, I think that's all that I want.
• 15:21SCOFFS: That is insane.
• 15:24It's not - he was dancing, he was making an effort.
• 15:26Yeah, like a fucking boo-bah. And you still haven't let me know
• 15:29if you're coming to my parents barbecue on Sunday. Oh...
• 15:31I've asked you like three times...
• 15:32Hey, hey, hey! This is Mr Belding.
• 15:34What have I told you kids about loitering in the corridors?
• 15:37Sorry, mate, who are you?
• 15:39Ian.
• 15:41Ian, right, I'm just having a very serious chat
• 15:43with my girlfriend right here,
• 15:45and what you've just done is really inappropriate, mate, all right?
• 15:48Sorry, mate.
• 15:50Fuck!
• 15:53Do you not wanna be with me?
• 15:57Mr Belding, that...that's Saved By The Bell, that's not Grease.
• 16:01He's got that totally wrong.
• 16:04Sorry...
• 16:06What did you say?
• 16:08Fucking prick.
• 16:13Oh, fuck.
• 16:16DOOR SLAMS
• 16:23Mr Belding!
• 16:25Pfft.
• 16:27He's... He's gonna be embarrassed about that in the morning.
• 16:37Sophie dumped Kurtan last night, so he's in a bit of a state.
• 16:42I had to wheel him here from his house in an Asda trolley,
• 16:45cos he was just too heartbroken to move.
• 16:50It's a shame, cos I'd just finished writing my best man speech.
• 16:54But...
• 16:59When I first saw Sophie
• 17:00I thought, "Wow, Kurtan's really punching above his weight,
• 17:03"he'll never be able to hang on to her" -
• 17:06but he has, and I've never seen him happier.
• 17:30You all right?
• 17:34Kurtan?
• 17:37Kurtan, mate?
• 17:39Yeah, I just...
• 17:41Oh, I just need to sort my shit out.
• 17:44Try and fix things.
• 17:50Yeah, it is hard seeing Kurtan like this,
• 17:53but when someone's down, there's nothing better
• 17:55than a little random act of kindness -
• 17:58and I know exactly how to fix things.
• 18:05Sometimes you don't know what you got until you ain't got it any more.
• 18:09KNOCK AT DOOR
• 18:09Hello?
• 18:12Like Blockbusters.
• 18:14I just took 'em for granted - and then, one day, gone...
• 18:17..and you spend ages trying to figure out what went wrong,
• 18:20and then you realise it was your fault all along.
• 18:24It's all right, Kurtan.
• 18:25Not Blockbusters, that... that was online piracy,
• 18:29and lack of vision upstairs, in the boardroom.
• 18:33It's just like...
• 18:35..after not going to Swindon College and that,
• 18:40when I ducked out, I just thought that I'd let you down.
• 18:45Of course you didn't.
• 18:49Is...
• 18:50Is that why you've not been coming to see me?
• 18:53Yeah. Oh, Kurtan.
• 18:57Well...that, and...
• 19:01..the cress that we sowed together in the village hall kitchen,
• 19:06I've actually been having nightmares about it,
• 19:08because I haven't watered it in so long,
• 19:10and in my dreams, the cress is so thirsty,
• 19:14it's dying like a starving dog,
• 19:15and it's going, "Kurtan just left me to die."
• 19:18Kurtan, don't... Don't worry, it's fine.
• 19:21I've been watering it. Yeah? Yes.
• 19:23Really? Yes.
• 19:25Oh...
• 19:28That's...
• 19:29That's amazing. I'm sorry you've been worrying so much about it.
• 19:35I really am. It's just so stupid, I just know it's so stupid...
• 19:38Oh, you mustn't feel stupid.
• 19:40I wish you'd come and told me all this earlier.
• 19:44Yeah, just had a great chat with the vicar, and honestly,
• 19:49it feels so much better now that everything is sorted.
• 19:52I feel bad for slagging him off,
• 19:54because that was bang out of order...
• 19:57..and for posting a picture of him on that German porn site, but...
• 20:01..I can probably take that down, I think.
• 20:04I feel like a prat about the cress, as well, but...
• 20:07You don't need to feel silly about that.
• 20:09You don't believe how much stress...
• 20:10I've been stressing about it so much.
• 20:14Yes, it's great having Kurtan back, I've really missed him. Um...
• 20:19..but just between you and me, his cress did die. Um...
• 20:24..but I don't think he's quite ready to hear that just yet.
• 20:36I just think I was in denial about a lot of shit, even Soph,
• 20:40and I was taking it out on the vicar,
• 20:42even though it weren't his fault.
• 20:44Thinking about it now, me and Soph just weren't right for each other.
• 20:47All right? No, I'm just going round Kerry's house.
• 20:50She really wants me to come over.
• 20:52Yeah, probably be nice to hang out with her again, just us two.
• 20:56Like the old days, really.
• 21:00All right? All right?
• 21:02Hi. All right?
• 21:05What are you...doing here?
• 21:07Well, Kerry called me... I called her.
• 21:10Oh, right.
• 21:12OK.
• 21:14So, the wanna talk? Cos this is just... This is so silly.
• 21:17It is so silly. Yeah, it's just...
• 21:20It is what it is, though, really.
• 21:23So...
• 21:24Do you wanna go outside? Give her a kiss!
• 21:27Er... Why?
• 21:30What for?
• 21:33I thought you said you wanted to fix things.
• 21:35I...don't...remember saying that.
• 21:37You did. You told me you wanted to fix things.
• 21:41He did.
• 21:43I did, yeah, but...
• 21:44..with...with the vicar.
• 21:54So, you definitely don't wanna fix things with...
• 21:57..her?
• 21:59Nah...
• 22:00Sorry.
• 22:02Um...
• 22:05Yeah.
• 22:08Probably should go now.
• 22:11OK, see ya.
• 22:14Sorry, can I just get round you?
• 22:16Thanks.
• 22:19DOOR CLOSES
• 22:30I'm so sorry...
• 22:33..but...
• 22:35..is it all right if you leave my house?
• 22:39It's just I only kind of know you through Kurtan.
• 22:44Is that OK?
• 22:46Yeah?
• 22:48So sorry about that.
• 22:56Ooh...
• 22:58See ya. Bye.
• 23:07I'm not quite sure what...
• 23:12Cos I must have read that completely wrong, there.
• 23:19It's her own fault, actually...
• 23:22Cos she led me down this path.
• 23:25You know?
• 23:27I...
• 23:29She was sort of doing it to me, that's the thing.
• 23:32She was going to me, "Oh," you know, "you get us back together."
• 23:36It is not really my fault, is it?
• 23:39I think she's just living in a dream world.
• 23:42She wanted it to go that way,
• 23:44and it just wasn't gonna go that way.
• 23:46She even got ME thinking that they'd get back together...
• 23:51..but that's manipula.... manipulative people...do that.
• 23:55And he's better off without her.
• 24:01Am I going first? Yeah.
• 24:04Kurtan, not bad. Bit more power. Yeah.
• 24:07Your go, Kerry.
• 24:09Rubbish. Er, Kurtan, please.
• 24:12That wasn't rubbish, that was a good effort.
• 24:16Ah, see?
• 24:18That wasn't much to write home about. Aah! Hah!
• 24:21She just kicked it! No, I didn't.
• 24:23Kerry... I saw you kick it!
• 24:25Just a minute. Kerry... You can't kick...!
• 24:27Kerry, don't be silly, look.
• 24:28Play fair, or you can sit out. No, honestly, cos...
• 24:30Come on. It's... All right... Come on.
• 24:32..I'll just tell him about the cress, then, shall I? What?
• 24:34What about the cress?
• 24:36Kerry, please.
• 24:38What about the cress? Nothing, Kurtan. It's fine.
• 24:42I'm just gonna take this shot. What about the cress?
• 24:45It's fucking dead, isn't it?
• 24:57Why'd you have to do that, Kerry?
• 25:00Is it my turn?