This Country S03E01 — A Letter from Slugs

Every line from “A Letter from Slugs” (503 quotes). Click one to open the meme editor on the exact frame, ready to caption and share.

This Country S03E01 meme — “Griff? Yeah? Pop the boot open, will you?”

00:02This programme contains some strong language.
00:22Er, yes, well,
00:24since you were last here, we had some very sad news.
00:29About a month ago...
00:29SIGHS
00:31...Michael Slugette - Slugs...
00:34...unfortunately passed away
00:37after a long battle with his health.
00:41KERRY: Yeah, it was really sad.
00:43Like, there was so many times that you'd think,
00:45"This has gotta be it now, surely?" Mm.
00:49And then he'd get a second wind. Yeah.
00:52And then a third wind and a fourth wind.
00:55I actually lost count of how many winds he had by the end,
00:58but I think he was on something like his 26th wind.
01:00Yeah.
01:03And we saw him not long before he passed away, didn't we? Yeah.
01:07The last words he ever said to us was,
01:10"Do you guys fancy doing a zombie escape room
01:13"in Swindon on Saturday?"
01:15But unfortunately, he passed away on the Friday, didn't he? Yeah.
01:22Which was sort of a relief, in a way. Yeah.
01:25Bless him.
01:28It's weird, because I didn't think that I'd miss him,
01:31but I actually really miss him.
01:38CAR HORN BEEPS
01:38Kerry! Griff's here!
01:41Yeah. Yeah.
01:45Right, here's your packed lunch.
01:46Cheers.
01:48REV FRANCIS: Yes, it has been a sad time for everyone,
01:50but in Kerry's case,
01:51I'm absolutely delighted she's started this new job.
01:55It's given her a real sense of purpose
01:57at a very difficult time.
01:59One, two, three, and commence.
02:02CRASHING
02:04Turn on the crusher.
02:06Yeah, due to some unforeseen financial issues,
02:10work was sort of forced upon me,
02:12and I ended up getting a job at the recycling centre.
02:16Basically, she got herself massively in debt,
02:18and I had to bail her out. Ended up having to use
02:21money that Nan lent me to invest in Bitcoins...
02:25...and if she finds out I lent it to Kerry,
02:27she'll go absolutely spare.
02:30So, yeah, I'll be needing that money back as soon as possible.
02:34Yeah, I saw a gap in the market for pillow-stuffing,
02:38so I basically went out
02:40and bought an alpaca off Gumtree for £500.
02:44Of all the mistakes I've made in my life,
02:47that was possibly the largest.
02:49Definitely the physically largest.
02:52Yeah, I really don't wanna talk about that,
02:55rake all that back up, if that's OK with you?
02:59Yeah.
03:03Welcome to the recycling centre.
03:06You've got your metals,
03:08your cardboard, your green waste,
03:10your household batteries,
03:11light bulbs, fluorescent tubes.
03:14Over here, welcome to my world of textiles.
03:17We've got curtains, clothing, shoes, bed linen.
03:20There you've got Simple John there. All right?
03:22We've got Trigger over here.
03:25He's always on green waste. Ain't you, Trigs?
03:28We call him a white man's Dennis Rodman. Take a look at his face.
03:32Trigger?
03:33Into the camera.
03:36White Dennis Rodman, or what?
03:37That's uncanny, that.
03:46Kerry's never kept a job longer than three days,
03:49so I've just been helping out at hers,
03:51making sure she's got no excuses, so I can get that money back asap.
03:56So yeah, I've just been cooking her meals at home,
03:59making sure the house is straight,
04:01that sort of thing... because let's be honest,
04:04HMS Lard Arse up there ain't gonna be doing it.
04:07Shit, that reminds me.
04:09Sue?
04:11Do you need turning over?
04:18All right. Give me a sec.
04:21All right, back in a minute.
04:33DOOR OPENS
04:35Oh, here she comes, the weary worker.
04:38Just in time. You hungry?
04:41Starving. Excellent. How was work?
04:44Eh, just work. Yeah.
04:48That's it. When's food?
04:50Oh, just coming. I'll get you a plate.
04:52YAWNS
04:52What are we having?
04:54Er, sausage, mash and peas.
04:57Lovely jubbly.
04:59I was lucky with them sausages, Ker.
05:01£1.50, down from £2.50.
05:03Got there just in time as the woman was reducing them, Ker.
05:07Oh, yeah?
05:08TV ON
05:10One sausage, two sausage, three sausage, four sausage
05:13and a good dollop-ful of mash.
05:18Don't forget the peas.
05:20Lovely, these peas, 25p a tin.
05:2225p a tin, Ker...
05:25Kurtan, can we have less narration of the food
05:28and more bringing out the food?
05:30Absolutely. Understood, understood.
05:33Here we go. Dinner's served.
05:36You wanna eat it on your lap? Yeah.
05:38Just put another cushion there. Come on.
05:40There you go, knife and fork there.
05:42Cheers. Let me know if you need anything else.
05:46Oh, see that bag down there?
05:48Yeah?
05:49There's something for you in it. For me?
05:54A foot spa? Yeah, I picked it up from the dump.
05:57Are-Are you sure?
05:58Well, it was either give it to you or give it to the charity shop.
06:02That is so... That's amazing. That's weird you got me one of these
06:05because I was literally talking to Carol about...about foot spas
06:08the other day, because she said
06:09she used one and it sorted her feet right out.
06:11She had proper hard, hard heels, that was the problem...
06:14Kurtan! Mm? I'm trying to watch the telly here.
06:17WHISPERS: Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
06:19That is...
06:21That's in good nick, that one, as well.
06:24Happy with that.
06:29Can't get on the bloody thing, look.
06:31LAUGHTER
06:31Leave it.
06:35The dump is actually a much better workplace
06:38than I thought it would be.
06:40Like, I just love the hubbub of it.
06:41I love the drama of what goes where.
06:44I even love the sound of the wasps buzzing around the bottle bank.
06:46And, you know, it's a great bunch of lads as well.
06:50You've got Kimbo, Trigger.
06:51Even the boss Paul's a laugh, you know?
06:54But my best mate, by far, is Griff.
06:56Hey, Griff, do me a demonstration.
06:58Get a piece of that tinsel and stretch it out for me, will you?
07:01A one-metre-long piece of...
07:03Don't be silly with it.
07:05Stretch it out, come on. You're better than that.
07:07When I first met Griff, I wasn't totally sure about him,
07:12I mean, he's not a man of many words.
07:14But as I got to know him,
07:16yeah, I've found a great mate in Griff.
07:19You couldn't take that to white goods, could you, Griff? Yeah.
07:23Lovely work.
07:25He's great at picking the stuff up, chucking it in a container.
07:28I'm great at telling him to pick the stuff up
07:31and chuck it in the container.
07:35And maybe in the olden times,
07:36we would've been in some sort of travelling freak show,
07:39um, him being the side show,
07:41me being the bloke in the top hat getting the money,
07:43making sure he's watered, fed, but he... I'd take down the curtain,
07:46and he does his job for a few hours, gets the punters in,
07:49but it works.
07:51It really works.
07:56Making a little special dinner for tonight, for Kerry.
08:00I got steak, chips, and a mushroom and peppercorn sauce.
08:05It's actually a recipe she chose, I didn't pick it.
08:08I just came down and she'd left the Hairy Bikers' cookbook
08:12with a steak and mushroom and peppercorn sauce recipe,
08:16so I think it was sort of a hint for me to cook it for her.
08:21But...yeah.
08:21KNOCK AT DOOR
08:23Oh...
08:28Oh, hi, Kayleigh.
08:30Hiya. Sorry to bother you. No, no, no, no.
08:33No bother at all. Your nan said you'd be here.
08:35Right.
08:36Do you wanna come in?
08:37No.
08:42So how you been?
08:43Yeah. Yeah, not too bad.
08:46Up and down, really. Yeah. Yeah, I imagine.
08:49It's weird, because I thought about you the other day, yeah,
08:53because I saw a little harvest mouse on the front of a magazine.
08:58Sort of reminded me of you a little bit.
09:07Sure you don't wanna come in?
09:09Yeah. I just came to give you that.
09:12What's this?
09:13It's a letter from Michael.
09:15What, Slugs?
09:17He left it to you in his will.
09:23Do you know what it's about?
09:25No.
09:26He didn't mention anything?
09:28No.
09:29Oh, all right.
09:32I'd better go now.
09:33Oh, OK. Um, well, you know where I am if...
09:37..any time you just wanna...
09:39SIGHS
09:42Still grieving, I think.
09:44Not her usual self. That's scary.
09:55Oh, my God!
09:56Oh, my days.
09:59Look at that!
10:00All the lads!
10:02That's Slugs.
10:04Look how young he is. That's me there.
10:06That's Kirk, that's Kerry.
10:10That is Darren Lacey just behind Kerry there.
10:12You can see his nose.
10:14That? Don't know who that is. That's a random, I think.
10:17I think he just photo-bombed the picture.
10:19Laugh. It's the sort of thing I'd do.
10:22That's brilliant, that.
10:30"Hey, Kurtan.
10:32"If you're reading this letter,
10:34"it probably means I'm six feet deep,
10:36"not with a chick this time, LOL, just in the parish cemetery."
10:42"So, you and Kerry were always my best mates,
10:45"but this might have been more to do with radius
10:48"rather than common values, interests, etc.
10:52"Just saying, LOL.
10:54"But anyway, the real reason for writing this letter
10:57"is to basically clear my consci...conscience
11:00"in case I get ID'd at the Pearly Gates..."
11:05"...because, basically, Kurtan, I did a pretty shitty thing to you,
11:08"and it's haunted me ever since."
11:14"Do you remember Newquay 2007, and bed-gate?"
11:19"I'd be surprised if you ever forgot it, to be fair.
11:22"Well, just so you know, it wasn't you, it was actually...
11:26"..me and Kerry."
11:31Newquay 2007 was our first holiday after school,
11:36just the five of us.
11:39It was meant to be the best week of my life,
11:42but turned out to be the worst, you know?
11:45And I always blamed myself for what happened,
11:48but now I just don't know what to believe.
11:59NOTES PLAY
11:59This still works.
12:02I'll have that.
12:06Yeah, it's mad the stuff that people throw out, you know?
12:09Good-quality unused stuff,
12:11and I know that it's meant to go to the, um, charity shed,
12:15but nobody gives a fuck.
12:17What's that bowl in there?
12:19Yeah, I'll have that.
12:22I mean, I picked up the other day
12:23a lovely humorous golf clock for the vicar.
12:26Every time it gets to four o'clock,
12:28it goes, "Fore!", and he loved that.
12:32And it was free, you know?
12:35Why go Christmas shopping when the dump is my John Lewis?
12:41Griff? Yeah? Pop the boot open, will you?
12:50Oh, there we go, there we go.
13:05INDISTINCT CONVERSATION
13:10KURTAN SIGHS
13:17..bookshelves I never thought would break down.
13:21Oh, Griff's here, if you could plate him up some grub.
13:24Yeah, so come in.
13:26Cheers.
13:27Take a seat.
13:31Yeah, Simple John was winding me up today.
13:36All right, guys? Yeah. All right?
13:38Yeah. Hello. Both hungry, are you?
13:40Yeah. Oh, starving.
13:41Starving. Perfect. Perfect.
13:43Because you're not eating tonight, unfortunately.
13:46What? No, I put your dinner in the bin.
13:48Why? What? Mm? Why?
13:50Oh, it's just because I don't cook for
13:52two-faced nasty little liars.
13:55What are you talking about?
13:57This is what I'm talking about.
14:01What's this?
14:03A letter from Slugs.
14:03SNIFFS
14:12Go on, then, tell me what happened.
14:15SIGHS
14:17He... Well, we all know how big a fantasist Slugs was...
14:24..and he's probably whacked off his nut on all that morphine
14:27he was on near the end when he writ this.
14:31Just tell me the truth, Kerry.
14:34SIGHS
14:36UNDER HER BREATH: Fuck's sake.
14:41We were bored.
14:44That's all it was.
14:46We were alone in the caravan because, if you remember,
14:51you, Darren Lacey and Kirk were in the games room
14:55chatting up those girls from Liverpool? Remember that?
15:01So Slugs had this wacky idea
15:04that maybe we create
15:08a sort of Takeshi's Castle in the living area,
15:14like an assault course, if you like. Yeah, just get on with it.
15:20Um, and it sort of spilled out to the bedrooms and... Mm?
15:24..your bedroom was part of the assault course
15:28where you had to jump up and down.
15:31Oh, was it? Up and down on the bed,
15:33so that the top of your head touches the top of the caravan roof.
15:38And we're jumping up and down, jumping up and down,
15:41and then snap...
15:44I looked down and the leg of the bed had snapped in two,
15:48and we panicked,
15:50so we just kind of balanced the bed back on it
15:54and then hoped that maybe later
15:57you'd get in the bed... Yeah. ..and then it would collapse
16:00and you'd go, "Oh, I've broken my own bed."
16:02Yeah. Well, you...you were right, weren't you?
16:05Because that's exactly what happened.
16:07Yeah. Yeah?
16:09And as soon as I leant on it and it broke,
16:11guess who came piling in?
16:13"Hey, everyone, come look what Kurtan's done to his bed!"
16:17I'm not proud of that, but I had to...
16:21I had to throw the scent off.
16:24I had to cut my holiday short,
16:25because I had no money left after that.
16:28And those girls from Liverpool, they fancied me.
16:31They didn't fancy Darren Lacey or Kirk.
16:34Still got with them, though. Yeah!
16:36After I put in all the groundwork, teasing them about their accent
16:39and pushing them in the pool.
16:41They should've got with me,
16:43but instead, I had to spend the rest of that summer, right,
16:46working in a sausage factory with no air conditioning...
16:51..paying for a broken bed that I didn't even break.
16:58Well, what's done is done, innit, Griff?
17:01Yeah. Can't hang on to the past.
17:06You're a disgrace.
17:07You're an absolute disgrace.
17:18Sorry if you felt a bit awkward there. Yeah.
17:24Well, this is why it's so difficult to be mates with Kurtan,
17:27because he never lets anything go,
17:28and I think that's why I enjoy spending time with Griff,
17:31because he's very low-maintenance, emotionally.
17:35He's a simple beast.
17:37And, you know, Kurtan still has a grudge against Tesco
17:40for the whole horsemeat thing. Who can even remember that?
17:44Like, they apologised - get over it.
17:48I shouldn't even be surprised.
17:50As long as the world's been turning, Kerry's been a back-stabbing user
17:54that will chew you up and spit you out.
17:56Her only loyalty is to herself, Staffies,
17:59and the TV channel Dave...
18:02..which in my opinion is a TV channel
18:04made by knuckle-draggers for knuckle-draggers.
18:14She's been sitting on that since...all this time.
18:17Oh, dear.
18:19And I am... Honestly, I don't even...
18:21I don't even know what I'm gonna do yet, but whatever it is,
18:25it's gonna be the worst thing I've ever done to her.
18:28No, Kurtan, please. I understand how you're feeling.
18:31SIGHS
18:31That anger,
18:34we've all felt it from time to time,
18:36but you mustn't act on it.
18:37Think about...
18:37SIGHS
18:39OK, I'm going to say this -
18:41think about Jesus.
18:41GROANS
18:43Think about the Christian teachings of forgiveness.
18:46I just... What would Jesus do in this situation?
18:49He would turn the other cheek.
18:51I tell you, if Jesus was in my position,
18:53he'd be wreaking havoc back at Kerry, I am telling you. OK.
18:58Look, in the Hindu religion,
19:00there is this concept of karma -
19:04the universe will right itself,
19:07you do not need to do anything.
19:09Well, what do you mean? Bad behaviour will have its comeback
19:13somewhere along the line,
19:15but you need... Do you think?
19:17Yes, I do. Well, how long will that be?
19:19No-one knows.
19:21Just give it some time.
19:24You have to rise above this, Kurtan. You're bigger than this.
19:27Yeah, I am. I am bigger than this. You have so much more
19:29going on in your life. Yeah, I do.
19:32You don't need to worry about
19:33something that happened 12 years ago, Kurtan.
19:35No, that's true.
19:37That's true.
19:39OK, so try and focus on some positive things, because...
19:42Yeah. ..this kind of revenge and anger
19:44ultimately will get you nowhere. No.
20:04THUD
20:17Oh, fuck this.
20:26I know I said I wouldn't stoop down to her level,
20:28but I can't be sitting around
20:30waiting for karma to do its business.
20:31I need results instantly, you know?
20:34I can't move on till I've seeked revenge, unfortunately.
20:36Um, yes, I was just wondering
20:38if I could talk to her supervisor, please.
20:41'I'm not proud of it, believe me.'
20:44But at the end of the day,
20:46I'm a very vindictive person, you know?
20:49It is what makes me me.
20:52INDISTINCT CHATTER
20:55MAN: Kerry? Kerry?
20:56KERRY: 12 stitches he had.
20:58All right? Oh, yeah, yeah.
21:00Can I just borrow you a sec? Yeah, yeah, sure.
21:02Hey, did you see Kimbo's thumb?
21:04Yeah. Yeah, I did see it.
21:0512 stitches he had in there.
21:0712? Proper smashed it, like.
21:12Come on in, take a seat.
21:14Yeah.
21:15Cheers.
21:17KERRY YAWNS
21:19Well, I'm afraid that there's been a really serious allegation made.
21:24Right.
21:26I received an anonymous phone call earlier today
21:29suggesting that you've been taking items from the charity shed
21:32and then taking them home.
21:34Something about a foot spa?
21:38Is there any truth in that? No. No truth in that.
21:41I'd never take anything from the charity shed.
21:44I actually swear on my mum's life that I would never do that,
21:47I would never take from a place of work, ever.
21:50Well, we're gonna have to conduct an investigation, Kerry.
21:54Right, yeah, cos, um...
21:59Now, this may or may not be relevant, er...
22:04..but you might wanna check the boot of Griff's car.
22:10Why is that?
22:13Well, I just...
22:14I'm...
22:15The other day, right,
22:17I overheard him, er, boasting about getting stuff from the charity shed
22:21and, er, putting it in the boot of his car,
22:24and it's only just now that you've said that, it's triggered...
22:27putting the dots together, sort of thing.
22:29Um, but, yeah, you...you should check the boot of his car.
22:36You actually overheard him say that?
22:38I overheard him say that, yeah.
22:40Well, I'm actually relieved, in a way,
22:42because it means that he can, um, get all the help he needs,
22:45because he's in a bad way, I think.
22:48He needs help. Definitely.
22:49I think he's a proper klepto.
22:53OK.
22:57Yes, I did want that money back,
22:59but some things are more important than money, you know?
23:02People need to pay the price for the bad things they've done
23:04or they'll just keep doing them.
23:06Bring back the old justice system, that's what I say,
23:09and it will sort out a lot of other problems wrong with this country,
23:13like some of our leading supermarkets
23:14putting horsemeat in their pies.
23:18If that was in France, that would be fine, but we're not in France.
23:21We're in the UK, OK?
23:37No... No work for me today.
23:40Paul Walthers rang to say that he's concluded his investigation
23:45and his conclusion is,
23:47he's sacking me,
23:49which is a shame...
23:51..and he's sacking Griff too, which is also a shame.
23:56Yeah, I can't help but feel a tiny bit responsible for that.
24:02But you know, Griff just texted me now saying,
24:04"Do you wanna meet at the pub for a pint?"
24:06But what would we talk about?
24:08You know? The only thing we had in common, really, was stealing,
24:11and that was more my thing that I got him onto.
24:17But it just goes to show, you know, some friendships last
24:21and some friendships don't,
24:23but that's just the way it is.
24:32DOOR OPENS
24:34All right? All right?
24:35Yeah. This is for you.
24:37What's this? The money I owe you.
24:40From my last wage packet.
24:42This is too much.
24:44Yeah, it's for... to pay sort of, like,
24:47for the bed in Newquay as well.
24:49Oh, right.
24:51All right. Cheers. That's all right.
24:56You know it was me that got you sacked, don't you?
24:59Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well...
25:02Sorry.
25:04What's done is done.
25:09You know that decomposing fox?
25:11Yeah. Its face has finally caved in,
25:14if you wanted to check it out.
25:18Yeah, all right.
25:20Just give me a sec and I'll get a jacket.
25:30Ready? Quick, quick, quick, quick, quick.
25:34Ohhh!
25:37That's madness.
25:39'The thing I learnt about friendship is,'
25:41you gotta accept each other's flaws,
25:44no matter how toxic they may be.
25:48Oh, come on, Lard! No, do it properly this time, please.
25:52I tell you who'd be laughing at all this.
25:54Who?
25:56Slugs.
25:57Yeah.
26:00He proper pulled our pants down, to be fair, didn't he?
26:03Shit-stirring from beyond the grave.
26:06That's annoying, actually, thinking about it.
26:10Mm.
26:11Just goes to show that people don't change...
26:16..even in death.
26:24Very funny.