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This Country S03E05 — The Station

Every line from “The Station” (453 quotes). Click one to open the meme editor on the exact frame, ready to caption and share.

• 00:02This programme contains strong language
• 00:15One, two, three...
• 00:16Five eggs!
• 00:18You lot are absolutely bang on form today.
• 00:22Utterly excelled yourselves.
• 00:25Do you know what?
• 00:26I actually put all my money on Edna doing the lion's share.
• 00:32Her arse is like a fucking egg cannon.
• 00:37HENS CLUCK
• 00:45Yeah, so I've been looking after the parish chickens.
• 00:48Basically, the vicar's been away visiting his son, Jacob, in Bristol,
• 00:52so me and Kurtan have been holding the fort.
• 00:55It's been really great.
• 00:57PHONE: I AM worried because I don't like keys to go missing,
• 01:00because, when they go missing,
• 01:01it just means you can't get into the room,
• 01:03and I need to get into the room, next week,
• 01:05because there's a domino drive on.
• 01:07And if I can't get into the room, it's going to be a massive,
• 01:10massive, massive problem.
• 01:11When the vicar went away,
• 01:13he left me as point of contact in the village, in case of emergencies.
• 01:16My phone's just become a hotline for wazzocks.
• 01:20Monday, June's freezer defrosted.
• 01:22Fuck me, she was so hysterical,
• 01:23you'd have thought it was like a scene from Deep Impact.
• 01:26Tuesday, Arthur had four pints of Wild Rosie
• 01:28at the ploughing match and was so pissed,
• 01:30he was trying to open his front door with a pound coin.
• 01:35Oh, Thursday, the village hall got double booked.
• 01:37and the Scrabble Club were absolute, unforgiving arseholes
• 01:41about the whole thing.
• 01:42By Friday, I was genuinely this close to just getting
• 01:45everyone in the village minibus
• 01:47and driving the wrong way down the dual carriageway.
• 01:50Just take everyone down with me.
• 02:00Ready? Yeah. I've just got to grab my eggs.
• 02:03So, we're going to the train station to surprise the vicar,
• 02:06because I want to tell him how well
• 02:08I've been looking after the chickens.
• 02:09I just want him to come back as soon as possible.
• 02:12So everything can go back to normal.
• 02:15Yeah, and tell him about the chickens.
• 02:21I can't wait to give the vicar these freshly lain eggs.
• 02:25He's going to love it.
• 02:26I can't wait to give the vicar a piece of my mind.
• 02:29If he goes away again, he'll have to take all them loonies with him.
• 02:32Cos I ain't going through a week like that again. No chance.
• 02:35Well, I absolutely loved this week.
• 02:36The vicar can ask me to help any time.
• 02:39Yeah, because all you had to do was collect chicken eggs, Kerry!
• 02:42Those are the sort of jobs given to people who have brain injuries.
• 02:45Kurtan, it's a lot harder than just collecting chicken eggs.
• 02:49Like, you try filling up the feeder with seed
• 02:51when your flock hasn't eaten for six hours.
• 02:55What time train is the vicar actually on?
• 02:57He said lunchtime train.
• 03:01Ah! Vicar's car!
• 03:03Huh?
• 03:05"Jesus Is My Airbag."
• 03:08I'm surprised someone ain't put a brick through that window!
• 03:11Uh-oh! Travel pillow!
• 03:14He won't have left that behind on purpose.
• 03:16That's silly because I knew he wouldn't be able to
• 03:17sleep on the train without it.
• 03:19His head will be completely free-ranging!
• 03:23I can't wait to see the vicar.
• 03:27He's probably going to ask me to look after the chickens full-time.
• 03:31Oh, can you just stop talking about chickens?
• 03:35The reason Kurtan hates me talking about the chickens
• 03:38is because it reminds him of when he got bullied at school,
• 03:41because everyone used to call him Chicken Boy,
• 03:43cos he looked so much like a chicken.
• 03:45And this one time, in art class,
• 03:47Darren Lacey drew a picture of the evolution of Kurtan,
• 03:50which was basically like an egg
• 03:53and then it was a chicken,
• 03:54and then a Kurtan.
• 03:58It was actually quite clever.
• 04:16God, I don't think we've been on this platform since...
• 04:20..Grumps took us on that holiday to Weymouth. Yep.
• 04:22I was just thinking that.
• 04:24How old were we? Like, 11?
• 04:27Yeah. What a week that was!
• 04:29That was great.
• 04:33Yeah, I don't really have fond memories
• 04:35of that holiday, to be fair. Why?
• 04:38You know why.
• 04:41The pantomime?
• 04:42Yeah.
• 04:47Can I tell them?
• 04:51Yeah, so, we went to the Weymouth Pavilion,
• 04:54to go and see the summer pantomime,
• 04:55and Toadfish from Neighbours was playing Wishy-Washy,
• 04:59and it was Kurtan's birthday, so he pulled Kurtan up on stage,
• 05:03and then it was the interval
• 05:05and the curtains came down and what did he say to you?
• 05:09He said I was the worst kid he ever called up on stage.
• 05:13He was, like, "You gave me nothing out there.
• 05:15"I had them in the palm of my hand
• 05:16"with that never-ending handkerchief gag
• 05:18"and you totally killed the room.
• 05:20"It was like bouncing off a black hole."
• 05:24He chucked me my goodie bag and said,
• 05:26"Get out there and smile, you nasty, little pom."
• 05:30Does that surprise you?
• 05:32Because, personally...
• 05:35..he charmed me in Celebrity Big Brother.
• 05:38He really did.
• 05:40Yeah, because it's a performance.
• 05:43Yeah? When he knows someone's watching, he never switches off...
• 05:46..but when the curtain comes down and the wig comes off...
• 05:50..he's a monster!
• 06:05Is that a train coming in? Is it?
• 06:09Yeah! Train's coming!
• 06:12Thank the Lord!
• 06:20Here he comes. Here he comes.
• 06:26Can you see him?
• 06:33Where is he? He's not here.
• 06:35Oh, for fuck's sake!
• 06:39He must be getting the next one.
• 06:41Yeah, and that ain't coming in for another 45 minutes.
• 06:44So annoying!
• 06:45It's really annoying.
• 06:47Do you know what? That's so typical of him.
• 06:49That sort of airy-fairy attitude.
• 06:52I wouldn't be surprised if he's just wandered onto the Hogwarts's Express
• 06:55because his head's so in the fucking clouds.
• 06:57Yeah, I wouldn't be surprised.
• 06:59That man is about as street-smart as Will Ferrell in Elf.
• 07:06The vicar is not street-smart.
• 07:09Like, this one time, he got into a conversation at Swindon bus station,
• 07:13with a prostitute, about the weather, and a pimp ended up
• 07:16charging him £500 for the pleasure of her company.
• 07:20Yeah, and as he was walking the vicar to the cashpoint,
• 07:22the vicar tried to snap his bank card in his pocket,
• 07:25but the pimp noticed and slapped him round the back of the head,
• 07:28Took his money and then nicked his Fitbit for good measure.
• 07:33Lost a whole month's worth of step data that was on it.
• 07:36Don't EVER pull tricks on a pimp.
• 07:51HE EXHALES
• 07:56MOBILE RINGS
• 07:57Who's that?
• 07:59Oh, fuck's sake. It's Peggy. Who's Peggy?
• 08:02Fucking Faffmeister General from Camera Club.
• 08:06Hello, Peggy?
• 08:09Kurtan?
• 08:11Yes. Speaking.
• 08:13Kurtan, it's Peggy from the Camera Club.
• 08:15Yes. Hi, Peggy. I said that.
• 08:18INDISTINCT PONDEROUS CHAT
• 08:22Yeah.
• 08:25OK. Code... Hmm.
• 08:27PEGGY CONTINUES TALKING
• 08:29Yes. Code f...
• 08:32OK.
• 08:34OK. Yeah. Code for the door...
• 08:36..is 2146, OK?
• 08:422146.
• 08:47OK. Yep. Get a pen.
• 08:49HE SIGHS
• 08:53Hello? Hello?
• 08:56Yes, Peggy. Have you got a pen?
• 08:59Yes, I'm still here.
• 09:02Right? 2146.
• 09:07RAISES VOICE: 2, 1... Yeah?
• 09:09..4, 6!
• 09:14HE SIGHS
• 09:16Two turtle doves!
• 09:18Right, one on its own is the number, one.
• 09:21Four, as in G4.
• 09:24Six, as in the number six, spelt S-I-X.
• 09:31No!
• 09:32The G... The G was just a reference point to what the number...
• 09:372146.
• 09:392146.
• 09:43No G! No! Because it's just numbers on the door code.
• 09:48It's... Listen! Shh!
• 09:502, 1...4, 6!
• 09:552... 2, 1... Oh!
• 10:00Sorry, I just...
• 10:00HE SIGHS
• 10:02I shouldn't actually having to be dealing with this!
• 10:05The vicar should be back.
• 10:09BRAKES SQUEAL
• 10:26What the fuck? What?
• 10:29HE SCOFFS
• 10:30It's the Tudor Roses Society.
• 10:32What the hell's that?
• 10:34It's just a group of people that dress like Tudor times,
• 10:37and meet up in random, old places,
• 10:39and say stuff like "Good morrow" to each other,
• 10:42and "How many groats for your finest pig?" and that sort of shit.
• 10:44Why on earth would anyone want to do that?
• 10:47You know how some people, like, feel
• 10:49they've been born in the wrong body, and that?
• 10:52Yeah? Well, they feel like they've been born in the wrong century,
• 10:54and, apparently, it's actually really un-PC to talk to them
• 10:57about anything modern.
• 10:59How do you know that?
• 11:01Slugs told me.
• 11:02He was in the Tudor Roses. Really? Yeah.
• 11:05I saw him in the village once,
• 11:07walking with his ruff round his neck.
• 11:09What's a ruff?
• 11:11You know, one of them things Shakespeare wears?
• 11:14No.
• 11:17And that little, spoilt, little pug in Pocahontas wears one.
• 11:21Oh, yeah.
• 11:24I always thought that Slugs wore that for a health thing.
• 11:29What?
• 11:30I thought it was like some sort of air filter.
• 11:37That's...
• 11:38That's absolutely insane!
• 11:43It's Tudor fashion.
• 11:47Yeah, I was surprised that Slugs was into Tudor re-enactment.
• 11:53But, to be honest, I think there was a large sexual element to it,
• 11:57because Slugs told me about his role-plays that Kayleigh would
• 12:01make him do,
• 12:03where she played this character called Filthy Rose,
• 12:05who was a blind prostitute,
• 12:07and gets bought at market by Slugs' character, Lord Denimere.
• 12:13And, apparently, Slugs used to do Kayleigh, doggy-style,
• 12:15to the song Greensleeves.
• 12:34This will really cheer you up. What?
• 12:37Mum had a massive barney, yesterday, with Steve from the dairy farm.
• 12:40What about?
• 12:42Over, like, six quid of unpaid milk.
• 12:46Pathetic. Pathetic.
• 12:48But, she thinks, right, she's paid it,
• 12:51And he thinks she hasn't paid it. Yeah.
• 12:53And there's been, like, some massive mix-up in the way,
• 12:55but she's like, on the phone, going, "I paid you it."
• 12:59And he's, like, "You haven't paid me it."
• 13:01It was hilarious, mate.
• 13:03That's brilliant.
• 13:10Shall I ring her now? Pretend I'm Steve?
• 13:13She'll go absolutely psycho.
• 13:17Yeah, ring her, yeah.
• 13:22Can you do Steve's voice?
• 13:24Yeah, I'll try.
• 13:27PHONE RINGS ON LOUDSPEAKER
• 13:29RASPY VOICE:
• 13:31DEEPER VOICE: 'Ello. Is Sue there, please?
• 13:36Is that Sue, is it?
• 13:39Can you hear me, Sue?
• 13:43Can you speak up a bit, please, Sue?
• 13:45SUE SHOUTS:
• 13:49You know that milk we delivered last week?
• 13:53Well, can you nip round with the money today?
• 13:55SCREAMING:
• 14:01Oh, she hung up!
• 14:02I told you! What did I say? I told you she'd go mental.
• 14:06That is brilliant. Ring her again?
• 14:09Yeah, ring her again, yeah.
• 14:11PHONE RINGS ON LOUDSPEAKER
• 14:15'Ello? Is that Sue?
• 14:19Guess who this is.
• 14:23Yeah.
• 14:26That's right, yeah.
• 14:28Now, you know what I'm going to ask you, don't you?
• 14:37Brilliant. Superb.
• 14:40That couldn't have gone better. Bravo. Well done.
• 14:43That was brilliant.
• 14:45Oh...
• 14:47SHE SIGHS
• 14:49It's sad, actually, about Steve,
• 14:51cos his dairy farm's really struggling at the moment.
• 14:54Yeah. That six quid probably means quite a lot to him. Yeah.
• 14:59Getting undercut by all them supermarkets, and that.
• 15:04Tried to top himself, didn't he?
• 15:06He did, yeah.
• 15:08In his barn.
• 15:10Hung a noose on the rafters of the barn.
• 15:14His wife found him.
• 15:41PHONE BUZZES
• 15:42Oh, fucking hell.
• 15:43Who's that?
• 15:45This fucking phone! It's the bane of my life.
• 15:49HE SIGHS
• 15:51Hello?
• 15:56Yeah?
• 15:58Oh, right. Oh, G... OK.
• 16:00HE SIGHS
• 16:02Right.
• 16:04Er, no. That wasn't me. No, it's got nothing to do with me.
• 16:07No, chickens is... What's happened?
• 16:09That's Kerry's thing. I'll pass you over, then.
• 16:11OK. Cheers, Mrs Wicks.
• 16:14They want to talk to you. Hello?
• 16:16How's me cluck-a-lucks?
• 16:21What?
• 16:27But I...
• 16:30I shut... I'm sure I shut the door!
• 16:38SHE SIGHS
• 16:42What about Edna?
• 16:46SHE MOANS
• 16:47OK, well...
• 16:50..thanks for calling.
• 16:53Yeah.
• 16:58What was that about?
• 17:04Somebody left the door open on the chicken coop.
• 17:10Fox got in.
• 17:14They're all gone.
• 17:18What? They escaped?
• 17:21They're gone gone.
• 17:24TRAIN ANNOUNCEMENT IN BACKGROUND
• 17:27Oh, dear.
• 17:28Oh, dear.
• 17:32The vicar won't be happy, I don't think.
• 17:34The parish chickens. He's had them a while, as well.
• 17:39He loved them.
• 17:45You can't trust Kerry with anything. She'll either break it or sell it,
• 17:48or just let it be killed.
• 17:51I remember, at school, Kerry baby-sat my Tamagotchi.
• 17:54By the time I got it back, the screen was so full of turds,
• 17:56it was just awash with pixelated shite.
• 18:00Another innocent life snuffed out by that oaf.
• 18:05HE SIGHS
• 18:08Vicar better be on this train.
• 18:10No, he won't. This is the Hereford train.
• 18:13Won't be on it.
• 18:15Unfortunately.
• 18:19Hey, what do you fancy for dinner tonight?
• 18:22Don't think I'll eat anything.
• 18:24I quite fancy some chicken Kievs.
• 18:27What a fucking dickish thing to say!
• 18:29Why would you fucking say that?
• 18:30Do you know anywhere I can get some chicken meat from?
• 18:35Some freshly slaughtered chickens? Oh, you should know.
• 18:40What do you mean?
• 18:42You know what everyone calls you? It's Chicken Boy!
• 18:45Why?
• 18:46Because you look like a chicken with your great big nose,
• 18:49and your...fucking spindly, little chicken wings.
• 18:51That's... Getting personal.
• 18:53Yeah. Thanks for that. I will get personal!
• 18:55You're just bitter because you killed your chickens!
• 18:57Let them get slaughtered by a fox! What...? Ow!
• 19:00How fucking dare you say that? What you doing?
• 19:03Yeah! You wouldn't, anyway. Yeah, I would. You wouldn't.
• 19:07You wouldn't!
• 19:08Go on. Try me! Give me the shoe back.
• 19:11Give me the shoe back!
• 19:12TRAIN DOORS BEEP
• 19:17DOORS HISS CLOSED
• 19:25Come on! Come on! No, no, no, no, no, no, no-ohhhhh!
• 19:31Why would you do that?
• 19:36Fuck's sake!
• 19:40Fuck!
• 20:05My chickens have just been slaughtered by a fox...
• 20:12..and to help me with my grief,
• 20:16you've taken my right...
• 20:19..shoe from the pair of my only shoes...
• 20:23..and thrown it on a train heading to Paddington.
• 20:30Yeah. May I ask why you did that?
• 20:36Dunno. Just annoyed, I think.
• 20:47TRAIN CREAKS
• 20:57DOORS BEEP
• 20:58There he is! Look!
• 21:00Vicar! Vicar!
• 21:02He's got his fucking headphones in.
• 21:05Shall I scare him?
• 21:24GAH!
• 21:27KERRY CACKLES
• 21:29Kerry! Kurtan!
• 21:32What on earth are you doing? What are YOU doing?
• 21:36It's not funny. Ha! I got the shock of my life!
• 21:39KERRY AND VICAR LAUGH BREATHLESSLY
• 21:41Why did you do that?
• 21:43Why did...? Did you get that?
• 21:45That could not have gone better for me.
• 21:49It's a crazy thing to do, Kurtan.
• 21:51I'm sorry, it was just a surprise!
• 21:53I thought it'd be funny.
• 21:59You are a silly-billy.
• 22:00You were so scared. I wasn't scared!
• 22:03You gave me the shock of my life. Are you all right? Yeah, I'm fine.
• 22:06Just a graze.
• 22:07My goodness. Sorry. I was in a world of my own there.
• 22:09I'll carry this to the car for you. What are you both doing here?
• 22:13To surprise you. To surprise you.
• 22:15Oh, that's lovely. Thank you, Kerry.
• 22:17Instead, you shunt me into that.
• 22:19I didn't mean to. You fell on the ground! You gave me a shock.
• 22:24Oh, oh! That was an absolutely brilliant Punk'd,
• 22:28but the Punker got Punk'd as well.
• 22:31Oh, dear.
• 22:35You all right with that?
• 22:38Kerry, what happened to your other shoe?
• 22:40Kurtan threw it on a train to Paddington.
• 22:44Why would you do that, Kurtan?
• 22:46You don't know the half of the story, Vicar.
• 22:51Such a strange thing to do.
• 22:57Did you miss us, Vicar?
• 22:58Yes. I did miss you. Really?
• 23:00Heh, yes! Of course!
• 23:02Did you cry cos you missed us so much?
• 23:04No, I didn't cry.
• 23:06But...
• 23:09Well...
• 23:10I did get a bit teary
• 23:12when you sent me that picture of you both with the chickens.
• 23:15HE CHUCKLES
• 23:21Right.
• 23:23Shotgun front!
• 23:34Vicar, would you say that the parish chickens
• 23:37are more like livestock to you than pets...
• 23:40...would you say? Why are you asking that, Kerry?
• 23:42Just curious to know.
• 23:44Small talk.
• 23:53Go on, then. That's it.
• 23:56Put your weight into it.
• 23:57Yeah!
• 23:59Big Slugger.
• 24:01Now Vicar's back, I feel like a weight's been lifted.
• 24:04You know, it was great for him to have that little trip away,
• 24:07see Jacob and that, but, you know, it's good that he's home now.
• 24:11You can tell he's relieved to be away from Bristol.
• 24:13I mean, who wouldn't be?
• 24:15What an utter stink hole!
• 24:19Well, it's always lovely coming back to the village. I'm...
• 24:22..so deeply fond of it.
• 24:24Um. I just have to tell you that I do have some news.
• 24:31Um... I've...
• 24:33..perhaps not been entirely honest with you...
• 24:37..but I had my reasons. Um...
• 24:39My trip was only partly to see Jacob.
• 24:43The main reason was I had a meeting with the Archbishop to...
• 24:49Well, to confirm my transfer to a new parish...
• 24:53..in Bristol.
• 24:57So, uh, yeah. Big news. Um...
• 25:01It's something that's been brewing for a while, but, um...
• 25:04I just, for, obviously, reasons...
• 25:06I had to, sort of, keep a little bit quiet about it,
• 25:09but now it's been confirmed, I wanted to just share that with you.
• 25:20Ow!
• 25:22Ah!
• 25:24Have you told Kerry and Kurtan yet?
• 25:27Uh, no. I haven't told Kerry and Kurtan yet
• 25:31and, uh...
• 25:33..I will do, but, um,
• 25:35if I'm honest, I'm not entirely sure I want to add to their burdens
• 25:40with the week they've just had.
• 25:42Um...
• 25:44But I will be telling them the situation very soon.
• 25:49As soon as I find the right moment.
• 25:52Go downhill on here.
• 25:54KERRY YELLS
• 25:59Agh! Welcome to Jackass!
• 26:02I'm Johnny Knoxville... And I'm Steve-O.
• 26:05Boom!
• 26:11BIRDSONG