dumpgang · episodes

This Country S02E05 — Steam Fair

Every line from “Steam Fair” (457 quotes). Click one to open the meme editor on the exact frame, ready to caption and share.

• 00:02This programme contains strong language.
• 00:29Do you lot not get bored of this?
• 00:31Like, I appreciate you've got a job to do,
• 00:33but does it not get a bit boring, just following us two about?
• 00:39Who is this even aimed at?
• 00:42Because no-one we know watches it.
• 00:58No birthday posts yet.
• 01:01Well, it is only half five in the morning,
• 01:03but I would have expected at least a couple of nighthawkers by now.
• 01:08Nighthawkers are basically people who stay up late on Facebook
• 01:12and they post just after midnight on your wall.
• 01:15They get a fuck-off buzz out of it, apparently.
• 01:19Fuck knows why.
• 01:21Oh, yes, Grumps.
• 01:23"Get it together this year, Ker, love, Grumps."
• 01:26Aw. That's my Grumps, that is.
• 01:31He looks like a laugh here,
• 01:33but in real life, he's a nasty old bastard.
• 01:46Yep? All right? Do you reckon you could sign a card for me?
• 01:49Yeah, who's it for? For Kerry. It's her birthday.
• 01:52Oh, I don't know.
• 01:53I'm snowed under here, Kurtan.
• 01:55But it would literally take two seconds.
• 01:57Just sign it "Dad", I'll do the rest. No, can't do that.
• 01:59Why? I don't want the emotional implications.
• 02:03Well, just sign it "Martin", then.
• 02:06I can't, ain't got a pen.
• 02:07I've got a pen here, look.
• 02:09MARTIN SIGHS
• 02:11Oh, give it here. It's really inconvenient though, Kurtan.
• 02:21You just signed it "M". Yeah, M for Martin.
• 02:31Unbelievable.
• 02:42Oh, here he comes. Here comes postman!
• 02:45Pretending to walk past my house.
• 02:48Julian! Julian!
• 02:51You walking past my house, are you?
• 02:53Oh, no post, is it?
• 02:55He always does this.
• 02:57He tries to wind me up, because he pretends he ain't got
• 02:59any post for me when he actually has, and he'll just come back.
• 03:02He's getting in his car.
• 03:03Oh, you're getting in your car, are you? Driving away?
• 03:05He knows it's my birthday as well. It's such a laugh.
• 03:10Look at him, he goes to so much effort to try and prank me.
• 03:12ENGINE STARTS
• 03:12Oh, driving away, is it?!
• 03:15No post for Kerry, no?
• 03:17He's driving away!
• 03:19Such a laugh.
• 03:22He... He's...
• 03:24going away.
• 03:27Yeah. He's not coming back.
• 03:29That's a shame.
• 03:30WOMAN SHOUTS FROM UPSTAIRS:
• 03:32What?!
• 03:34What?!
• 03:47Yes, I'll do it later, then!
• 03:50Yeah, but it's my birthday today!
• 03:59# Happy birthday to me. #
• 04:02Well, about five years ago,
• 04:04I sold my birthday to my mum for about 200 quid.
• 04:07Which means my mum's legally entitled now to never
• 04:10celebrate my birthday ever again for the rest of my life.
• 04:14Not even, like, a happy birthday cup of tea, or a Moonpig card, nothing.
• 04:19Which is the worst decision I ever made in my entire life.
• 04:23Because I got addicted to this mobile phone game
• 04:25where you basically build a funfair,
• 04:28and it was, like, a choice between waiting 12 hours for my
• 04:32dodgems to get erected or spending a fiver on time machine tokens.
• 04:36So, to cut a long story short,
• 04:38I basically pissed 200 quid up the wall.
• 04:40In the space of a few hours, on virtual nothingness.
• 04:45The thing is about Kerry's birthday is,
• 04:47I have to make such a huge effort, because no-one else does.
• 04:49Like, even when it's my birthday,
• 04:51I still have to go and get Kerry a present, because otherwise
• 04:54she'll just get jealous and sulk, and it just ruins the day.
• 04:57Oh!
• 04:58Hang on, watch this, I love doing this. This is brilliant.
• 05:02Honestly.
• 05:15You all right?
• 05:18You getting on? What?
• 05:20You getting on?
• 05:22Erm... Nah.
• 05:29Did you see that?
• 05:31That was, that was brilliant.
• 05:33That was just classic...
• 05:35It's so simple, but so much laughter comes from...
• 05:38Brilliant.
• 05:40He deserves that anyway, because he's been sexting my nan, so.
• 05:45The good thing about this year is the vintage steam fair falls on my
• 05:48birthday, which is basically my two favourite days of the year combined.
• 05:54The steam fair is a really fun, family event.
• 05:58And it means a lot to Kerry,
• 05:59she's a huge fan of all things practical and mechanical.
• 06:04There's going to be working traction engines, tractors,
• 06:07road rollers, plenty of vintage steamers...
• 06:11And I warn you now, when we get there,
• 06:12you will not be able to get a word out of me sideways,
• 06:15cos I will have died, and I will have gone straight to heaven.
• 06:18# Happy birthday to you... #
• 06:21Here he is!
• 06:22# You were born in a loo... # I wasn't born in a loo. She was.
• 06:25I was born in a bathroom, thanks. Yeah, on the loo!
• 06:28Yeah, only because my mum didn't know she was pregnant with me.
• 06:33She's a bit chipper today, in't she?
• 06:34Yeah, because she knows it's my birthday
• 06:36and she don't have to celebrate it.
• 06:38That for me?
• 06:39Is it?!
• 06:40Guessed right. There you go.
• 06:42Oh, cheers, Kurts!
• 06:44No problemo.
• 06:45I open it? Absolutely.
• 06:51Screwfix catalogue?!
• 06:54Yep.
• 06:56Oh, my God, that's the new one as well.
• 06:58How'd you get your hands on that?
• 07:00Don't worry about me, Ker, friends in the right places.
• 07:03It's Gibbo, innit, that works at Screwfix?
• 07:05Yeah.
• 07:07Oh, this is absolutely mint.
• 07:09Look at these aluminium combination ladders!
• 07:12Yeah. Oh, and I'm got another surprise for you as well. Yeah?
• 07:16Yeah. But it ain't here, we have to go on a little trip to see it.
• 07:19A trip? When? Now.
• 07:21Yeah, but I don't really want to miss the steam fair.
• 07:24No, we won't miss steam fair.
• 07:25Yeah? You've got ages. I'm got it all planned.
• 07:29It in't a SodaStream, is it?
• 07:31No, why?
• 07:33I just really like SodaStreams, always wanted one. Really?
• 07:37Yeah, Slugs had one, and he carbonated a cup of tea with it.
• 07:41Didn't taste very nice, but he was pushing boundaries with it.
• 07:45Yeah, got a little surprise for Ker.
• 07:47It's about a 40-minute walk outside the village, though, but I feel
• 07:50it's going to be worth it to see the look on her sweet, little face.
• 07:53She's going to love it. Will we be coming home before we go steam fair?
• 07:56Nah, we'll just get a bus straight there after your surprise.
• 07:58All right.
• 08:00Oh, I'm knackered.
• 08:02We only just started walking, Ker.
• 08:04What's this surprise?
• 08:05Because I need to know whether it's going to be worth this walk.
• 08:08It will be worth it, trust me.
• 08:12Oh!
• 08:14What? I know what it is. What?
• 08:17Don't worry, I'll act surprised.
• 08:20For what? You know what.
• 08:23Kerry, you don't think we're organising a surprise party for you?
• 08:26I knew it. No, no, because we're actually not.
• 08:29You mustn't get your hopes up, because it's not a surprise party.
• 08:32That's what my dad told you to say, isn't it?
• 08:34No, Ker, don't wind me up,
• 08:35because it's not a surprise party, you need to understand that, yeah?
• 08:39Listen to me, no fucking party.
• 08:42Fine, no party.
• 08:44Right.
• 08:46Come on.
• 08:47I'm got a packet of Rolos in my pocket as well. Have you?
• 08:50I'll give you one every 50 yards, how about that?
• 08:53That's a nice little incentive, isn't it? Yeah, all right.
• 08:56That's it, you're a good girl. Yeah.
• 09:05We'd better be careful, Kurtan. Why?
• 09:08All that, over there, is Fox Twins territory.
• 09:11No, because they only ever stay in those woods
• 09:14and we're going round, so not a chance of bumping into them, really.
• 09:19Oh, right.
• 09:20Everyone in the village knows about the Fox Twins.
• 09:23Basically, over the years, there's been sightings in the woods of
• 09:27these two feral-like men, who walk on their knuckles, on all fours.
• 09:32And witnesses say they communicate to each other
• 09:35in their own language, which sounds like fox calls.
• 09:38Whenever livestock goes missing in the farms around the village,
• 09:42they're usually blamed.
• 09:44And no-one knows how they got here, either.
• 09:47Yes, it's a fun story to hear down the pub
• 09:49in front of a roaring fire of an evening,
• 09:51and it's funny how this kind of shared folklore
• 09:54can bring people together in a strange sort of way.
• 09:58But do I believe in it?
• 10:01Absolutely not.
• 10:02I've seen them.
• 10:03I've seen with me own eyes, me and Tyson.
• 10:05We was out in the woods early one morning,
• 10:08and we seen them hunched over,
• 10:09eating what look like some sort of an animal carcass.
• 10:12Couldn't believe it. It was terrifying.
• 10:15And then, at exactly the same spot, at exactly the same time,
• 10:18a week later, I saw an alien.
• 10:21My theory is that some dirty bastard's shagged a fox,
• 10:25and that fox ended up giving birth
• 10:28to some sort of fucked-up man/fox twins.
• 10:30There's actually only one dirty bastard
• 10:32I know around here that would shag a fox, and that's Len.
• 10:36I've never done it with a fox.
• 10:59Morning.
• 11:01What the fuck? What?
• 11:04Stuck-up git.
• 11:05So rude. What, that guy?
• 11:07Yeah, he just ignored me.
• 11:09Who doesn't say morning?
• 11:11When someone says morning, who doesn't say it back?
• 11:14That's just weird, that's rude. Oh, just let it go. It doesn't matter.
• 11:20Aw, look how sweet them sheep are.
• 11:24Hello!
• 11:25Uh-oh. Oh, shit. Oh, shit.
• 11:28Ah!
• 11:30Don't... Don't ever turn your back on them.
• 11:34Don't turn your back on sheep.
• 11:36Carry on, quick, quick, quick. Go, go, go.
• 11:38I've got your back, I've got your back.
• 11:51This is it, we're almost there.
• 11:55Right, close your eyes.
• 11:57Three, two, one...
• 12:00Open!
• 12:06There, up there! Look!
• 12:08Oh, yeah.
• 12:11How good is that?!
• 12:15It's great.
• 12:16It's really great. Happy birthday, Ker.
• 12:19Thanks, Kurts.
• 12:21Right, now on to steam fair!
• 12:23Happy birthday, Kerry Mucklowe.
• 12:26Look at that.
• 12:28I always see them banners above the motorway,
• 12:30and I always thought, "Who the fuck does them?"
• 12:33Well, now I know.
• 12:35People like me.
• 12:36Kurtan.
• 12:42Did you know you can't get stung by a stinging nettle
• 12:44if you grab the leaf top and bottom, like that?
• 12:48It's only when you touch it on the sides, it stings.
• 12:52Ah, actually, that stung, then.
• 13:03Oh, hurry up.
• 13:10I wouldn't touch that if I were you.
• 13:12Why? Pez dispenser, they're cursed.
• 13:15They are, I'm not even joking.
• 13:17Honestly, when I had one of them,
• 13:18I had the worst bout of bad luck I ever had in my life.
• 13:20Why, what happened?
• 13:22My dog died, I got ringworm, credit crunch.
• 13:26It's absolutely plain evil.
• 13:28Don't you just think that's coincidence, though?
• 13:31Do I think that's coincidence, though? Yeah.
• 13:33Right, explain this to me -
• 13:35why is it, I swapped it a week later with Robin Pope for a rubber,
• 13:38and the very same day, he fell off a ferry?
• 13:45Yeah, but, Pez or no Pez, Robin Pope would have fallen off that ferry.
• 13:49Bus is here. He was a fucking clown.
• 13:51Hello!
• 13:53You got change? Yeah.
• 14:09Can you open the door?
• 14:12Oh, fuck...
• 14:14What the fuck?
• 14:16What the fuck?!
• 14:18What... What was that about?
• 14:20Yeah...
• 14:21I think...
• 14:24What the fuck?!
• 14:26He's been sexting my nan, though. Oh, for fuck's sake...
• 14:29That's the problem.
• 14:30How are we going to get to steam fair, Kurtan?
• 14:33Because the next bus ain't for, like, two hours? Shit.
• 14:36Hi, Vicar, it's Kurtan.
• 14:39Yeah, good, just a little favour -
• 14:42do you reckon you could pick us up, please?
• 14:44What's he saying? What's he saying?
• 14:47What wedding?
• 14:48Ugh...
• 14:49But can't you nip out 15 minutes then...?
• 14:53Then go back...?
• 14:55But you're the vicar, surely you can do what you want.
• 14:58And it's your church, they've all got to wait for you anyway.
• 15:01Oh, fine, fine. Do you know what? Just do one, Vicar.
• 15:03Is he picking us up? No.
• 15:05We're going to miss it, ain't we? No, no, calm down.
• 15:07We're going to miss it. No, we're not going to miss it.
• 15:10Right, just calm down. We'll be fine, Ker...
• 15:12What Kerry won't tell you about steam fair is that she used
• 15:16to go a lot when she was a kid, before her dad walked out.
• 15:19So I think, every time she sees heavy haulage vehicles,
• 15:23it reminds her of being part of a family.
• 15:25It doesn't matter, because we can walk it. It'll take an hour.
• 15:28An hour?! Yeah. I can't do an hour, unfortunately, I can't.
• 15:31Because I want to see Jim Tucker driving into steam fair, that's it.
• 15:34And she loves looking in skips as well, because her dad
• 15:37used to take her scrap metalling when she was a toddler.
• 15:40He'd literally just chuck her in,
• 15:41have her looking for copper and that.
• 15:45She actually got tetanus one time.
• 15:48But Martin didn't give a flying fuck.
• 15:50As long as he got his copper, he was happy.
• 15:53How about we walk through the woods, then? Yeah?
• 15:55Because that'll be half the time. That'd be half the time? Yeah.
• 15:59You promise me that will be half the time? Yeah.
• 16:02That works for me. It might be a nice...
• 16:04If you're telling me the truth, that works for me.
• 16:07I swear down, it's a short cut.
• 16:08It might be a pleasant walk, we might enjoy it.
• 16:17We'll be late now.
• 16:18We'll have missed the combine demonstration, for sure.
• 16:21Which is a shame.
• 16:23Because Jim Tucker drives the combines,
• 16:25and he's the best combine driver this side of Hereford.
• 16:29I had my picture taken with him last year, and he put his cap on me.
• 16:33He said I reminded him of himself when he was in his late 40s.
• 16:38Actually, I think we've got to go back up there.
• 16:42Just came from back from back up there.
• 16:45Yeah, just...
• 16:47You're lost, in't you?
• 16:50Well, not... I don't know... Oh, for fuck's sake, Kurtan.
• 16:54Can't you check Maps on your phone, or something?
• 16:56No, because I ain't got any signal, have I?
• 16:58Have you?
• 17:01Have you got any signal?
• 17:03Oh, fucking hell!
• 17:14Oh, my God, what is that?
• 17:17What is that? What?
• 17:19There, look.
• 17:21There.
• 17:23Don't know.
• 17:25Is that, like, a tent or something?
• 17:29WHISPERS: Shout. Shout hello.
• 17:31WHISPERS: Hello?
• 17:32SHOUTS: Hello?
• 17:56Oh, my Jesus Christ! What? What is it?
• 17:58Oh, my God. What?
• 18:00Christ alive. What?!
• 18:02It's just a great big dump in the middle of the tent.
• 18:09That's... That's just a badger's shit in there.
• 18:12A badger? Yeah. Oh, OK.
• 18:15So a badger just walking along, sees a tent, goes,
• 18:18"Might as well have a shit in it."
• 18:19Does his business, comes back out, zips it with this great big thumbs.
• 18:23Yeah, badger, Ker.
• 18:26I know who's fucking done that. Who?
• 18:29Fox Twins.
• 18:32Oh...
• 18:33I'm not scared of Fox Twins.
• 18:35I'd just like to sit them down and ask them plainly,
• 18:38"Look, guys, what is going on?
• 18:39"Because this has just gotten completely out of hand now.
• 18:42"You know, stop walking on your knuckles, stand up straight,
• 18:45"be the best version of you that you can be.
• 18:48"Get a job, even.
• 18:49"There's trolley boy, works at Tesco's, you know,
• 18:51"may as well have been raised by wolves.
• 18:53"If he can get a job, you guys can walk it."
• 18:57Honestly, this guy's forehead is so large,
• 19:00you could project a film onto it.
• 19:03And that's not me being harsh,
• 19:05he'd probably say that about himself.
• 19:08In't that right, Kurtan? Hmm?
• 19:11Nicholas. Trolley boy? Yeah.
• 19:13Huge fucking head.
• 19:16Yes, there has been talk of strange goings-on in the woods,
• 19:21ghost sightings and the like.
• 19:24But they're never from particularly reliable sources.
• 19:27Oh, yeah, I believe in ghosts all right. There's one in there.
• 19:30I live with a ghost, there's a ghost in that house.
• 19:33He's like a Civil War Cavalier,
• 19:36with all the hair and the hat and all that.
• 19:39And every time I walk into the living room, he doffs his cap.
• 19:43And on his shoulder, he's got this crow that barks at me.
• 19:49It means I spend less time in the house, really.
• 19:52Not because of him, because he's quite peaceable.
• 19:56But the crow is malevolent.
• 19:59And I'm not having that,
• 20:01I can't share my house with a malevolent bird.
• 20:12No way, I ain't walking through there. Why?
• 20:16Why?
• 20:17Look at it!
• 20:19What's wrong with it? It will literally be a 20-second sprint.
• 20:23That's haunted as fuck.
• 20:26Am I going mad here, or does that, to you,
• 20:28look like that's where just ghosts will hang out all the time?
• 20:32Well, it's either walk through there or walk up that, up to you.
• 20:37Ugh, let's just walk down there.
• 20:50Oh, my God, it's him from earlier.
• 20:52Hat man! Arsehole.
• 20:54Ask him for directions. No, no way! Please, Kurtan.
• 20:57No, I ain't going cap in hand to no-one, especially him.
• 21:00I'll ask him. Excuse me?
• 21:02Excuse me?! See, rude.
• 21:05Well, let's just follow him, because he might be going steam fair.
• 21:08Look at him, Little Red Riding Twat.
• 21:12All right, I'll go first, I'll go first. Quick! Yes, all right!
• 21:14He's getting away.
• 21:23Half-hour until the Ferguson Parade.
• 21:26It's basically a shitload of Fergusons,
• 21:28like, parading around the fair and that.
• 21:30Erm, wait.
• 21:32It's always led by this, like, little steam engine,
• 21:35this little Labrador in it that has a hat.
• 21:37It's the most beautiful fucking thing you'll ever see.
• 21:41What? Run after him! Shall I? Yes!
• 21:48Excuse me?!
• 21:51Hang on, wait!
• 21:52Just want to...
• 21:54Just want to follow...!
• 21:56Oh, for fuck's...
• 21:59Where's he fucking gone?
• 22:02Where's he gone?!
• 22:04I don't know.
• 22:07Oh, fucking hell. What?
• 22:09Oh, for fuck's sake.
• 22:11I don't believe it.
• 22:13We've done a massive circle for the last three hours.
• 22:17We've missed the steam fair, in't we?
• 22:22Yeah, well...
• 22:24I think so.
• 22:26Sorry, Ker.
• 22:32Look, well, we're basically by a bus stop now, so...
• 22:36I'll just get the vicar to pick us up.
• 22:38Yeah? Yeah.
• 22:42Come on, then.
• 22:43Let's just get out of here.
• 22:48What are you doing? Hmm?
• 22:51What? What are you doing?
• 22:52Going toilet.
• 22:54You can't shit in there!
• 22:55Someone's already done a massive dump in it,
• 22:57what's another one going to make a difference?
• 22:59Oh, for fuck's sake.
• 23:14Vicar's here.
• 23:17If he's got an attitude with me, I swear to God, I'll just
• 23:20grab the steering wheel and drive us all into a wall.
• 23:24Happy birthday, Kerry!
• 23:28How was it?
• 23:30Kerry did a dump in a tent.
• 23:32Sorry?
• 23:33I did a dump in a tent.
• 23:38That's all you need to know.
• 23:51Yeah, it wasn't a great birthday.
• 23:53Probably one of the worst I ever had, to be honest.
• 23:55And I got eight Facebook posts this year.
• 23:58That's four down from last year.
• 24:01I stayed up till midnight refreshing my page, and for why?
• 24:04I just ended up getting cramp in my finger. I can't even bend it, look.
• 24:12I just feel pretty shit about Kerry's birthday yesterday.
• 24:16She didn't say anything,
• 24:17but I know it's basically my fault we missed the steam fair and that.
• 24:20Yeah, just thought I'd better make it up to her.
• 24:23Get her something she really wants.
• 24:25DOORBELL
• 24:29Yes, I'll get it.
• 24:43Someone left this, look.
• 24:57SodaStream!
• 25:05"Happy Birthday." There's a laugh.
• 25:08"Dear Kerry, happy birthday, have a great day,
• 25:11"lots of love...
• 25:14"..Martin."
• 25:19That's my da.
• 25:24I knew my da wouldn't forget my birthday.
• 25:30This is one of the best birthdays I've ever had, to be fair.
• 25:35To think Kurtan almost ruined it as well.