dumpgang · episodes

This Country S02E03 — Minor Injuries

Every line from “Minor Injuries” (475 quotes). Click one to open the meme editor on the exact frame, ready to caption and share.

• 00:02This programme contains strong language.
• 00:12WOMAN SCREAMING
• 00:21Mum gets night terrors when she sleeps during the day.
• 00:24But, like, she's literally,
• 00:27like, that close to falling off her bed as well.
• 00:29But apparently you can't wake them up
• 00:31when they're having night terrors,
• 00:33because they can have a heart attack, or even worse,
• 00:36they could foul themselves.
• 00:38MUMBLING, LOUD THUMP
• 00:39Shit!
• 00:41MUMBLING CONTINUES
• 00:42Oh, it's all right, she's still asleep.
• 00:49Hello. Hi.
• 00:51Um, yeah, I need the timetable for the 51 bus, please.
• 00:5651? Yup.
• 00:5851...
• 01:00VOICEOVER: So, tomorrow I'm going to TK Maxx
• 01:02in Swindon, and I have to go tomorrow
• 01:04cos it's the first Saturday of the month,
• 01:06and that's when all the new stock is released.
• 01:08And if I leave it any later, it'll just be the dregs left.
• 01:11But getting there is an absolute nightmare.
• 01:15Right. Right.
• 01:17Down.
• 01:18Oh, fuck me, it's like Crystal Maze!
• 01:20Cos these places can't afford to pay people,
• 01:22they get any old fuck-up to come in and volunteer,
• 01:25and no-one can have a go at them for fucking it up
• 01:28because they're fucking it up for free.
• 01:31That's, that's...
• 01:32..opening times at Bird Land.
• 01:33You should know that, cos there are two penguins on the front.
• 01:36Oh, yeah.
• 01:38Um, is there anyone here who works for money, that I could...?
• 01:41Oh, only me, I'm afraid. Right.
• 01:43Ooh, Len! What? Len, you don't know about the bus, do you?
• 01:47It's fine... The bus? What bus? It's fine. The 51. Don't...
• 01:50Honestly, don't get him involved, it's fine... The 51?
• 01:53Good luck with that, mate. Well done.
• 01:54No-one ever catches the 51. Yeah, OK. You can't get it.
• 01:58Yes, I think there is a strain on local services in the village.
• 02:03There's certainly a lack of funding.
• 02:04You could be waiting for hours to get the 51... OK.
• 02:06..and it won't come. Thanks for nothing. All right, bye.
• 02:09And as a village, we have had to rely on volunteers,
• 02:13who, may I add, are all absolutely fantastic.
• 02:19Oh, fuck's sake!
• 02:20All right, I've got football training this morning.
• 02:23Basically, every Saturday for the last few weeks,
• 02:25the vicar's started footy practice at the park.
• 02:28And he's letting me help him run it.
• 02:32Fuck! Where's my England shirt?
• 02:35Mum! Mum!
• 02:38Where's me England shirt?
• 02:41Me England shirt. I can't find it.
• 02:49Oh, shut up! I haven't.
• 02:56I haven't done that.
• 03:01Just...don't listen.
• 03:05Just...
• 03:07..stupid.
• 03:15I don't fancy Cain Dingle.
• 03:17I just respect him, because he's the only one in his family
• 03:20who's got his head screwed on.
• 03:23Aah.
• 03:25We, er, did have a few sports clubs in the village,
• 03:28but sadly the funding stopped and the clubs ended,
• 03:31so, er, I've tried to get things going again by helping
• 03:34organise some football training.
• 03:36I know how important it is to get young people active.
• 03:39Kerry, if you don't mind distributing those,
• 03:41that would be great.
• 03:43Just to remind you, remember the instep, trap, pass.
• 03:46Trap, pass.
• 03:48VOICEOVER: Although I don't consider myself
• 03:50much of a sportsman these days,
• 03:51I was quite a handy goal attack in my university netball team.
• 03:56I, um, I-I had the nickname Fiery Francis,
• 04:01because I had a bit of a temper on court.
• 04:09Thankfully, I don't have to get a bus to go to Swindon now
• 04:12to go to TK Maxx.
• 04:14Vicar said he'll drop me off after football practice.
• 04:17To be honest, I don't know why anyone bothers
• 04:19going to that football practice. It's a freak show.
• 04:23MOBILE PHONE CHIMES
• 04:24Hello?
• 04:26What's happened?
• 04:29Ohh! Typical.
• 04:31Absolutely typical. Yeah, all right.
• 04:33I'm coming now.
• 04:36Something's happened with Kerry at football, so...
• 04:39..I'd better go.
• 04:48What happened?
• 04:50Pork Chop absolutely KO'd me.
• 04:51No, she slipped awkwardly on the grass.
• 04:53She's, she's in agony, I'm taking her to A&E...
• 04:55Pork Chop basically slide tackled me for absolutely no reason.
• 04:58Now I actually can't feel my leg.
• 05:00Well, we'll just drop her off first, then, shall we?
• 05:02And then go to TK Maxx.
• 05:03I can't even think about that right now, Kurtan.
• 05:06I'm just getting the car, just stay there.
• 05:07All right? You all right? No.
• 05:09What happened?
• 05:11It was Pork Chop.
• 05:12And Slugs.
• 05:14But he slide tackled me...
• 05:16..out of spite, because I was scoring too many goals.
• 05:19I think I'm going into shock, Kurtan.
• 05:23I'm in so much pain!
• 05:25Kerry has a very low pain threshold,
• 05:29but a very high emotional pain threshold.
• 05:32Like, I've been with her when she's knocked on her dad's door
• 05:35and you can hear him inside going, "Shit! It's Kerry! Hide!"
• 05:38and literally nothing from her, not even a tear.
• 05:42But Kerry physically can't deal with pain.
• 05:47OK.
• 05:48I really don't think we've got to go to A&E, though.
• 05:51Look, we do, Kurtan, actually. I really don't think she needs...
• 05:53Kurtan, I'm going to need your help, all right?
• 05:55One, two, three, and lift!
• 05:57KERRY GASPS
• 05:59Vicar! Your finger's going up my arsehole, mate. Sorry, sorry.
• 06:02Swivel round, and just put your bottom in first... OK, OK.
• 06:05I'll hold the back of your head, so you don't bash yourself.
• 06:07There we go, you're in. Well done, Kerry. Well done.
• 06:10Well done, Kerry.
• 06:12I have to go to TK Maxx today. Look, Kurtan, not now.
• 06:14I can't go tomorrow, can't go next day.
• 06:17You did say, though, didn't you?
• 06:19That I could go to TK Maxx today... Kurtan, not now.
• 06:21All right? Can you just get in the back, please? Please, come on.
• 06:27Vicar!
• 06:29Vicar!
• 06:33Vicar, oi!
• 06:37What is it, Len? You can't be driving on here.
• 06:40Yes, I know, but actually, if you can see...
• 06:42You can't be driving on here, Vicar.
• 06:43I'm aware of that, Len, it's an emergency.
• 06:45Well, emergency or no emergency,
• 06:46old Graham's not going to be happy, his tarmac...
• 06:49SHOUTING: Oh, for goodness' sake, Len, just move on!
• 06:54Excuse me. Mind yourself.
• 07:01I can't believe you shouted at Len!
• 07:03Yes, well...
• 07:04That was brutal!
• 07:07He looked like he was going to cry.
• 07:15OK, take it slowly, Kerry. You're doing really well.
• 07:19There we are.
• 07:20OK, just...
• 07:23..just a few more.
• 07:24Hello, somebody been in the wars?
• 07:26Yeah, me.
• 07:28OK, can I take your name, love?
• 07:30Kerry Mucklowe.
• 07:32Kerry... And how are we spelling that?
• 07:34M-U-C-K-L-O-W-E.
• 07:37OK. And what's the symptoms, what's the matter?
• 07:40Um, I basically smashed my leg to smithereens.
• 07:43Well, maybe, we don't know yet.
• 07:45I can't feel it. It's just from about there to about there.
• 07:48And it's completely swollen as well.
• 07:50It might be a fracture, but we don't...
• 07:51All right, if you want to go and take a seat in the waiting room,
• 07:54love, we'll get someone to come and see you as soon as we can.
• 07:57OK, thank you. Thank you. Now, take it slowly, Kerry.
• 08:00That's it. There we go.
• 08:02KERRY GASPS IN PAIN
• 08:03Yeah, how soon do you think that will be?
• 08:06What, till she's seen? Well, we'll go as quick as we can,
• 08:09so it will depend how many people are in there and, you know,
• 08:12the urgent cases, they will take priority.
• 08:15Sort of roughly...?
• 08:16As soon as we can, my love, all right? All right, yep.
• 08:20Yeah, nice...
• 08:35Gareth Williams, please?
• 08:38Thank you. >
• 08:40So, um...
• 08:51Why?
• 08:57What's that mean?
• 09:05So, will you get in trouble?
• 09:13But it did happen at football training.
• 09:24So you want me to lie?
• 09:29Mmm...
• 09:35What do you think God will think about that?
• 09:45No, he won't. He won't.
• 09:54Ugh! Fine.
• 09:56But when I lie in future, I don't want a massive lecture on how bad
• 09:59lying is, cos deep down, you're the worst of us all, mate.
• 10:02Fine, fine. Yep? Right, I've got to check on the parking.
• 10:05OK. Sorry.
• 10:07Stay there, it's all right.
• 10:08Just one thing.
• 10:10Just so you know - the clock is ticking
• 10:12and the best bargains are probably being snapped up as we speak.
• 10:16TK Maxx.
• 10:18Kurtan, I'm really sorry, I...
• 10:19..I can't think about that right now.
• 10:21We've got to just concentrate on Kerry.
• 10:23We've got to look after her, we've got to stay with her... I know.
• 10:26I asked you about going to TK Maxx before she got...
• 10:28I've got to do the parking meter, all right?
• 10:30Can we... Can we just have this conversation a bit later?
• 10:33Will you look after Kerry?
• 10:34See if she needs a drink or something.
• 10:36Right? Sorry...
• 10:37I'd quite like a Coke.
• 10:41If that's all right.
• 10:45VICAR: I do enjoy spending time with Kerry and Kurtan,
• 10:48although sometimes they do act a little bit younger than their years,
• 10:52and that can be...challenging.
• 10:58Are you getting a signal in here? What?
• 11:00Are you getting a signal in here? Why, who are you calling?
• 11:02Levi. Why?
• 11:08All right, Levi?
• 11:09You'll never guess where I am.
• 11:11Hospital, yeah.
• 11:13Basically smashed my leg to fuck.
• 11:16No, I'm just waiting for an X-ray,
• 11:18but fuck knows what the doctor's going to be able to do.
• 11:21Yeah.
• 11:22It's going to be like gluing a breadstick back together, because...
• 11:25Like, as if a breadstick's been in a blender and it's all...
• 11:29..the pieces smashed up.
• 11:31Yeah.
• 11:32Yeah, spread the word, won't you, yeah?
• 11:35All right, cheers, mate. See you.
• 11:52All right, Fries? You'll never guess where I am.
• 11:55Hospital, yeah.
• 11:57Yeah, I basically just smashed my leg to fuck.
• 12:00Yeah, well, I'm just waiting for an X-ray,
• 12:03but fuck knows what the doctor's going to be able to do about it.
• 12:06Yeah.
• 12:08It's going to be like gluing back a breadstick after it's been
• 12:10in a blender, innit?
• 12:12Yeah.
• 12:14All right, you spread the word for me, yeah?
• 12:16All right, cheers, mate.
• 12:18Yeah, see you. Bye.
• 12:26The trouble with my lifestyle is, I pick up a lot of injuries.
• 12:29But I use that to my advantage.
• 12:31Like, there's one time I started a fight club in the village hall,
• 12:35and I got a black eye from beating myself up.
• 12:38But it made my enemies think,
• 12:39"Fuck, if she can do that to herself,
• 12:42"what the fuck can she do to me?"
• 12:46It's an absolute nightmare, there's literally no parking spaces.
• 12:49I've been driving round for the last 20 minutes,
• 12:51had to leave it in a disabled parking bay.
• 12:53Um, have you, er, have you been seen yet?
• 12:56No. Have they asked you any questions?
• 12:59Oh, chill out, I'm not going to rat you out
• 13:01for not having any insurance! Sh, sh, sh, sh!
• 13:04Right, right, OK, I'm going to move the car. Back in a sec.
• 13:11His arsehole's like that.
• 13:12Yeah, it is.
• 13:19MOBILE PHONE RINGS
• 13:26All right, Big Job?
• 13:28Yeah, you'll never guess where I am.
• 13:30KURTAN SIGHS
• 13:30Hospital.
• 13:32Oh, you heard?
• 13:34Yeah, I just absolutely smashed my leg to fuck... Oh, fuck off!
• 13:38Well, I don't know, I think I've...
• 13:40..I'm absolutely 1,000% sure I've broken it in two places,
• 13:44but we'll just have to see what the X-ray results come back as.
• 13:48Yeah.
• 13:49Well, I was just saying, it's like...
• 13:51..you know, gluing a breadstick back together
• 13:53after it's been in a blender.
• 13:55All right, well, you spread the word for me, yeah?
• 13:58All right, cheers, mate.
• 14:00Oh, God. What?
• 14:03The vicar. What about him?
• 14:05He has lost his head. Why?
• 14:08You have to see this. He's having a go at a traffic warden. Fuck me!
• 14:13He's having a breakdown. What?
• 14:15I knew this day would come.
• 14:16He has genuinely lost it.
• 14:18He has lost his mind!
• 14:20I'll tell you what that is. What?
• 14:22Horn rage. What's horn rage?
• 14:23If a bloke doesn't get rid of his dirty water on a regular basis,
• 14:26you get horn rage. Me and Kurt used to get it.
• 14:29We used to smash car wing mirrors on the way home
• 14:32after a night on the lash if we hadn't pulled.
• 14:35It's worse for the vicar as well, because he's got massive nuts.
• 14:40The vicar, right, he will have you believe he is all sweetness
• 14:43and light. But in reality, he can really lose his shit.
• 14:46Yeah, like this one time, he drove me and Kurtan
• 14:48to Burford Wildlife Park, and Kurtan just looked in the vicar's ear
• 14:52and went, "Eugh, wax cave." Yeah, it was.
• 14:54And the vicar was so furious, he literally picked up a road atlas
• 14:58and thwacked Kurtan with it.
• 15:01And Kurtan phoned the police.
• 15:04It was assault. Mm.
• 15:22Oh, are you joking me?
• 15:24Don't whack it.
• 15:25Fuck, it's just taken my money.
• 15:27Fuck's sake!
• 15:30I shouldn't even be here.
• 15:32I should be in TK Maxx, getting the bargains that I deserve.
• 15:34Oh, why are you so obsessed with TK Maxx anyway?
• 15:37Cos unlike you, Kerry, I'm not a fashion disaster.
• 15:40I'm not a fashion disaster.
• 15:42You are! Am not.
• 15:43Everyone thinks you are. You know, would it kill you
• 15:46for one World Cup to buy an official England shirt?
• 15:49This IS an official England shirt.
• 15:51No! No.
• 15:53Kerry, how many lions are on the shirt?
• 15:56Four.
• 15:57Yeah, and what's the famous song called,
• 15:59about having lions on your shirt?
• 16:01Three Lions On A Shirt. Thank you.
• 16:05Kerry ain't into fashion, as you can tell.
• 16:08You know, a lot of effort goes into the way I look.
• 16:12She looks an explosion in an unofficial merchandise factory.
• 16:22Right, if you want to wait for a minute...
• 16:24Oh, shit. What? Fuck, it's my ex.
• 16:28Oh, fuck. Did she see me?
• 16:30I don't know. I don't think she did, no.
• 16:33She's going to want to get back with me as well.
• 16:35That is so embarrassing.
• 16:38Fuck.
• 16:39What's she doing? Who's that?
• 16:43That's her... What the f...?
• 16:45That's her boyfriend. No!
• 16:47That is. He just kissed her.
• 16:49He did! I cannot believe that.
• 16:52Can't believe that. What? No, it's...
• 16:55I'm still warm in my grave, and she's sucking off the pallbearer.
• 16:58You didn't want to get back with her anyway, did you?
• 17:00No, I didn't want to get back with her, but that's not the point.
• 17:03The point is she's moved on so fast. It's only been five weeks.
• 17:07You know, it took me ten years to get over Kirsty Taylor,
• 17:09and I only went out with her for half a day.
• 17:12The problem with Kurtan and Kirsty Taylor was it was
• 17:15a case of right person, wrong time.
• 17:18Kurtan was ready to settle down and give her all of his heart,
• 17:22but Kirsty was right in the middle of her SATs,
• 17:24and she had her cycling proficiency coming up.
• 17:27So her head was all over the shop.
• 17:35Oh! I cannot believe that.
• 17:37What?
• 17:40Soph and her new boyfriend became friends on Facebook
• 17:43when I was still going out with her.
• 17:46That is...
• 17:48F...
• 17:49That tells you everything, doesn't it?
• 17:51The guy was trying to worm his way in from then.
• 17:55Shit. What a...
• 17:57What a snake in the grass.
• 17:59That is F...
• 18:02I swear to God, if I see him here again, I swear to God I will have no
• 18:06hesitation in just going up to him, and just planting one on his face.
• 18:09I will, honestly. I will tear his head off. Yeah.
• 18:12Don't even care. Don't care at all.
• 18:14Excuse me.
• 18:16What?
• 18:17Could you keep it down, please?
• 18:19Sorry, do you work here? No.
• 18:22Right, then keep your nose out of my business, yeah?
• 18:24Nosey old cock womble.
• 18:31She's absolutely livid. Kerry Mucklowe.
• 18:33Yes. Hi, Kerry. We're going to take you down for an X-ray now.
• 18:36OK. All right, take your time.
• 18:40OK.
• 18:41I'll give you a hand. Up you come.
• 18:44Of course you can, Kerry. Be quick.
• 18:47Take your time. Mm-hm.
• 18:53Oi, Kurtan. All right, Mand?
• 18:55You being rude to my mum?
• 18:57The problem with living in a village like this is
• 18:59that you're always bumping into the local nut jobs.
• 19:02No-one knows where they stand with Mandy,
• 19:04because she is so unpredictable.
• 19:06You've been rude to my mum. No.
• 19:08Oh, my mum's a liar, then, is she? No.
• 19:10So you HAVE been rude to my mum? Yeah... No.
• 19:14Oh, is this...? Is this about keeping it down?
• 19:16Yeah, she's crying her eyes out out there.
• 19:19So I ain't leaving here until you tell me
• 19:21word by word what you just said to my mum.
• 19:26HE EXHALES SHARPLY
• 19:28I was just chatting. Yeah?
• 19:31Quietly. She said you was chatting loudly.
• 19:34Well, could have been, I suppose.
• 19:36OK, well, which one was it, then? Quietly, or loudly?
• 19:39Loudly. Go on.
• 19:41And then I...
• 19:42I just said, "Oh, sorry, do you work here?"
• 19:47Because I thought maybe she might have been one of the nurses.
• 19:49And what did she say? She...
• 19:52She didn't really say anything, she just walked off.
• 19:54And that was that, really. And it's... Mm-hm.
• 19:59I think you might be missing something.
• 20:02Er...
• 20:04Don't think... No, don't think so.
• 20:05No? That was it, yeah. Yeah? Mm.
• 20:08No, I think you might have said something else.
• 20:11Er...
• 20:13Well, I...
• 20:15I can't really remember what I said now.
• 20:17Oh, so you DID say something else?
• 20:21Yeah.
• 20:25What did you say, Kurtan?
• 20:32And I want it word by word.
• 20:38I called her...
• 20:40Yeah?
• 20:44..a nosey... Yeah?
• 20:48..old... Yeah?
• 20:51..cock... Yeah?
• 20:54..womble.
• 21:04Here, I'm just messing with you!
• 21:07I'm just joking!
• 21:09That's not really my mum!
• 21:12MANDY LAUGHS
• 21:14That wasn't your mum? No, I just heard that
• 21:17nosey old cock womble complaining about you at reception.
• 21:20And I thought it was funny, I thought, "I know what I'll do -
• 21:22"I'll go in there and wind him up, and have a laugh with him!"
• 21:26Oh!
• 21:27Mandy's attitude to me is puzzling.
• 21:30If I walk past her in the street and say, "Hi,"
• 21:32she'll tell me to fuck off.
• 21:34Yet every year, she sends me a really sweet, nice Christmas card.
• 21:39You know, there's just no consistency there.
• 21:41How's Kerry, then? She all right?
• 21:42She's fine, yeah, she just hurt her leg.
• 21:44She's just having an X-ray done. Oh, bless her.
• 21:46Well, listen, you take care and send her my love, yeah?
• 22:02Thank you.
• 22:16Yep, OK...
• 22:17Oh, God. Oh, no. Kerry, Kerry, I'm so, so sorry.
• 22:21The X-ray came back. Oh, no, it's broken.
• 22:25No, it's not broken. She's going to be fine.
• 22:26Not broken? No.
• 22:28It's very badly bruised.
• 22:30And I asked if I could have a cast or if I could have crutches,
• 22:32and they said no.
• 22:34Thank the Lord! It's not broken!
• 22:37It's not broken. Thank you so much, thank you.
• 22:40No problem. What does she need to do?
• 22:42Just a bit of elevation, lots of rest.
• 22:44Yes, you said. Thank you.
• 22:46So she'll be good. Wonderful. Let's get you home.
• 22:48Take care. Bye-bye, Kerry. Thank you. Bye! Bye!
• 22:50Badly bruised. I could have told you that six hours ago.
• 22:53I know. It's good to get it checked, though.
• 22:55Absolute waste of a day!
• 22:58All right? Hi. All right?
• 23:10He's good-looking up close, isn't he?
• 23:13Shut up!
• 23:27What?
• 23:29What?!
• 23:42Yeah, I told you I wasn't lying. It's the sodium in it.
• 23:51Golden Dragon!
• 23:55Worst thing the vicar could ever have done
• 23:57is told me he hadn't got any insurance.
• 24:00I've got him right here.
• 24:03Made him get me that.
• 24:06And tomorrow, he's taking me and Kurtan to Wookey Hole.
• 24:10And he's giving us £5 each to spunk on the fruit machines
• 24:12at the service station on the way down there.
• 24:18Don't show me any weakness, because I will take advantage.
• 24:24It's what I do.
• 24:34DANCE MUSIC PLAYING
• 24:44Got what you wanted, did you?
• 24:46Mm?
• 24:47Now you've made me look like a prat.
• 24:52I think it really suits you.
• 24:54KURTAN SCOFFS
• 24:57The devil doesn't come in a cloak and pointy horns.
• 25:01He wears knitwear and drives a Golf.