This Country S02E04 — The Vicar's Son

Every line from “The Vicar's Son” (489 quotes). Click one to open the meme editor on the exact frame, ready to caption and share.

This Country S02E04 meme — “Florence, that was just...beautiful.”

00:02This programme contains strong language
00:12L-E-N spells Len, not Arthur,
00:15so what's my bloody bin doing in front of your bloody house?
00:18I ain't moved your bin! You moved my bin!
00:20My bin's outside your house.
00:22Basically, grumpy old Len's having a fight with angry Arthur
00:25because they've both accused each other
00:27of stealing the other one's recycling bin.
00:29We swapped them over. We do it every bin day and wind them up.
00:32ARGUING CONTINUES
00:34Who's your money on? Len's a fucking unit.
00:37You don't wash your windows! Ooh!
00:39You don't wash your bloody trousers!
00:41Oh-ho-ho!
00:42Did you hear that? Drop him, Len! What are you doing?
00:46Are you going to take that from him, mate?
00:48He's bang out of order!
00:50Don't you bloody dare, mate. Don't you dare!
00:53Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Len! Len! Don't you dare!
00:57Len! Len! Len! No, put the brick down, you fucking psychopath.
01:01Or what? You want a bricking, as well?
01:03No, I don't...
01:09The vicar text me earlier
01:10saying he wants to see us both in his office,
01:12but he didn't say what about.
01:14When I asked him, he just said "Come to my office now,"
01:17which means we're in the fucking shit
01:18because we're always in fucking shit.
01:20Yeah, but what have we actually done that was bad
01:22in the last three weeks, though?
01:24Don't say Len and Arthur and the bins
01:26because they was going for each other anyway.
01:28We did give the vicar the wrong change
01:31when he gave us 10 quid to go and get printer paper from the shop.
01:34Yeah, but that was basically our commission.
01:37And we did burn Slugs's nipples on the radiator.
01:40Yeah, but that was for science. Yeah. That was for science.
01:47Well, thank you both for coming in today.
01:49I really, really appreciate it.
01:50Look, if you're going to bollock us,
01:52save yourself the waffle, just get to it.
01:54What do you mean? You're going to have a go at us. Yeah.
01:57Well, no, I'm not. No.
02:00I called you in today because I have some news. What?
02:06The tadpoles have spawned in the parish pond
02:09and they are absolutely thriving.
02:17That's great.
02:18That is wonderful news. Yes!
02:21And, you know, all that the de-weeding you did last week
02:25really helped to oxygenate the pond.
02:27So, thank you, Kurtan and Kerry. Well done, mate. Well done.
02:30Um, no. Just a sec. I just have one other thing to discuss with you.
02:33Oh, my... Hear me out. Well, I'm just...
02:37I'm going to be bit busy this week, so I'm going to need you to
02:41do me a favour and take over Tea Talk for me with Florence.
02:44No way. Oh, no.
02:46I'm actually going fishing anyway, so I can't do it,
02:49but the chat that gets spouted out at Tea Talk it's just,
02:5399% of it, unfiltered guff.
02:55That's not true. It is true.
02:57Tea Talk is a scheme I've been running
03:01for the last couple of years.
03:03Some of the older residents
03:05like to talk. A lot.
03:07But because they live alone and can't get about as much,
03:11they have no-one to talk to.
03:12So, once a week, I'll pop in and see them in their homes
03:16and we'll have a good old chinwag
03:18over a cup of tea and a slice of cake.
03:21Seeing as you live across the road from Florence,
03:24would you be able to do it?
03:25No, no, no, no.
03:30I'll give you £5.
03:3220 quid.
03:3510. 15? 10. 15? I shouldn't be paying you at all. 10 is fine.
03:40OK. Excellent. Thank you. Thank you, Kerry. Great.
03:44What makes you so busy anyway?
03:46Yeah? Busy bee. Busy bee.
03:48Well, actually, I'm picking up my son
03:50who's coming to stay for a while.
03:52Son? Mm.
03:54You don't have a son, do you?
03:56Yes, I do. Why?
03:59You have a son? I've always had a son. I talk about him all the time.
04:02Really? You know that. Jacob.
04:04Jacob! He's your son? I thought that was his dog. So did I.
04:08No! He's my son. He's not my dog.
04:13Yes, my son's Jacob's coming to stay,
04:15which I'm really looking forward to.
04:18He's been living in Bristol for the last few years
04:20since he left university.
04:21I've really missed him. A-ha!
04:24I know it's not cool to say this,
04:26but I've been very excited about you coming.
04:29Yeah, well, good. Good to be here.
04:34Yeah.
04:35It's nice to see it again. It's been a while since I've been here.
04:38I don't think you realise what a place is like
04:40until you leave it and you come back, you know.
04:43I don't know, it's a bit weird, isn't it?
04:45It reminds me of the Wicker Man. I don't really know why.
04:48A bit weird. A little bit harsh.
04:50Well, it's just what I think.
04:52You'll put people off.
04:53I like to think there's a
04:56bit more kindness in the village than that. I dunno.
04:59It's all right... We're not burning people.
05:01Well...
05:11I've been dreading this.
05:13It's just been hanging over my head the whole day.
05:15There's a reason no-one wants to talk to these old fuckers.
05:18Because they're fucking boring.
05:22Well, what I'm going to do is I'm going to knock on the door,
05:25leave it five seconds, and if she doesn't come, at least I've tried.
05:29One, two, three, four...
05:32Hello, Kerry. Are you here for the Tea Talk? Yeah. Come on in. Fine.
05:37OK. Can I take your coat?
05:41Huh? Hmm...
05:48Got rods out now.
05:50Lines in. Now it's just a waiting game, really.
05:54Kurtan! All right, vicar?
05:56Fucking hell, what's he wearing them trousers for?
05:59Christ! I can see the crease between his bollocks!
06:03Fucking huge, them bollocks!
06:05All right? Yeah. This is my son Jacob.
06:08Hello, mate. Kurtan. Nice to meet you, son.
06:10Jacob just arrived this morning.
06:12I thought we'd go for a walk and see how you're getting on. Yeah.
06:15Have you caught anything yet? No, not yet. It's a bit quiet today.
06:19Yeah. It's beautiful here, though. I can see why people get into fishing.
06:23Yes. Yeah, yeah. Well...
06:24You guys are welcome to stay if you want to watch. That's lovely of you.
06:28I've got to get back.
06:30But, Jacob, you can stay, if you like. I can pick you up later.
06:34Yeah, yeah. Sure, why not? Yeah. Lovely. Cool. All right, fantastic.
06:37Well, I'll...see you later, then. Yeah.
06:41Cool. Have a lovely time. Yeah, all right. Bye.
06:44Yeah, sit down, mate. Yeah, cool. I've got a spare chair in here.
06:49It's a nice, sort of, set-up you've got here. Yeah.
06:51That's...
06:53You've not been fishing before, then? No. This is new to me.
06:56This is...
06:58I mean, that's mental. So... Yeah, it's a fishing rod. Right. OK. Cool.
07:14So, what do you want to talk about?
07:18We don't have to talk. We can watch TV.
07:21Yeah?
07:22Flog It! will be on, have you seen it?
07:26No.
07:28Oh, it's absolutely brilliant.
07:31Would you like some biscuits with your tea, or...
07:33We've got scones, actually, if you want.
07:36Er...
07:39Both? Would that be all right?
07:41Yes.
07:46DIALOGUE ON TV
08:05So, how long are you planning on staying around for then? Er, dunno.
08:08Might be a while but... Never usually lasts long with me and dad
08:11under the same roof. Yeah? Oh, right. Yeah. I bet.
08:14It's just, he's too nice. He's infuriatingly nice. Yeah.
08:17He has no idea what the real world is like. Yeah. Do know what I mean?
08:21Yeah.
08:27What is the real world actually like?
08:31What do you mean? Just like Bristol and that.
08:33You live in Bristol? Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Bristol's great, mate.
08:37Just, like, fast and... Yeah. ..cars and that?
08:40Just so many mental things happen.
08:42Like, we used to live with this guy called Chief, yeah? Yeah?
08:45He's a nudist.
08:46So, he just walks around with his cock and bollocks out.
08:48You're joking! Yeah, yeah! But the best thing is my dad came to visit.
08:52All the time he's sweating bullets.
08:55He's trying so hard not to acknowledge
08:57he's got his cock and bollocks out, he actually fainted! You're joking!
09:02No. Swear on my life. Fucking hell! Yeah.
09:04Do you fancy a beer? Er, nah.
09:06No, I'm all right, actually.
09:08Sure?
09:12Yeah, yeah. Go on, then. Yeah? Yeah, why not, innit? Nice one.
09:15Might as well. What other stories you got, then? Er...
09:19Well, my dad took me to a Slipknot concert. Yeah?
09:22When I was 13, or something.
09:24And he tried to get into the mosh pit
09:27because he thought that's where the best view would be.
09:30So, when the music started,
09:31everybody started jumping on him... Yeah!
09:34Like, bottles of piss poured over him. You're joking!
09:37St John's Ambulance had to get involved
09:39and, like, gave him gas and air, dragged him out.
09:41Fuck! Mm-hmm.
09:50Well, I better get on with the supper.
09:53It's lovely of you to pop by, Sherry.
09:55What will you have?
09:57Hey? What will you have for your supper?
09:59Oh, just steak and chips, I think.
10:02Oh! I love me steak, I do. Me too.
10:05I absolutely love...
10:07I love steak. Yeah.
10:09It's my favourite, actually.
10:13Hadn't you better get back? You'll miss yours. Miss my what?
10:18Miss your supper.
10:20I don't have any supper.
10:23Does your mum not cook for you?
10:26What will you eat?
10:28Oh...
10:29I suppose I'll see what's left in the bin.
10:32Maybe I'll just eat that.
10:36Would you like to stay for supper, Kerry? Is that all right?
10:39Of course. Do stay for supper.
10:41All right, then, yeah.
10:43Can I give you a hand, Florence?
10:44No! I'm fine.
10:46The Simpsons are on next.
10:49Okily dokily.
10:58Mum!
11:00What's for tea tonight?
11:03For tea tonight?
11:06Yeah, what's for tea tonight?
11:14Yeah, but what will you cook, do you think?
11:25What?
11:27What?
11:31Say that again.
11:35You mean falafel, Sue?
11:42What the fuck is falafel?
11:44It's mushed up chickpeas.
11:46What are chickpeas? Peas that taste like shit, basically.
11:50How was fishing?
11:52Brilliant, but I am hanging out of my ass today. Why, what happened?
11:56Jacob came. Yeah? Yeah! What's he like? He's great.
12:00Really? We got absolutely battered.
12:03Yeah, he loves a party.
12:05And on the way back we just stood over a bridge on a dual carriageway
12:08and we were just pissing on cars. Oh! I want to piss on cars.
12:11Yeah.
12:13Oh! He has some amazing stories about the vicar, as well.
12:16Like what?
12:17The vicar, right, was in a Christian boyband in the '80s.
12:21No way! Yeah. Called The Nice Guys. You are joking me!
12:25No!
12:26The Nice Guys? Yeah! What did he do in the band? Lead singer.
12:30Lead singer? Yeah.
12:34And he had hair, as well, apparently.
12:36He had hair! Yeah! Imagine that.
12:40I just can't imagine the vicar not being bald.
12:49Mmm.
12:50Florence, that was just...beautiful.
12:53Really beautiful. Good.
12:56Glad you liked it. Mmm.
13:00Not going to let you go hungry, you know, Kerry. Ah!
13:04I love Tea Talk.
13:06Florence is just an absolute dream.
13:08It was a bit sad because her cat died recently.
13:11But I think me being here has just cheered her up tenfold.
13:15That was him, look. That's the cat.
13:17His name was Tudor, look.
13:20Feel the weight of that.
13:22Feel the weight of that, honestly.
13:24That's how fucking big he was.
13:27Ate himself into physical decay.
13:30That's how I want to go.
13:33Yeah.
13:34Kerry gets very jealous whenever I talk about Tudor.
13:39So I just try not to mention him at all.
13:43She said...
13:44PICTURE FALLS TO THE FLOOR AND BREAKS
13:48Shh...
13:51UNDER HER BREATH: Oh, for fuck's sake!
14:00That'll do.
14:06Thanks so much for doing Tea Talk, Kerry.
14:08I can take over now, but thanks so much for filling in for me.
14:11Well, I don't mind doing it again.
14:13Well, that's very kind of you, but I know how dull it must be for you...
14:16No, it's not dull, it's fine. She trusts me now.
14:19Well, all I'm saying is that I'm free now and...
14:22Yeah, but she's in a very dark place at the moment
14:25because she's just lost her cat, which is very upsetting.
14:27You know, I'm not quite sure why you're
14:29so insistent on trying to ruin this for me. I'm not...
14:32It feels like that. I'm really not trying to ruin anything for you.
14:36You know, I think it's brilliant that you want to keep Tea Talk
14:40going with Florence, I really do, Kerry. I couldn't be prouder of you.
14:44Sounds like you're really making a difference.
14:46Well, I am, I'm making a massive difference.
14:48She'd lose her shit if it wasn't for me.
14:50Great, good.
14:50KNOCKING
14:52Kerry, ready? Ah, Kurtan, come on in.
14:55Look, I've been meaning to say thanks so much
14:58for spending time with Jacob. He's been raving about it? Yeah?
15:01That's great, yeah, we're going fishing again tonight
15:04and probably go down Keepers, have a few beers and that.
15:06It'll be a laugh. Excellent.
15:08But just to let you know, Jacob's had a bit of a tough time of late.
15:13Well, what do you mean?
15:15Well, he's had some problems you should probably be aware of.
15:18What sort of problems? Well...drink and drugs problems, mainly.
15:24Oh, shit.
15:28Could have told me earlier about that.
15:31Why?
15:35Just would have been nice to have known sooner. No reason as such.
15:39Sorry, yes.
15:43Go on, then. I'll see you later. So you, Kerry. See you.
15:45See you, Kurtan. Bye.
15:49We have had a few problems with Jacob.
15:51Mostly with sort of addiction issues with alcohol and heroin,
15:57which caused him a bit of bother.
15:59He ran up a bit of debt with a chap called Sketchy,
16:04so we had to remortgage the cottage to bail him out.
16:08Well, I feel bad now. You know, I had no idea.
16:11I just thought he liked to party.
16:13But that's just a whole different ball game. I am shocked.
16:18Having said that, he did try and smoke my hemp seed
16:22that I used as ground bait for fishing.
16:24And that should be a clear sign to me at the time... Oh, my God!
16:27What? Look at that.
16:30What's that? I just typed in, "80s Christian boyband,
16:33"The Nice Guys," into Google, and that's just come up.
16:38That's the vicar. Good Guy, by The Nice Guys.
16:42That is so typical of him.
16:54So, er...
16:57..my dad mentioned that he'd told you the real reason I'm here
17:01and the problems I've had and stuff.
17:04I think, yeah. He said something about it, but...
17:08I can't really remember now, to be honest.
17:11Well, thanks for not saying anything about the other night.
17:15You know, I don't want to upset him or anything so... Yeah, sure.
17:19Probably best if we keep it between ourselves. Yes.
17:22It's just like a final blowout, I guess.
17:24Just getting it out of my system. But...
17:29Yeah, I'm just on the water tonight. All right, cool. Just so you know.
17:33No worries, mate. No worries. Sweet.
17:42TV: Before we go, Chris, a question, I'd forgotten.
17:45If Sir Frederick Banbury came second and Silerio came fourth,
17:49who or what came third?
17:52The answer is Florence...
17:52TAPPING
17:57..between Sir Frederick Banbury and...
17:59TAPPING
18:01Thank you, Chris. Join us next time to see if
18:03the next team of Challengers have the brains... Right, I best be off.
18:07Don't you want to watch Springwatch?
18:09Oh, I wish I could but I've got to get back. Shall I see you tomorrow?
18:14Yeah, I'll see you tomorrow. OK.
18:17All right, Florence, ta for that! Right.
19:00Mum?
19:02Where's dinner?
19:07All right, cheers.
19:28TELEVISION BLARES
19:33TV: And you pour a cup of cold water?
19:35It's not a cup of cold water, it's the absolute reality,
19:38and also the jackdaws have got young too.
19:40What about an "ah" for the baby jackdaws?
19:43I just want everything to survive!
19:45Be a weird world if everything survived.
19:47Let's have a look at our buzzard.
19:49Now we know it's a one chick, a single child.
19:53And because of that, it's been doing extremely well,
19:57it's been growing rapidly, it's had plenty of food.
20:00Let's take a look at it when we first met it.
20:06Got a good feeling about this little place here. Yeah, me too.
20:10This could be the one, yeah.
20:11That's what I think.
20:13Right, I mean, it's just great, isn't it? Fishing.
20:17Yeah. Like, just something about it.
20:20Like, the lake and the trees and the birds. Yeah, beautiful.
20:25It's beautiful. Exactly.
20:27Like, you live in a city, yeah,
20:29and you just kind of forget how beautiful just the countryside is!
20:33I mean, it's amazing. Yeah, that's true, that is...
20:36You know what, I'm really glad I've got onto fishing now. Yes.
20:40That's brilliant, isn't it? Yeah, that's great.
20:42This is you, this is all you. You've done this.
20:44I've done it and, you know, we can go all the time. Yeah, yeah.
20:48Whenever you're back and...
20:50I mean, the thing that amazes me is it's just like all of it together.
20:54You know, as an experience. Like, us being here, you know what I mean?
20:58And the environment, and like... And just, like, nature.
21:02Nature's, like, here with us, you know what I mean?
21:05Yeah, it's just nature, nature's your friend.
21:08The lake and the trees and...
21:10And you've just got to embrace it, you know?
21:13Hey, have you taken something? Yeah, mate, yeah.
21:18It's a pill, isn't it? It is a pill, yeah.
21:21And you're definitely not interested in fishing any more? Yeah, exactly.
21:25Feel that. Feel it, feel it, no, feel it. You're not feeling it?
21:29I am feeling it. You're not feeling it? Feel it.
21:35All right. You all right? Yeah. Yeah, I'm good.
21:41Shall we pack up? Yes, please, can we...? Yeah.
21:44Right, I'll meet you at the gate, yeah? No, don't... OK. Oh!
21:48Where is he going? Where is he going?
21:52Can you look after that? Because I'm going to have to...
21:55Oh, for fuck's sake.
22:04Jacob got wrecked again last night. Did he?
22:07Yes, he's an absolute wreck-head. Shit.
22:09Just wandered off on his own.
22:11Came back with some homeless guy, trying to get me to take him
22:14back to my nan's to give him a bath. Oh, sh...!
22:17You know, they ended up having a fight later on,
22:19got kicked out of the fucking fishing club.
22:21He's a total liability. Does the vicar know? No.
22:25He thinks he's on the straight and narrow.
22:28Well, you've got to tell the vicar.
22:31What?
22:41Well...Florence is probably just making it up to get attention.
23:08Is that what you've been doing in the evenings, Ker?
23:14Hmm?
23:17You told me you'd been running in the evenings,
23:20but that's not what you've been doing, is it?
23:42I know Kerry said I should tell the vicar about Jacob,
23:45but I just can't face it.
23:47I think the best thing I can do in this situation
23:50is just stay out of it.
23:53You know, it's far bigger than what I can deal with.
23:56And the vicar's just so far...
23:56CAR HORN BLARES
23:58..in his bloody dream world, he's dancing with a Minotaur.
24:02On a cruise ship, heading straight for...
24:04CAR HORN BLARES
24:04Fuck's that?
24:08Oh, for fuck's sake!
24:10Fuck!
24:10CAR HORN BLARES
24:14Jacob! Sorry, mate, sorry.
24:17Sit down, mate. Let's get a kebab, innit? No, you can't do it.
24:20This is a marketplace. Kebabs!
24:24What you doing? That's a bin, mate.
24:27Fucking hell.
24:29Hello? Hi, vicar. Yeah, it's Kurtan.
24:34Yeah, I... It's Jacob, really.
24:39Yeah.
24:39HE RETCHES
24:41That's right. He's been drinking, yeah.
24:48Oh, God. Jacob. All right.
24:50Hello. Jacob, it's all right. Yeah, I'm good.
24:53We're going to get you home. Yeah...
24:55Yes, it's a difficult situation.
24:58I suppose I was in denial
25:00and I didn't realise I was doing more damage to my son than good.
25:05Don't be harsh on yourself. No. I feel like being harsh on myself.
25:10Sometimes, it... It has to be bad to be good again, you know.
25:16My trousers are falling down.
25:19My trousers are falling down. Right. One second...
25:22Oh, dear. Thank you, Kurtan.
25:26Thank you for being a friend to me, and a friend to Jacob.
25:31It's a pleasure, that's what I do.
25:34And thank you. For whatever it is you do.
25:38Because I still don't really know.
25:42Shall I get the kettle on?
25:44Yeah? Biscuits? Oh, yes, please.
25:47Yeah? Will you excuse us? Thank you.
25:50Come on, then. Let's get you inside, out the rain.
26:03There she is, look.
26:10I just find it weird how you can be so close to someone
26:14and they can be such a big part of your life.
26:17And then the next minute, you're just sort of strangers in the night.
26:21You know. Nothing much changes. I'm just more hungry.
26:31I reckon she's going to be cooking her thrice-cooked chips tonight.
26:34Because they're not cooked once and they're not cooked twice,
26:37they're cooked thrice!
26:40But those days are in the past now, I suppose.
26:54MUSIC PLAYS
26:56# Standing in the rain
26:59# I hand you my jacket
27:02# I guess I'm just a good guy... #
27:04That's not you? It's me. Is that you? Yeah, that's me.
27:09# You're always out of reach
27:12# These words I long to preach
27:15# Love is my word... # That's good!
27:17That's actually not shit. Thank you very much. Yeah!
27:20You can hold a note, mate. I can, yeah.
27:25# I'll be your prof and your line... #
27:27Puff? Who wrote the lyrics?
27:30You did? We all did.
27:32# ..divine intervention!
27:34# Good guy
27:36# Just a good guy... #
27:38I quite like that. # Give me a try
27:42# Fall in love with a good guy... #
27:45What's it about? What's the song about? A good guy.
27:48Who's that? Well, it works on lots of levels.
27:50Are you the good guy?
27:51Well, I am in this and it could mean a lot of other things.
27:55Wait for it - here comes the flute solo, here comes the flute solo.
28:00FLUTE PLAYS
28:12# Bad boys are all the fashion Crimes of hate crimes of passion
28:15# Love is pure it can't be wrong Where have all the good guys gone?
28:19# Girl dry your eyes
28:21# Leave the bad guys They'll hurt you with their lies
28:23# So find yourself A good good guy
28:26# Good guy! I'm just a good guy... #